Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

im not sure what i want from this thread,but

(27 Posts)
NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Fri 22-Jul-11 09:44:03

i need some opinions i guess.

its about our failing relationship.
DP and i genrally bumble along nicely,when its good,it's great,but were both tired and snappy sometimes,i can be quite emotional and angry when i f eel frustrated.
anyway,a few months ago i caught him watching porn ,he knew how i felt about it,and i thought i knew how he felt about it,i was a huge shock and i felt like i didnt know him anymore.

then about a month later he lied to my face.
the lie really rocked me,the fact that he could lie so easily and completely.i wouldnt have known and im sure he would never have told me unless i already had evidence.

the lie is quite a long story,he used to smoke cannabis (so did i a long time ago) so we were at a 'going away party' for some friends who were emmigrating,he had a joint,fine IMO(the kids WERE NOT there) so this is where the lie starts.
when we came home,he brought some back with him,then when that ran out he texted his old dealer and bought some more.
i found the text,and asked him if he had any drugs in the house.
he said NO,he woiuld never do that,why would i think that?i asked if he was SURE there was nothing i should know about,he says NO.
i show him the text and he says sorry,he shouldnt have lied etc etc etc.

he handed over the cannabis,and i have gotten rid of it.

im having trouble getting over this lie,its the LIE thats the biggest problem for me.
when i bring it up,he tries to make me feel guilty about mentioning it,like ive ruined a good day.he seems to turn it around on me,almost listing all my bad points,making out im the problem.he seems to despise me.but when i ask if he wants to leave,he says no,and gets either really upset(as he did last night) or almost angry.

when i dont bring anything up,we get along well,he's very hands on dad,gets home from work and cooks/cleans/helps with the DC,always,its about as 50/50 as you can get.

i want to salvage this,but i dont know how.

i suppose i am quite emotionally unstable,(im going to the DR's about this) but ive either been pregnant or BFing for four years straight,im a SAHM and im exhausted.i cant make head nor tail of this anymore.
there is no one in RL to talk to about this.

i need to go out quite soon,but i will be back later today.

im sorry it's so long.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Fri 22-Jul-11 09:51:38

Porn use, drug use, lying, and then blaming you for harshing his buzz by asking to be respected.

when i bring it up,he tries to make me feel guilty about mentioning it,like ive ruined a good day.he seems to turn it around on me,almost listing all my bad points,making out im the problem.he seems to despise me.but when i ask if he wants to leave,he says no,and gets either really upset(as he did last night) or almost angry.

Of course he doesn't want to leave: he wants to be able to use drugs and porn, and to lie to you when you ask him uncomfortable questions, blame you for it, and have you stay around to take it.

The question is: what do you want to do? Don't say: "I want him to do x, y, z," because that's something only he can choose to do. What action do you want to take?

Hassled Fri 22-Jul-11 09:51:56

I know exactly what you mean re the lie. DH and I are fine, we've been together years and years now and all is good, but 12 years ago he told me a whopper of a lie to cover up the fact he'd been crap. I had proof he was lying, I kept telling him that I had proof and he still lied. It took me ages to get past it and tbh it still bugs me from time to time now - the crapness of what he did wasn't the problem, it was the fact he coudl look me in the eye and lie that was the problem.

But as I say, we've moved on - the difference I suppose is that my DH understood why it was a big deal and yours doesn't seem to. You don't sound emotionally unstable at all to me (did he tell you that you are?) - you sounds quite reasonably tired and upset.

You can't have drugs in your house and he knows that. I suspect the guilt is what's fuelling his behaviour - he doesn't like feeling guilty and he's cross with himself, but he's taking that out on you rather than acknowledge that he fucked up. Don't let him dismiss you or trivialise it - and remember this will take time to get past. You won't wake up tomorrow feeling fine, but if he takes responsibility for the mess you can salvage this.

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Fri 22-Jul-11 09:56:14

hassled,your message has really struck a chord.
the thing is,i dont think he is using porn or drugs anymore.i think he stopped when i 'found out' on each occasion,but i still cant convince myself he's always telling the truth. not sure even i do.
i dont know what i want,except for him to realise (really,not just say he does) that HE did this.

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Fri 22-Jul-11 09:57:50

(he said the porn was a one off,it was one of those adult freeview tv shows.i belive this,i think)

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Fri 22-Jul-11 09:58:21

sorry,really must go out now.thankyou again.

WriterofDreams Fri 22-Jul-11 10:02:15

It sounds like you're having the same argument over and over and it's doing both your heads in. You need to stop and sort out this situation once and for all or you're likely to keep going around in circles for a long time until you've both lost patience with each other and there's nothing to salvage. It seems to me that you quite rightly want him to be truly sorry for what he did. Therefore you keep bringing it up hoping that this time he'll show you the respect you deserve. As far as he's concerned the matter is done with and you're being a bit crazy by constantly going back to it again and again. Have you tried to talking to him without it being an argument? Have you tried calmly stating how you feel and what you expect from him? Do you think he'd listen?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Fri 22-Jul-11 10:04:35

i dont know what i want,except for him to realise (really,not just say he does) that HE did this.

Can he? Will he? It's up to him. Unfortunately, you can't make him take responsibility; he's got to be willing to do that himself.

Your responsibility is towards yourself (and your DC). How are his actions making you feel? What does he do when you tell him how you feel?

Apocalypto Fri 22-Jul-11 10:51:38

Porn use = normal. I don't mean all men constantly look at porn all the time. I mean all men have looked at it at some time. You've been pregnant and breastfeeding, so you've not been available, so he looks at others who are.

Drug use = you did this yourself so you're not in a good place to tell him he shouldn't. I don't 'get' drugs at all myself and think all users are tossers, so this seems like predictably tosserish behaviour.

Lying = he accurately predicted how you'd react, sees this as none of your business and elected to make his own life easier. At what point will you stop bringing it up? A week, a month, ten years?

Lying in a relationship needn't be the end of it. Look at all the support offered here to women who wish to lie to their partners about being on the pill, for example. There are lies of convenience and lies to cover up and hide deceit, and I'd suggest they're not all equally bad.

MadamM Fri 22-Jul-11 12:09:51

Errr...Apocalypto I am not sure i understood you point of view well.
Are you saying that the Op should just shut up because she is unreasonnable as
- she probably hasn't had sex with her DH as she has been pg, bfing therefore 'poor man' had to look at porn instead (despite the fact he knew she wasn't happy about it)
- she has used drugs before therefore is as much of a tosser than him (even though it was a long time ago and there was no dcs at the time. A very different issue than bringning drugs into your house with children around)
- he can do whatever he wants as it is none of the OP business if he take drugs or look at porn (Even though it is obvious that lying is a break of trust, he knew about her pov and taking drugs can lead to all sorts of problems in a relationship)

I am sorry but I don't quite agree with you.

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis, I actually find it is totally understable that you are upset by his behaviour, especially if he doesn't want to take responsability for it and put all the blame down to you. Incidently, even if you are partly responsible of the situation, he is bound to have some responsability too!
First of all, do yu have any clarity on what is the most upsetting part in all that and what is it you are not prepared to accept another time? Think about it and be clear of the main message you want him to get.
Then, I would tell me as unemotionally as possible (or write to him if you don't think you can) what is the issue for you and how it made you feel. Tell him that you will not accept that he will do X or Y again and mean it. Remind him his behaviour/actions are his choice , his decision and his reponsability. Then stop talking about it and see how things go.
He might decide to take it on board fully when there is less pressure on him to do so. He might not. And you will then have to see whether this is a deal braker for you.


NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 22:06:40

i have read and re-read your replies,i just wanted to say thankyou.
youre right,i need to work out what i wont put up with,and what i need from him.

more importantly i need to know what i want to do.

i think what compounds all this is that maybe 2-3weeks i found some emails to a few of his friends,who are girls,mainly saying he missed them and 'loves' them.
one is an ex girl friend,she lives on the other side of the world,so of course is no 'threat'.hmm
the 1st email to her consisted of a poem (not unlike him,he used to write them for me...not anymore) the second mail,was a link to a website,for clothes,he had written that he thought she'd like them,fair enough i suppose,but among the tops and skirts there were erotic clothes,nipple 'petals', tops with the boobs cut out,girls modeling them topless.
obviously this HURT,and i was angry,and upset.
he had 'hidden' this from me,and to me felt very inappropriate.
he told me it was because she designed clothes for a living,it was relevant to her job etc.....hmm
she did not reply to him.

there are other things too like he told his dad he wasnt 'sure' if i was 'the one' and later after he had realised i was,when telling people of our engagement he almost whispered it to them,like it was a secret.confused

writing this down,it looks BAD doesnt it.

but day to day we are happy,he seems to love me,does loving things,says loving things.

how do i/we get past this???
im still so confused.

(sorry that was long againblush

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 22:10:29

eww, yuk

why are you with this weak and shady fuckwit ?

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 22:14:37

umm because i think he might just be an idiot.
and he doesnt know what he's doing is off.he said he hadnt looked at the website properly,didnt know about the 'petal's' hmm

oh fucking fuck.
WHY am i making excuses for him?

he can be such a lovely fuckwit.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 22:17:07

some fuckwits are lovely, in a stupid kind of way

it doesn't mean we should spen the rest of our life with them

they can be ok for a bit of a larf...but as a life partner ?

guaranteed to fuck you over, I am afraid

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 22:17:30


NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 22:21:38

ahh,anyfucker,i wish you were here mid argument sometimes....

so there's no hope?
he is doomed to be a fucking twat forever?

im just going to keep looking for evidence of his fuckwittery,until he does something stupid again.

i feel like bashing my own head against a wall.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 22:25:44

oh, I dunno, you seem pretty clued up, tbh

you don't take offence at someone calling your "loved one" a fuckwit....some women go batshit when you do that smile

you will reach your limit, love

I don't think it will be too long...just give him a long leash, he will fuck it up quite soon, I reckon

give 'em enough rope....

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 22:33:52

oh no,he IS the very least.
and you're probably right,oh i wish he wasnt....but wishing wont make it true will it.
thing is,most of the behaviour he see's as 'normal' most of his old friends engage in drugs,but they dont have kids(mostly) and most of his friends tell each other they 'love' the other etc fucking hippy's ....but to me it wreaks of innuendo and bad judgement.

still,i want to trust him.
would that be a really stupid thing to convince myself to do??

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 22:36:39

You shouldn't have to make a big effort to trust someone to do the right thing

relationships shouldn't be such hard work

if he doesn't make you feel safe, and secure, I would question what he is for, tbh

now, safe doesn't have to mean "boring" let's be clear on that

but if he makes you feel "unsafe" why would you stay with him?

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 22:45:20

because,(now,i mean this,it not just a phrase) he is a fantastic daddy,right now he is walking around the house patting and singing to baby DS until he falls asleep.he gets up in the night,wakes up in the morning with them,gets in from work and immediatley starts doing whatever i need him too,cooks cleans,deals with tantrums poo,the lot.he does more than his fair share.
and we are very alike,our personality's are very similar,we have the same ideas about life (mainly)
he used to make me feel secure,i want that back.
and i love him.

but does he love me?
he says he does,but his actions,the big ones,are unclear,arent they.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 22:57:10


I went back your original post

this bloke doesn't seem like a bad man

he comes across as an immature man, who is fab when things go his way

when they don't ? I dunno...only you know how bad he makes you feel

the drugs in the house ?

you know that is a dealbreaker, and so does he (if he is such a good father as you say)

the porn ?

not necessarily a dealbreaker...some men use it without thinking through the real issues...the politics of it, how they would feel if that were their daughter on the screen, how women are exploited in the sex industry etc. It doesn't make them a psychopath, but it does underline selfishess and a need for instant gratification at any cost

not everyone sees porn like that though

if your real problem with porn is jealousy, I don't get that, isn't about jealousy for me, it's about what kind of man sees women as sex objects IYSWIM

the emails to the other girls ? I reckon he is flirting, and sending out feelers as to how far they will take it

RL interaction (as opposed to porn) is more of a problem...if these girls responded sexually, how far do you think he would take it ? He is giving them an opportunity, in my view, to take him on

he would not admit that, but he is

he needs to stop doing that, today, but will he ?

or will he just try and make you feel like you are irrational ?

that is the crux, IMO

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 23:00:21

i need to read that a few times,let it sink in,before i know what to say or think.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 23:02:47

it's just my opinion, love

I am quite an old bird though, so do speak from experience

NotSureWhatIWantFromThis Sat 23-Jul-11 23:20:41

from just a thread,you have worked out more about him than most people who've known him a long time.

the drugs.he knew it was a dealbreaker,so he 'hid' it from me.thought he would deal with it himself,'just one more,then i'll stop'
it was stupid,he admitted that as soon as he was caught out,handed them over,made no attempt to justify it to me, accept to say it was an old,bad habit.

the porn,IF he had thought about it,he would have known it was a really stupid thing to do,he knew it would hurt me (yes i do feel jealous to an extent,but more it worrys me what kind of man see's women as objects to wank over.i find the whole thing pretty vile)
he feels shit about this,really clashes with 'who he is' and his wider ethics etc.i dont hink he'd do this again.

the emails to the other girls ? I reckon he is flirting, and sending out feelers as to how far they will take it
that is how i see it,that is why it hurt so much,but again,i think its almost sub conscious,un-thinking ie "i always used to speak to my friends like that,so will continue to do so" without even the thought flicking through his tiny mind that it might hurt me,or even destroy our relationship.
as for how far would he take very unsure.

and no he would not admit to it.he would perhaps recognise that i might think that,it might seem that way,but he wouldnt admit it outright.

he did try to make me feel irrational,he did not succeed.
and as far as i know,he has not contacted anyone like that since. (i check up on him,i know thats bad,but i do.)

AnyFucker Sat 23-Jul-11 23:33:48

I don't blame you for checking up on him, don't ever feel guilty for that

he has given you reason to not trust him

I have no more to say, tbh, you know him

only you can decide if he is worth it

I don't know that, and you have your screwed on, IMO

my DH did some stupid things in our early days together

if I hadn't thought him worth sticking with, we would have been history a long time ago

what made me think he was ?

he listened , some deal breakers for me were worked on under his own steam (issues around drinking and respect of me)... I did not force him to change, he accepted he was wrong (not immediately, btw)

he doesn't roll over to my POV always (I wouldn't respect him if he did) but he grew up and was always a fair-minded person anyway (his mum did him massive favours there)

have a good think

all the best, and you know where we are

pm me anytime (but not next week 'cos am on hols) x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now