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When we tired we row and we are horrible - why and how can we stop it?

(14 Posts)
bingalingalong Thu 21-Jul-11 15:03:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BranchingOut Thu 21-Jul-11 15:08:02

Er, just try to stop yourself and go to bed early.

Look for the warning signs that you are feeling tired and tense and then go to bed as soon as the washing-up is done.

bingalingalong Thu 21-Jul-11 15:45:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 16:15:33

Do you behave like this with other people or do you bite your tongue.

It's my bet that, no matter how tired you are, you wouldn't dream of talking to strangers, friends or colleagues that way.

You think it's OK to be rude and aggressive to your partner. That's WHY you do it.

As to stopping, you might consider CBT or some other such counselling.

ImperialBlether Thu 21-Jul-11 16:56:49

It might help to think of him posting on here, saying what you've said to him. What do you think people's reactions would be?

Get into the routine of a) not drinking when you're tired, b) having a really early night (eg 9pm) a few nights mid-week. Even if you stay up reading or watching tv, still make sure you're clean and in your pyjamas and in bed by 9pm.

lemonstartree Thu 21-Jul-11 16:56:51

No, I don't think its 'normal' to chuck hurtful things at your partner just for the sake of 'scoring' points. I think it is common, but not normal.

Think about the pointers to your rows. apart from being tired - I guess you don't have kids yet ? You will always be tired when you have young children, and you need to find a way to deal with that co-cooperatively and without being horrible to each other, else you will destroy your relationship pronto.

Practice some phrases... eg " I'm sorry X, I don't think we should discuss this right now as we are both tired. Shall we talk about this tomorrow?"

bingalingalong Thu 21-Jul-11 17:38:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 17:46:03

Not really sure of the point of your thread then bing

Why do we do it - you tell us it's because your're tired.

How do we stop it - erm, get some sleep.

And no, it's not normal in a loving relationship. Are you quite a young couple? Just wondering because it seems a little immature.

bingalingalong Thu 21-Jul-11 20:26:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IceCreamCastles Thu 21-Jul-11 20:35:58

We have a tendency to do this a bit when we're tired ( it's me more than dh if I'm being truthful)

We've found it helps to have a bit of a jokey code word or phrase which one of us can say to signal that we don't want to be acting like this and need a 'get out'.

99 percent of the one it completely diffuses the situation. Obviously not addressing the root cause but better than letting things get out of control.

I'm not telling you what our phrase is as it's highly embarrassing and would be meaningless to you grin

garlicbutter Thu 21-Jul-11 22:10:47

What sort of things do you say that "you don't really mean"? The stuff has to come from somewhere. Either you're spouting some old crap from childhood - in which case, you can identify it and talk it over when you're not rowing - or you're saying things you mean at the time but not forever ("I wish I'd never met you" is the classic one of those.) Or you do actually mean them, which would be a whole different thread.

It's helpful to understand each other's angry habits: if, say, your H knows your mum always said your dad was a lousy provider when they rowed, and you don't believe it of him, then he'll be able to choose not to feel hurt by it (as it's "mum crap".) It's also good to know that feelings are short-lived, that's the nature of them. He might hate the way you laugh when he's irritable but love it at all other times. You'd both get a lot from talking these things through smile

Two of the things counsellors talk about are "awfulising" and "forever thinking". That's when you say - or someone else does - "I can't stand this!!!" when they mean "I'm a bit exasperated by this" wink Same with "We always row, this marriage is over!!!" when what you really mean is "I don't like this row, hope we can get back to our normal marriage asap."

There are lots of books about this stuff and, if you can't get it together to work it through by yourselves, a short course of CBT should see you both right. Good luck!

garlicbutter Thu 21-Jul-11 22:19:41

Oh, I meant to put something about swearing as well. People who swear a lot are usually angry, unless it's just a conversational tic with them. It follows, then, that you're more likely to swear when you're having an angry row. Frankly I wouldn't worry about it too much unless you're using words designed to set the other one off (see previous post.) If you both want to stop doing it, you might need to come up with some viable alternatives - barmy ones if you like! The remind each other to use the alternative when you swear.

With any luck, it'll get you both laughing instead.

snoopdogg Thu 21-Jul-11 22:29:02

Like ICC, find a 'time out' word or phrase, when you feel it's got unreasonable either of you can say it and the row has to stop - the temptation then is to argue over who said the bad thing that meant the word had to be said - avoid it, give each other some space, both be big and say it go out of hand - it works, honest.

Rows get into patterns we feel comfortable with, clearly, neither of you are comfortable so nip it in the bud x

warthog Thu 21-Jul-11 22:36:33

eh? common = normal surely.

i think a lot more people do it that would admit to it. we all snap and are irritable if we're tired, surely?

we don't do it to strangers because we're not ourselves with them. you let your guard down with your partner.

i understand where you're coming from because i've been there too. competitive tiredness and all that.

you've just got to try and stop yourselves getting into that situation if possible. if not, well, you gotta exersize self control. easier said than done.

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