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WWYD in our situation??

(77 Posts)
nesslassie Fri 22-Jul-11 15:08:23

My DH and I have been together for 3 years, married for one and have a wonderful wee lad, aged 6 months.

When I first met my DH 5 years ago he was in an unhappy marriage. I was single. We became friends and after a while realized we had feelings for each other. DH was in the process of leaving his wife about this time and eventually he moved in with me.

Fast forward to early last year when my MIL was ill with cancer, which she sadly died from, leaving behind my FIL.

Since then, my FIL has been seeing my DH now ex wife as friends!!!?? Our relationship with my FIL has been sporadic, with him popping over to see us every couple of months - he's only seen our son a handful of times. He lives 20 mins away from us and has made a point that we are not welcome at his house, he never answers the phone, rarely replies to emails. In effect has distanced himself from us and only really sees us out of duty I think.

Yesterday, DH recieved an email from his father saying that my DH ex wife is moving in with him and basically that they are together, something we had suspected a couple of months back, with a added note at the bottom of the email he will be in contact with us shortly! My DH feels very hurt and angry, so do I!!

My question is, would you cut your losses and cut contact altogether with FIL?? Or is there another way round this to maintain a relationship with him?? Probably not, but worth asking!!

Sorry, this is a bit long, just realised after I re read it!!

Fairenuff Fri 22-Jul-11 15:14:44

Just to clarify - Your DH's ex wife is living with his dad as a couple? Have I got that right?

AchtungBaby Fri 22-Jul-11 15:15:59

That's my understanding too, Fairenuff.

TobyLerone Fri 22-Jul-11 15:17:34

If that is the case, I'd have to say that it's not really any of your business.

It's a weird situation, to be sure, but a decision that as adults they are entitled to make.

BrainSurgeon Fri 22-Jul-11 15:17:46

OMG ness I'm really sorry but I don't know what to suggest, I'm shock

Sounds yuk!

It may get easier in time but to start with, I don't think I could bring myself to face them as a couple.

Curious to see what others think!

nesslassie Fri 22-Jul-11 15:18:10

Yeah, sorry, I maybe should have made it clearer.

BluddyMoFo Fri 22-Jul-11 15:18:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo Fri 22-Jul-11 15:19:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 22-Jul-11 15:19:37


NerfHerder Fri 22-Jul-11 15:19:58

Why do you feel hurt? confused

nesslassie Fri 22-Jul-11 15:20:34

No, one of the main reasons they split up was she didn't want kids, my DH did.

ScaredOfCows Fri 22-Jul-11 15:20:38

I can understand why your DH might be upset, but why are you "hurt and angry"?

Sounds as though your DH might need to have a conversation with his Dad about where their relationship goes from here, why they are distant etc etc. Then make the decision about if to cut contact or not based on that conversation.

cestlavielife Fri 22-Jul-11 15:21:49

two single adults have got it together.

their business - not yours.

may be awkward but basically they were/are free to do whatever they liketogether - you need to accept that so does your dh .embrace it!

BluddyMoFo Fri 22-Jul-11 15:21:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary Fri 22-Jul-11 15:25:08

It's a bit grosserama but it's none of your business. And even if you think it is your business, there's nothing you can do about it anyway so you need to leave it alone.

nesslassie Fri 22-Jul-11 15:27:36

Anniegetyourgun, I've heard that song before, lol!

I'm hurt because my son will grow up not knowing his grandfather. My father died a couple of months ago, so has one less grandparent around. For me, my grandparents where everything to me and I kinda hoped that my son would have a good relationship with his! I'm also hurt because I'm angry on my DH behalf, he's really can't get his head around it.

Fairenuff Fri 22-Jul-11 15:28:16

I suppose your FIL has had to 'chose' between his partner and his son (and grandchild). A tough choice for anyone. Perhaps he will need some support.

I would be more concerned about DH's relationship with his dad and DC's with his grandad.

But this situation does make your DH's ex wife his step-mother, which is a really odd one. Would you be happy for her to be around your child if he visited his gp? Lots of things to think about.

doggiesayswoof Fri 22-Jul-11 15:28:20

Well, I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if my mum got together with my exh. I'd be totally baffled that's for sure.

I don't think I would want to see them as a couple. But tbh I think your dh needs to take the lead on this one - it's his dad after all.

Sounds like it wouldn't be a big effort or change to cut all contact since you don't see him much as it is. Is he interested in having a relationship with his grandchild?

Fairenuff Fri 22-Jul-11 15:29:08

FWIW I think it IS your business as the whole family are involved.

doggiesayswoof Fri 22-Jul-11 15:31:17

It wasn't looking like FIL would have a close relationship with his grandson even before this latest development though. Realisitically.

I do think it's crap he told your dh in an email.

SarahBumBarer Fri 22-Jul-11 15:31:18

It's a bit like some of the odder dynamics inbreeding inter-mingled relationships in my family: my cousins and I don't know if we're cousins/antie and a neice or step-sisters! grin It can be awkward if you let if but not necessarily so. I try to concentrate on the relationships which exist now and now worry too much about what was.

I really don't know why you or your DH feel angry and hurt? That FIL seems to have taken her side? OK but then your DH did leave her and you were already on the scene - you have to expect a bit of that I'm afraid and I think you are both being a bit drama queenie with "hurt and angry". A bit "eew" and hmm maybe smile

It sounds as if your relationship is cool anyway so it's not like there is going to be a double dinner date imminently. Just keep it cool, take it slow see what comes. Why make an absolute decision to cut them/your FIL out of your life when there is no need to make such a decisions and you can just see how things pan out.

nesslassie Fri 22-Jul-11 15:35:05

I know they have made their choices to be together and we won't interfere in that.

We don't want to see them as a couple socially, but my DH and I perhaps, given time wouldn't mind seeing FIL alone.

As for my son, I think my FIL finds the baby stage difficult, something he has admitted in the past. I think once my son is walking a talking, my FIL would be happier and easier to interact with him.

BrainSurgeon Fri 22-Jul-11 15:36:01

Agree, Fairenuff, especially if you are a closely knit family.

So let me get this straight, those who say "they're two consenting adults, this is none of your business" - are you saying that:
1. OP and her DH should not mind at all the awkardness of the situation and treat the new couple as grandparents without reservation?
2. OP and DH should leave the two consenting adults to mind their own business and not have any contact?

Fairenuff Fri 22-Jul-11 15:43:37

It sounds as if your FIL was distant and a bit off BECAUSE he was starting a friendship/relationship with DH's ex wife and felt a bit sheepish about it.

For goodness sake, his wife had died and he took up with his son's ex. Does he have no consideration for his son's feelings? There are certain relationships that you say 'no' to if you have any decency.

Yes, the man is entitled to live his life, have a partner, etc. But you don't bring a child into the world, raise them and then sleep with their ex!

What if they had never split up and were still together? Would he be unable resist her then and cheat on his son? But I digress . . .

ness what was your DH's relationship with his father like before all this?

cestlavielife Fri 22-Jul-11 15:46:07

just continue the sproadic contact they have at the moment .
no reason for it to change.

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