Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Thought it would be a fresh start-except I'm in tears everyday!(28 Posts)
Haven't posted here for a few weeks but feeling so sad and down and I could really do with some perspective on things.
3 weeks ago I moved to London to start a new job. I left my DP of 4 years to come down here. The relationship hadn't been good for a while (issues with his drinking, the house we were living in etc.). I had been trying to make more effort to make our relationship better though and it was improving. Then he found out (via a thread on here, he was snooping in my internet history and I was a fool not to delete it) that I had feelings for another guy from our home town who I've known for years (never acted on though). It just went downhill rapidly after that and the upshot has been that I have come to London to try and escape it (maybe that makes me a coward?)
Now I am here I just feel so utterly and totally alone it is horrifying. I really miss my DP, I keep thinking I should have worked harder to make things work out. I cry every single day and I am so so homesick. My family and friends are hundreds of miles away in the North East. Also now I no longer have my DP to look after, or my horse or cat (who have both stayed at home). I feel as if my life has no purpose or meaning. I never thought it would feel this bad.
I have 2 good friends down here but I don't think they understand how I'm feeling really. They are both really independent women who would never rely on a man. One of them even told me it was 'Good that I was alone because it meant I could concentrate on myself and not other people'. Trouble is, I don't WANT to be on my own and I want to have someone to love and care for.
I spoke to my ex last night on phone and things got really heated and he basically started saying that this wouldn't have happened 'If I didn't have feelings for this other guy'. I HATE what I have done to my life, I feel as if I have ruined it by being unable to control my stupid brain. It's as if I have got to be punished for having feelings I couldn't help and that I was never going to act upon. I put the phone down on him eventually and he started texting me saying 'This isn't my fault, you shouldn't have had those feelings, I bet you've even got tickets to see his band play in London in September' (He's in a band and no, I haven't got tickets)
I just feel as if I don't know what the hell I am going to do with my life, everything I try goes wrong. I just want to be happy but my brain seems to make me incapable of being so. I honestly feel at total rock bottom.
God sorry that was long, I apologise.
Ohhhh I think I remember your other thread. Were you the poster who had a crush on a guy in a band, but he was married? You'd known him for a long time?
If so, can you link to that thread?
If you are the person I'm thinking of, I remember thinking you weren't happy enough with your current partner for it to work.
Yes that was me (the guy isn't married however, although I guess that's by the by seeming as though I'm never getting together with him anyway)
I will try and link it but I'm not sure how to do it, I'm not the best with the laptop!
I don't know your back story but London is a big, scary, lonely place when you first move here. Even if you didn't have the problem with your ex, you still might be upset everyday before feeling settled.
All I know is that you can't go backwards in life. Your future might seem scary and unknown, but you seem to be mourning for a past that doesn't exist anymore.
There are thousands of free activities and stuff going on in London everyday. My advice is to set your sights on the future, not the past, and throw yourself into all the stuff London has to offer! It will take time, but soon enough you'll stop feeling 'homesick'.
Terraviva is so right....London takes a while to get used to. Your 2 friends have probably spent years building up a social life and have forgotten quite how much effort it takes in the first weeks/months. London has everything you could ever be interested in, get out there!
Terraviva It's scarier and lonelier than I ever imagined. Everything is different! For example, I went out for a drink with my friends on Saturday night so put on a nice dress and heels (I'm from Sunderland, we always dress up on a weekend night out) My friends both turned up in flats, leggings and minimal make up and made me feel totally overdressed. So I went out feeling like a drag queen basically and loads of guys were staring at me in a pervey way. It was awful.
I've been trying to go to as much stuff as I can, it's good while I'm there but once I get home the loneliness sets in. I'm not sure if I haven't thrown away the best chance I will ever had to be happy with both hands. If this is how my life is going to be from now on then I don't know what I'm going to do. I am anxious every day and have had stomach problems and crippling pains for a fortnight (which isn't like me at all) I keep trying to remind myself that I'm strong and independent but inside I feel like a terrified little girl who is nearly 33 and still hasn't sorted her life out.
How old are you op? I agree with the previous poster, you need to give life a chance in London. Anything is possible in a city, even though it may be lonely right now. Join some clubs, maybe start doing voluntary work.
You only think what you had was better because you feel it's better than what you have now. But when life improves for you, you'll see you're better off. You can do much better than that guy, who is trying to put the full blame on you now even though it was because of his issues that you split up. Don't give him the power, in fact make a pact with yourself not to contact him at all for 6 months. Easier said than done I know... It'll work out for you in the end.
X posts there... lol at your drag queen description!
Keep remembering why you left him!
Honestly M&W there's no reason why this won't pass. I remember reading your earlier thread but can't remember the details....of course a 4-year relationship will feel easier day to day than making a new life in London, but this really IS an exciting new start, you just have to get through this very first scary bit.
Where are you living? Have you got a nice place? If you feel awful while you are there perhaps you need to do an IKEA run and a bit of nesting?
I am 42 and have a wonderful DP and DD but, honestly, I would love to be starting out in London again....there's all sorts I would do that I never got round to.
You've been through a huge change in circumstances. Not surprised you feel some mourning and sadness for what you have left behind.
Agree with previous posters, London can be a big scary lonely place. But its huge, wonderful, fantastic advantage is that firstly there are endless things to do and secondly there are thousands of other people there who are new arrivals like you and also find it scary and lonely.
A site like www.meetup.com is great for finding interest groups and I've made some good friends through those (book groups and walking groups). If you're missing your horse and riding there are several riding stables both in central London and on the outskirts (not sure how much it costs though). The Ramblers is great for going on walks and meeting lots of different people.
Your whole new life is ready to begin - please get out there and do some things!
This reminds me of the Green Day song 'Welcome to Paradise'.
OP, get out there, go have fun, but realise and accept that it will take time to adjust. I would love to upsticks and move to London (live just outside but now a student and lone parent lol).
Live life, take time heal, lick wounds, then love life!
Oh dear just read your 'drag queen' description! Look - wear what you want, put on makeup how you want - why should what your friends do dictate how you look? Maybe it was the kind of bar you were in that brought about the pervy looks - a pulling type of place will always have leer-ers hanging about and that's more about the bar and the perves than it is about you. I bet you looked lovely. (Are these 'nice' friends you have BTW? A good friend will be supportive and make you feel good about yourself)
Does your self-confidence need a bit of shoring up?
Try doing some activities in addition to the pub/bar/club stuff - they might be a good 'safe zone' if the bar socialising gets a bit much at times.
Oh also if you're feeling lonely in the evening, maybe make a list of things you can do: call a friend (NOT ex DP); chat to family; come on MN and read threads/post about how you feel/look at the style and beauty board; get in touch with friends you haven't seen in ages; do your nails; plan your next holiday; sign up for a course (fun or serious - www.citylit.ac.uk has loads of different ones - languages, health and beauty, history, art etc etc)
you've made huge leap op. in many ways.
not sure how old you are, but anyway, moving to London is shit scarey. I did it when i was 20 and it took ages to get into it.
Two weeks later I was floored when my then boyfriend ended our relationship via a payphone (long time ago!) as he felt the distance wouldnt wok.
I felt crap for weeks, then very slowly things started to piece together. It would be safe and easy for you to run back to a man who you wanted to run fro, but give yourself a chance.
London does have it's own groove, but you will find your place, I am so sure of it. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you've got a job and somewhere to live.
Bloody well done i say!!!!!
I totally agree with the previous posters, moving to a big new city where you hardly know anyone and feel like you've left your "real" life behind is just really, really hard at first. In London you can get the impression that everyone is busy and savvy and confident and surrounded by friends, but you'd be surprised how many people are feeling exactly like you are at the moment.
When I first moved to London I remember hating my job, feeling like a friendless loser, spending entire weekends on my own, obsessing about how often I could go "home" for visits etc. This went on for probably a few months. But little by little things just changed, and I ended up really really loving my job, gradually accumulating friends, and falling in love with the city and my life there.
I went through the same thing all over again when I moved from London to Paris (if anything it was a lot worse because I knew literally no-one here plus there was the language barrier to overcome) and was tempted to run back to my safe, comfortable "real life" in London so many times, but I managed to stick it out through the bouts of crying and loneliness...and eventually met my wonderful DP here rather unexpectedly :-) Now I'm really happy to be here and can't imagine going back to the UK just yet.
I imagine it's even harder when you have the remains of a relationship that wasn't completely "over" to dwell on as well, and make you wonder if you've made the right decision. But from the way you write about your ex-DP, I really don't think this is the guy for you. It's just the old thing of wanting to run back to what's comfortable and safe and known because it's so much easier than carrying with the difficult and painful process of forging a new life for yourself where there are no guarantees for the future, especially in terms of love.
All I can really say is that 3 weeks is nothing. You need to give this a lot more time, accept it will be hard but that things WILL get better for you very gradually over time. You could meet the right guy for you at any time, it could be tomorrow or it could be 5 years from now but you'll never meet him if you go running back to your ex-DP who, quite frankly, doesn't sound like a great catch.
In brief, hang in there OP! And on a side note, have you looked into volunteering at a dog/cat home or something in London if you miss your animals?
i went through something similar last year. split with with my boyf though my own crap behaviour and had to move out pretty quickly. i decided i didnt want to go back to house-sharing (that felt like going backwards to me) and thought i would try living on my own. i was 30 at the time.
my god, the first few months were awful. really awful. i went out as much as possible, drank waaaaay too much, snogged some really unattractive men hated going home as it was just me and the silence was deafening, and i just felt crap about myself. i'm from the uk but live in ireland (ex is irish), so had very few friends here, and no one that close who i felt could use for continuous support - which is basically what i needed.
anyway, eventually things began to change (as they always do) and i started to enjoy going home. it gradually became less awful and i started to quite like having my own private space where everything was mine, and represented a bit of me. so that's where i'm at now. i do still feel lonely sometimes, but i now try and view it that it's my choice whether i stay in or go out. there are always people to go out with. confronting that pain of being alone and feeling unloved and like you have messed everything up is really hard, but it is worth working through - and you can only really do that by spending time with yourself.
ps: before moving here i lived in london. i joined this group to make friends, do outdoorsy stuff, and get out of london - www.8thdayuk.com
Remember your thread. Don't blame yourself for the break-up, it didn't sound like the relationship was right. Also suspect that if you went back to your ex-DP he would hold your feelings for the OM against you and punish you forever more!
London can be very hard. I moved down when was 22 (also from the north and after the end of a relationship) and was homesick and miserable for a long while. I threw myself into work and read a lot of books!
I remember going out and feeling overdressed too, but anything goes in London! Also remember going out and seeing groups of people having fun and feeling totally alone and billy-no-mates.
If you miss your family, go and visit or get them to come down to you. But don't see or speak to your ex - cold turkey and a period of total non-contact is best.
It may or may not work out for you in London, but try to do well at work, let people who seem nice know that you don't know many people yet, accept invitations you're offered even if it's not your thing, and just keep going while you get over the break-up.
Thank you for all the kind replies everyone. I just wrote a really detailed response and then realised I wasn't logged in and lost it all, nightmare!
I have to go to work now but I will post properly when I get in later. Thank you all again.
Hi OP. Don't look back. You have to be strong and move on, this is a great opportunity.
IMO it takes about 9 months to feel comfortable living in London (I moved there at 22) - finding your way around by tube, bus and most importantly on foot, finding places you want to go, building a social life, knowing what to do at the weekends
But it's worth it. I moved out about 8 years ago, still miss it like mad and love going back xx
OP you will feel better.
I'm in a vaguely similar position. DP of 3 years has just left me for various reasons, mostly delusions of his, and blames me. I feel I have ruined my life by doing things that led to this (going out lots, male friends etc) but a lot of wiser people on here have talked me through it and made me realise this is not the case. I live in London and despite having a lot of friends here now it's funny how alone you suddenly feel after losing someone you lived with for a long period of time.
Keep looking forward and if you need anything relating to London PM me.
What everyone else said - you've made a huge change and virtually everyone is homesick and out of their depth when they first move to London. I was too when I did it . In a matter of months you'll be confident and know what's what. You just have to get through this bit - it gets better, way better.
I think you should stop contact with your ex - he's only got anger and guilt to heap on you now - you don't need it. Start thinking in terms of, it would never have worked because he's very black&white about things and very unforgiving - so you are better off out of it.
Get yourself a goldfish or hamster or even a plant, so you've something to come home to and look after.
Give it time, you will love your new life.
You are doing so well! Moving on your own was a massive brave step, I am so jealous, I always wanted to move somewhere new on my own but things didn't work out that way.
Everyone gets homesick and it's normal to grieve over the end of a relationship, even the bad ones. Just take it one day at a time, before you know it you'll have made new friends, be wrapped up in your job and out there having fun and one day realise that it's been a few days since you thought about the ex, then a few weeks, then a few months and it just won't matter anymore. I really think you need to stop the contact, there's no point going over who did what wrong now.
When I moved to London - many years ago - I was probably going through a the most traumatic time of my life - I can' t say whether I'd have felt better about the trauma if I'd stayed in my own town but looking back at least I had the distraction of starting a new course and making friends,trying to build a social life etc.
It did take time (quite a long time actually) and effort at the beginning (though I find now I don't need to make an effort IYYWIM) but was well worth it and never looked back. I have been married, divorced and had two children since living in London and hope to stay here.
Your exp is probably jealous and envious that you've moved on.
So much to do see and become involved in here it's almost overwhelming. But so full of possibilities.
When I first moved to London, a new aquaintance said to me that it's both the best and the worst place to be lonely. So true.
While you are finding your feet socially, make the most of all the amazing (and often free) galleries, concerts, walks etc.
I am sure you'll settle down slowly but surely (that's how it worked out for me). It's a new and exciting chapter in your life - well done for taking the leap.
Join the discussion
Please login first.