I can't stand my mum any longer

[Chucara]

I see my mum two times a year as we live in different and quite far away countries.

She is visiting us (DH, DD and my pregnant self) now in London and each time I see her I feel I can't stand her any longer. I think she is depressed and badly self-medicated, and does not seem to enjoy anything in life. She is 58 but psychically very inactive and deteriorated, and does not seem to take care of herself properly. Her head does not work very well for her age either, and I feel I can't have a decent conversation with her about anything really.

She has been like this since she divorced my father, 15 years ago. A few times she declared she wanted to commit suicide but nobody in the family took her seriously as she is a very manipulative person. Many members of the family (including me) have tried to persuade her to see a psychiatrist/psychologist but she refuses and says she is perfectly fine.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel I'm being stalked by her: in one single day, she can send numerous emails, text messages and leave quite a few voicemails on my answering machine. Now that she is at home, she sits in the kitchen and does not take her eyes out of me, it feels very uncomfortable.

What I can't really stand and feel ashamed of are her levels of self-abandonment. I never feel sad about her but on the contrary really angry as I can't understand how a person can lead such a non-joyus, lazy and unproductive life.

Anyone out there with a difficult mum who can give some advice on how to cope with the emotional difficulties in dealing with such complicated creatures?

Any words of advice much appreciated, as I can't stand her any longer.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

your mum sounds ill

depression can be very debilitating

you don't sound as though you like her very much

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Are your feelings of anger and shame really about how she treats herself? Or could they be about how she treats (treated) you? Or are you angry or ashamed at yourself about something - eg. your feelings about your mother?

Ignore if this doesn't sound relevant. But it struck me that anger and shame are pretty deep emotions to be feeling about someone else and their treatment of their own self, and I wondered how you might fit into those feelings. It could give you some insights on why you are reacting like this, which would be your first clue in how to resolve it.