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Difficulties with ex

(18 Posts)
HairExtensions Thu 21-Jul-11 23:59:42

I am starting to feel at the end of my tether with my ex.

The main issue I have with him is regarding my children, I have done my best to facilitate contact between him and DC but he only seems to be interested in them when he is either

a) trying to get back together with me - this will NEVER happen.

b) trying to control me - he believes that as I am the resident parent that he is entitled to know where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, in fact every little detail of MY life. Even that which does not directly concern the DC.

As he lives a considerable distance away (approx 230 miles) I agreed that he could visit the DC at my house. This has been terrible as he treats our (mine and DC) home with no respect. He also stole money from me last week so I no longer want him to be here. Certainly not overnight.

It isn't really feasible for him to have the DC where he lives either, he gave up his rented house last month and has moved in with his mum. There are a lot of reasons why I don't want him to have unsupervised contact with the DC where he lives.

I'm just so fed up of the arguing, the threats, the emotional blackmail, and the lies. Everything just feels like an upward battle all the time. I'm tired and my poor children, well I don't even know where to start about their feelings and the effect this has on them . . .

I feel like just refusing contact and let him take me to court to get it all sorted out that way because whatever I do, whatever I offer, it's never enough for him sad

pickgo Fri 22-Jul-11 00:08:42

I think it's almost impossible to make your present arrangement work. REally it's not your responsibility to maintain his relationship with the DCs.
How would they feel if they saw much less of their dad?
If you go to a solicitor they will suggest mediation as a first stage to getting contact arrangements sorted out. That would never include contact/overnight stays at your house.

oldenoughtowearpurple Fri 22-Jul-11 00:21:05

'whatever I offer it's never enough for him'. And it never will be. Stop trying to please him, it just gives him ammunition to manipulate you and make you unhappy.

You may want him to be a good dad to avoid the hurt to your children of his neglecting them. You may feel guilty for providing them with a crap dad. Sadly this is all out of your control. He is a crap dad. Get him out of your house, decide a reasonable arrangement, stick to it, keep your expectations very low indeed, and support your kids.

ivykaty44 Fri 22-Jul-11 00:21:21

stop being his organiser, if you carry on then your relationship with your dc will suffer and his will never be wonderful anyway and your children need a parent to have a good relationship with.

Make sure you look after yourself and your children and build a good relationship between you.

tell your ex he needs to sort out his own life FULL STOP

and let him, you need to let him, you must stop interfering, you must take a dozen steps backwards - yes you are meddling.

Then whatever relationship he builds with his children will be his and his alone regardless of whether it is good or bad or indifferent.

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 00:30:57

Hi pickgo, thanks for your reply.

I've already been down the solicitor route, we had then seemingly gotten to a point where we could at least talk and make arrangements for him to have contact/visits with the DC and the first few times went ok but things have just went really downhill again.

For example, he comes to see the DC, always without exception gets "ill" and then I can't get rid of him for days as he maintains he is too unwell too drive!

On Tuesday, I wouldn't answer the phone to him, I wasn't feeling well and I just couldn't face talking to him after he took money from me last week. So yesterday I phoned him, only for him to say I'm 20 miles away! I said I don't want you here, you're not invited, unwanted etc he turned up anyway. He said he just really wanted to see the DC, and that he wanted to return some of the money, he saw them for 20 mins while he made himself a cup of tea then asked if he could lie down on DD1 bed as he felt "ill" and that was me stuck with him until today. Needless to say he didn't give me any money.

So basically, I think my DC would be upset at the thought of seeing him less, but he does nothing with them anyway. On paper, as he stays for what looks like an extended period of time, it looks like he has a lot of contact. But even though he is here in the same house, they don't see him cos he goes to bed and thats it. My DC are 6, 4 and (nearly) 3.

pickgo Fri 22-Jul-11 00:39:54

Well I think it's clear his so called 'contact' isn't about him seeing the DCs really is it?
So the question is are you willing to let him use the DCs as a way to manipulate and control you?
I think you've got to put a stop to this and let him sort out how he's going to have access without you providing your house for his convenience.
DCs of that age are going to be pretty easy to distract and comfort if they feel sad at him being around less. But as you say, it's not really them that he's coming for is it?
Back to the solicitors then?

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 00:41:39

oldenough - I didn't really feel that I was trying to please him, I thought I was doing what was best for my children. I hate him, I really do. And I'd be happy if we never saw or heard from him again but I felt that my children had a right to a relationship with their dad and I'd just have to get on with it, despite the bad taste it left. But more recently, I have come to realise that I've just been letting him ride roughshod over me because I don't want to get in confrontations with him (he scares me) and the treats he would make about taking the children away, getting custody etc terrified me! But now I just need to grow a pair, thats why I was thinking about refusing contact on the terms he wants and let him take me to court to sort it out. I doubt he'd bother though tbh.

ivykaty - can you explain in what way I am being his organiser? interfering? meddling?

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 00:49:39

pickgo - do you think I should go back to my solicitor or wait til he gets a solicitor and makes the first move? I feel like I should sit back now and let him do the running - be reactive this time, rather than pro-active?

And no, I'm not prepared for him to get at me through the DC and I've made it clear that he won't be staying here again. That if he turns up again without an arrangement I won't let him in.

pickgo Fri 22-Jul-11 00:52:23

Hair - your DCs are the ones with the rights in this situation - ie to see their dad. BUT it's not up to you to make that happen - in fact you can't can you - even when he's staying in your house he isn't really there for them. It's up to him to make his access work.
Threats to get custody are empty - he won't (it's hard work innit!) and anyway no court would grant it when your DCS are with you in your house and are the ages they are.
I think you are so right about refusing contact on these terms - it must be so confusing for your DCs apart from it being a very unhealthy way to live for you.
As you say, let him take you to court and in the meantime perhaps he could take them out for a couple of hours on a sunday?

ivykaty44 Fri 22-Jul-11 00:52:25

Because you refuse to say @no@ and back away from him. No you can't come, no you can't lay down on the bed etc

You let him in oyur house, you let him lay down on the bed and stay.

You are organising and interfering

You need to say no if you don't want him their

or do you want him there? do you like him staying ?

fuzzywuzzy Fri 22-Jul-11 00:54:44

Don't let him into your house. He arranges his contact time just not in your house.

You need boundaries, your home is out of bounds.

How often would you like for contact to take place? Email him a regular time he can have the children ie every other weekend he can have them for the day, you can do handovers at parks or or somewhere public which is not your home. Just tell him your home is not going to be the place for contact anymore.
If he decides to refuse contact on the basis you won't open your home to him you will know how much he cares about the children.

Kids will be happier if they know what's happening & there are clear boundaries.

Don't let him inside the door of your house.

pickgo Fri 22-Jul-11 00:56:57

Sorry x post.
If you're comfortable that the DCs won't be to bothered by not seeing him for a bit I'd definitely wait for him to initiate action to get the access arrangements resolved - there's more chance he'll stick to them then apart from anything else.
Do you think he will actually bother?
Don't forget if he turns up and gets threatening you are well within in your rights to lock all doors and windows, put the radio on loud and ring the police for them to take him away and warn him.

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 01:08:19

No I don't want him here. I don't want him staying. He puts me on the spot in front of the children and I feel terrible, he says things like "I've just driven 230 miles to get here, if I fall asleep at the wheel and crash it will be YOUR fault" in front of my children! He says that its too much of a journey to drive here and back in one day, that he cannot afford a hotel room and fuel costs.

I tell him not to come, he turns up anyway. I let him in the house because he hammers on the door and shouts until I do, and yes, I do give into him. Not because I want to but after 10 years of being dominated maybe it's taking me a bit longer to turn things around.

This is why I want to stop the contact until it is official, a court order or whatever. Because anything I have offered via my solicitor and then when we have been sorting out between us, he ignores outright or doesn't stick to for very long.

ivykaty44 Fri 22-Jul-11 01:12:49

Don't open the door - then he will not be able to say these things in front of the children. Call the police or let him hammer on the door - he will soon get bored.

if he text to tell you he is on his way - all the better - go out for a few hours and leave some lights on in the home.

Keep saying NO

It is called the broken record and often dc will use this technique - keep saying it over and over again to him and eventually it will sink in no means no and he will go away

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 01:14:21

pickgo - no I don't think he will. And it will suit him perfectly to be able to play the victim and say that I stopped him from seeing the DC.

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 01:16:36

Which I'm really not bothered about, as anyone who is worth anything to me knows the truth.

pickgo Fri 22-Jul-11 01:20:34

Shouting X at door=call to police.
Seriously, don't hesitate. It could get out of hand and you need to show him you are serious.
You could ring police beforehand and ask to speak to your neighbourhood bobby. Tell them the situation and say you expect him to come and start threatening you. They'll turn up faster and will warn him.
Good luck hair. Going to bed now, but come back and let us know how you get on.
You CAN do it!

HairExtensions Fri 22-Jul-11 01:27:29

Thanks pickgo smile and everyone for taking time to reply.

I was really worrying that I was BU by stopping the contact, but I feel a lot more "in the right" now, I'll let you know how it goes,

Nite x

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