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To be amazed at how little you all seem to put up with in a relationship?!

(178 Posts)
Jazzicatz Fri 22-Jul-11 16:21:56

Everytime I come on here and read through this section, most of you very quickly jump in and say 'dump him'. Do you really dump someone for apparant trivialities or just saying it but would never do it yourself?

sleepindogz Fri 22-Jul-11 16:25:48

i know sad

to be honest no one seems to see relationships as worth working at these days.

i cant believe that someone will say Dump Him, Leave Him, Divorce Him after reading an OP of three lines LOL

ameliagrey Fri 22-Jul-11 16:25:55

maybe some links or references to "trivialities" would be helpful?

Fairenuff Fri 22-Jul-11 16:32:23

If he/she is not treating you right then, yes, absolutely dump them. There are some wonderful relationships out there. Not perfect, but with good commuication, compromise, trust, love and support. We do work on these relationships, every day, by mutual respect.

If my DH is disrespectful to me I tell him! And he tells me if I'm out of order. We don't scream and shout at each other, we talk. We don't control each other, we share. There any many, many relationships like this which I why, when people post on here about how they're being treated, we say, get out - you are worth so much more than that.

HTH smile

PlentyOfPubgardens Fri 22-Jul-11 16:32:28

Reading this section, I'm frequently amazed how much some people put up with in a relationship.

Jazzicatz Fri 22-Jul-11 16:36:13

I have been on MN for years and have posted about my situation in the past and had some wonderful advice. However, recently I have noticed just how little some people are prepared to put up with. I do think though that due to having both abusive parents and more recently an abusive partner my parameters are rather skewed!

allhailtheaubergine Fri 22-Jul-11 16:37:48

I had to stop asking for advice about a particular issue that dh and I were having because all anyone would tell me was to leave him.

Leave him? And wreck a happy family? Make 5 people live with that forever? Rather than find a compromise? Madness.

And when I posted listing dh's good points (of which he has several billion) it just made people sad that I was kidding myself and making excuses for him confused.

Proudnscary Fri 22-Jul-11 16:38:26

I have come to understand it when posters say 'dump him' after immediately recognising 'red flags' (obvious abusive tendencies). In those situations a poster can rightly say 'leave him, it will get worse' because there seems to be a script for these guys. And sadly many posters on here know exactly what they are talking about.

So the OP's complaint might be seen as 'trivialities' by those who do not know or understand abuse.

What I can't bear is when women are urged to dump their partners for matters trivial and not so trivial that can be worked through including not pulling their weight round the house - I mean what about the 'for better or for worse'.

I have a lovely marriage and a fab dh but I am fully aware if I posted on here about some things that have happned during our marriage - eg he used to smoke cannabis every day, he can be a stubborn arse, he has never got up with the kids in the morning, that many if not most on here would say leave him.

And that would be so, so wrong and totally misunderstanding our very strong relationship.

Moreover I strongly disagree with splitting up when you have children unless you are desperately unhappy or in an abusive situation.

AnyF Fri 22-Jul-11 16:41:19

It appals me what some women are prepared to put up with, for the sake of being in a relationship, tbh

Not so much the married, entangled, kids-coming-out-your-ears scenarios which must be horrendously difficult to extricate yourself from

but the young, child-free, clever women (or single parents who are otherwise independent) who come on here that get treated like rubbish by horrible, inadequate men

and still they fight tooth and nail to not let go... confused

Proudnscary Fri 22-Jul-11 16:42:33

Exactly Aubergine - exactly. Bloody well said.

It's also patronising/insulting to assume that all OPs are deluding themselves and there is some terrible back story they are not divulging!

Laquitar Fri 22-Jul-11 16:43:51

Like Plenty i am more surprised by how much some people put up with.

I shouldn't really because i 've done it myself but many years ago.

The phrase 'fighting for your relationship' makes me sick tbh. Like those who go to the beach and its start raining but they insist staying for the sake of it. They don't enjoy it but they stay.

Fennel Fri 22-Jul-11 16:44:39

For me not pulling his weight around the house and with children is not a "triviality", it's fundamental to a good relationship for me. I tend not to post much on relationship threads because actually mostly I read those accounts of relationships and I do think "dump him". I would personally dump about 90% of men, I'm not very impressed with most of them in the partner stakes.

But it is different obviously as most women have, presumably, at some point chosen to be with these men, and obviously dumping someone for not loading the dishwasher does seem a bit drastic. But in my relationship, not sharing all these tasks fairly would be a dumpable offence. DP has always known this matters to me so it's what he signed up for.

Jazzicatz Fri 22-Jul-11 16:46:03

Can I add, that where there is abuse or even low level tensions then it is perfectly right that leaving is the only answer and MN has helped many women going through awful situations. I am not talking about that, but rather, the sort of day to day stuff that people don't seem to want to put up with.

ameliagrey Fri 22-Jul-11 16:50:59

I don't think there is ever going to be a consensus on this one simply because everyone has a different "pain threshhold".

What is a deal breaker for one person isn't for another.

People have different backgrounds, different needs, different ages, different incomes- all of which make a difference to what they are willing to tolerate.

Bar violence or totoally obvious abuse of some kind, then I don't think you can say something is trivial or not.

ChristinedePizan Fri 22-Jul-11 16:53:16

As you said OP: "I do think though that due to having both abusive parents and more recently an abusive partner my parameters are rather skewed!"

Quite possibly sad Are you getting any support to help you move on with what's happened to you?

I wish I could find Reality's thread on here but I'm rubbish with this new-ish search function - it's not nearly as good as the old one - but she completely nails it IMO in what is and isn't acceptable in relationships. So many women put up with borderline abuse because they think it's better than nothing. It really isn't.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe Fri 22-Jul-11 16:54:41

everything I've seen on here seems to indicate that the problem lies deeper than the OP.

It usually starts with the OP talkign about something that seems innocuous or minor, then it is revealed that the thing is a tip of an iceberg, or the last straw.
it is normally revealed that ther are other problems, and that the OP has posted something seemingly tiny to open up a dialogue - to get things out in the open.

It's very rare that the OP hasn't had thoughts that she should leave the man, or that he's not normal.

you just have to look out for the red flags.

(i have no expertise, of course, I wouldn't venture an opinion unless it was grindingly obvious)

Proudnscary Fri 22-Jul-11 16:55:51

I wish I had my faculties today because there is so much I want to say and can't seem to express it.

Why has this thread already moved on to 'why should women put up with borderline abuse'.

What about just a normal smattering of fuckwittage that is not - or should notbe - marriage shattering??!

That's the point here.

Many people (like my mother) think the grass is greener - they are not satisfied, they are frustrated, their partner (gasp!) has faults, life isn't very exciting and there is tension and stress in their lives.

So they break up a family only to realise the next man that comes along is also (double gasp!) imperfect. Life ain't a bowl of roses but marriage can be a grand old thing even with some 'low level tension' and a wee bit of bad behaviour every now and again.

Proudnscary Fri 22-Jul-11 16:59:03

arrggh at my post which doesn't make much sense. I'm for dinner with my entirely imperfect dh who shall never be dumped.

Proudnscary Fri 22-Jul-11 16:59:22

off for dinner, fucking hell.

RitaMorgan Fri 22-Jul-11 17:00:34

I find it more shocking what some women are prepared to put up with, and how badly so many men treat their partners/families.

Even "trivial" things like not pulling weight around the house, not equally parenting children - I couldn't live with that kind of disrespect, it must be so wearing to be treated like that in your own home.

Sapphirefling Fri 22-Jul-11 17:01:14

I think it's really difficult for someone to give a true representation of the dynamics of their relationship online. And I think the responses are so heavily influenced by the personal experiences of every poster.
But the posts that really piss me off are the ones when someone talks about how lovely, nice, kind, fantattic dad/wife their partner is but they've just fallen out of love, they're bored and they feel that they deserve better. No mention of counselling, or facing up to the realities of life with small children and mortgages etc or tputting in the bloody hard work that it takes to amke a marriage work.
But then again, I know my view is skewed by 2 people in real life who have ripped the hearts out of their families because they are 'bored' by marriage. Married to great, non abusive, caring guys but just feel that life should deliver them 'more'.

RitaMorgan Fri 22-Jul-11 17:02:26

I am in a good relationship though, and my parents had a good and equal relationship too, so that probably skews my views as well!

mumblechum1 Fri 22-Jul-11 17:05:59

I'm with you ProudnScary.

I particularly find it weird when SAHMs are being advised to dump their dh, who will often be working 12 hour days, because they don't do half the housework at weekends etc. Particularly when the SAHM's kids are in school.

I think people should try really hard to make it work (speak as a divorce lawyer)

LaurieFairyCake Fri 22-Jul-11 17:06:37

I rarely read the relationship threads but when I do my advice is mostly to get out of the relationship as they're being treated like turds on a shoe or its to get therapy as their relationship needs work.

The relationship threads are mostly depressing because so many mumsnetters (male and female) appear to be in ones with abusive, emotionally dysfunctional fuckwits.

Fairenuff Fri 22-Jul-11 17:07:07

Jazz what 'trivial' things are you thinking of?

As Nearlyheadless said, 'trivial' things are usually the last straw. A symptom of the real problem - lack of respect, control, infidelity . . .

If you read posts through to the end, many change quite dramatically as new information comes to light.

Posters have had suspicions, have no-one to turn to because they feel 'silly', but when they talk about it here, they often come to realise that they are NOT going mad and there IS a problem in the relationship.

I haven't seen anyone advise someone to split up over a trivial matter and if you can find an example to show me, I would be most interested to see it.

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