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Could you please help me to get through the next few days ?

(190 Posts)
MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 22:27:03


I wanted to ask if anyone can help me please to get through to tommorrow and then perhaps saturday. My partner of eleven years has left tonight. We talked on Friday and he said he was leaving. Things have been difficult for a while and we nearly separated 4 years ago but he then changed his mind and we gave things another go. We have had a lot to deal with bereavement, debt, 3 small children etc etc .
The last year since his mum died he has become very uncommunicative. I have tried eveything to get him to talk to me but he just wont. I know he doesnt love me he has said this but I dont know why ... that is very hard to deal with.
I am now left with a full time managers job and three children under 8 who I have to support and keep a roof over their heads. I have very good family support and I know he will mainatain contact with the children but none of this touches the pain inside me. I feel like a failure both at my relationship and as a parent to my children because of the upset they are now going to have to endure and the change to their lives and that they wont have a mum and dad to live with.
Although things havent been good and it was me that forced the issue on friday I still feel bewildered about what happened to the person I fell in love with and shaken to the core by the fact that we do not have a future together. He is very detached and matter of fact about the whole thing which leaves me feeling so distressed and utterly worthless.
My family all expect me to be strong and i have been but now that he has gone I feel pathetic and left behind like a piece of rubbish that is no longer of any use.
I also now have to take the kids on holiday in five weeks without him which I feel like I cant face. I keep crying and I know this is not good for my children to see and I am exposing my 8year old to far to much but I feel like I cannot stop myself as I am so scared about getting through each day.

I apologise if the typing is not good but it is hard to see as I cant stop crying - I dont really know how I have ended up here in this position and I dont know how to keep going on the inside in terms of my emotions and feelings. I suppose if there are other mums out there who have been left with three kids and trying to hold down a full time job who have survived I would be grateful to hear how you did it - thank you very much

merryberry Thu 21-Jul-11 22:32:28

Hello <passes tissues>. Am holding your hand until proper support gets here

merryberry Thu 21-Jul-11 22:33:54

Take some deep breaths, wash your face. Stand upa dn put your arms up in the air a few times. Do what it takes to break out of crying jag.

merryberry Thu 21-Jul-11 22:35:08

Am bumping and bumping this for you

merryberry Thu 21-Jul-11 22:38:11

I'll be back as soon as I can tomorrow. So sorry to leave. I have to unplug our router

MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 22:38:57

thank you merryberry for the hand holding I am going to go and wash my face now x

merryberry Thu 21-Jul-11 22:40:22

I linked your thread on a busy thread, I hope someone else comes along soon. Will be back tomorrow.

floosiemcwoosie Thu 21-Jul-11 22:41:06

you need people around you. Do you have friends/family nearby?

No i havent been in this situation but my friend was left with two kids and a full time job Its tough but she is , eventually, happier

floosiemcwoosie Thu 21-Jul-11 22:43:08

you are not a failure

The fact that you are so worried about your kids, also confirms what a great mum you are x

Dozer Thu 21-Jul-11 22:43:37

So sorry. Hang in there.

There're other mums on here who've gone through it, and who're doing well.

You are NOT a bad mum, the dc will be fine, you'll be OK too.

Try to take care of yourself with the basic stuff.

Is good that family will help, is ok to show your sadness and hurt to them, don't put on a brave face with them, let them take care of you.

Dozer Thu 21-Jul-11 22:44:32

See saffysmum's thread, for example (22 years and he wants out).

AnyFucker Thu 21-Jul-11 22:45:32

love, I am so very sorry

what an absolute slap in the face for you, that he can be so cold

has be been detaching himself for a while now ?

how are the children ?

has he explained to them what is happening ?

is there anyone can step in and come on holiday with you ? That will be so painful as I assume the original plan was for all of you to go

the best advice I could give you, I think, is to roll with it

accept it is over

on no account, beg him to come back, "for the kids", for anything

let him go, and look after yourself now x

Dozer Thu 21-Jul-11 22:45:54

Is there anyone who can look after kids for a bit so you can weep and let it all out?

ClaireDeLoon Thu 21-Jul-11 22:46:43

I have no advice just gentle support. You are not a failure at anything. You come over as a thoughtful, caring & aware mother and partner. Things haven't worked out but you aren't a failure. You'll get through this.

MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 22:52:09

Thank you - I do have family / friends lots of support but I feel like I cant be upset in front of them but I can see that you are saying I should do that rather than being upset when I am alone

I will go an look at saffysmums thread now

He has been detaching himself for a while , the children appear fine ?? - its me that is thinking they wont be , he didnt explain - that was left to me - my mum and friend will come on holiday and you are right its the accepting that I cant do ( I think I should be able to make every thing right and the fact that I cant is killing me ) However I will not beg him to come back you are right. I have got through 44 tissues which is pathetic by any stretch so I think I should now take some deep breaths x

NorksAreMessy Thu 21-Jul-11 22:56:03

If you are in a full time job with three little DC you are already an amazing person.
You will manage this because you won't be able not to.
You will go on holiday because you will think about your DC and you will do it for them. I hope you will find some time in the chaos to enjoy yourself.
You are not a rubbish person, but you are in a rubbish situation.

We are here to hold your hand

AnyFucker Thu 21-Jul-11 22:57:05

saffysmum is an inspiration

she would be the first to tell you, though, that you should take things at your own pace

she was a wreck at first

most (decent) people would be, there is nothing wrong in being devastated at the loss of your dreams

but that dream has gone, you will have to make some new ones

ones that include him only as a co-parent, and not as someone who has the power to make you feel so, so bad

it will happen, not yet, perhaps not even soon but it will

notsorted Thu 21-Jul-11 23:00:33

if there is someone who is understanding who can come on holiday with you and won't expect you to be a bucket of fun then see if you can take them. Try and guess which one family member will best get you through this. Don't see them all at once or together as that can make it worse.
I've been there and on here when I felt I couldn't get through a day.
Take a sick day if you can and then you will have at least a few hours to cry alone. It's a shock, it's a huge shock and it's having a huge physical affect.
I don't know how old your DCs are but if you can find a DVD that they'll all sit and watch eating junk food if necessary then that's ok. Don't worry about letting things slide a little being there for them is enough.

And just take time. Each 10 minutes is enough at first. And don't make yourself feel bad. Being strong or coping will come, but at this moment you do need to cry.
Big ((hugs))

MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 23:00:44

norks are messy -thank you for your kind post - I hadnt thought about things that way ie what I will do rather than what I feel I cant - but it has also led me to tissue 45 x I really appreciate everyones thoughts and hand holding very much thank you

NorksAreMessy Thu 21-Jul-11 23:03:43

OK MAPAM that's tissue number 46 being used over at my place.

Whoever says this is just 'words on a screen' is a twit.

redfoxy Thu 21-Jul-11 23:08:07

about 3 years ago my sister phoned me up in bits, her partner of 18 years walked out on her. They had what I would call a perfect marriage. Turned out the rat he was having an affair.
Anyway, she has bounced back and says her life could not be better now. It was actually a good thing that happened, what they say, every cloud and a silver lining. Thing to remember is it might feel overwhelming now, but you will get through it and come out stronger!

MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 23:08:45

anyfucker - you are a very wise woman I think what you say makes sense to me even in this state. I will use what you and some of the other women have said as some statements to get me through to tommorrow. I just want the "slap in the face feeling to go"

notsorted - my mum and best friend are coming on holiday I cant bear for the kids not to have this as they have looked forwards to it for a year. they are such great kids 5,6,8 - I have taken this week off work and have to go back on monday - I am afraid I might cry at work as well but I think I will just say to my self to get through the first hour and then the next and then the next
Did you also feel humilliated ?

MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 23:12:05

Norks are messy - definately not just words - tissue 47 x
Red foxy - I suppose that is what I am hoping but cant yet see as you say I feel overwhelmed - but hearing about others who survive will help me I know x

MAPAM Thu 21-Jul-11 23:18:34

Floosiemcwoosie - Dozer and clairdeloon my earlier post was in reponse to your kind helpful posts -I didnt put your names in sorry couldnt see properly - contact lenses and crying dont mix thank you so much I will keep reading all of the posts till I feel I can sleep xx I am very grateful xx

pickgo Thu 21-Jul-11 23:20:21

MAPAM is there a possibility that you could get grandparents to take DCs on hols instead and get a break yourself? Bit scary at first on your own I know but the peace might just help you to relax a bit and do whatever you feel like.
You will get through this. You won't always feel like this. One day at a time.

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