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Help I am not sure if I have done the right thing!

(30 Posts)
losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 12:04:14

My DH of 17 years went to Spain for a 40th birthday in May. I could not go although invited as I lost my Mom in February and did not want to leave the DCs with my Dad who is still struggling to come to terms.

When DH got back he started distancing himself from me and the family. This has gradually been getting worse and he is been working late and doing silly things like not wanting to sit next to me. He is hiding his phone and for the last few weeks has not wanted sex, which is unheard of for someone who previously had such a high libido. It came to a climax last week when he did not get home till 11 two nights on the trot and then encouraged me to go out for a drink locking the door from the inside so that I had to ring the bell to come in. He was on the computer upstairs as the light was on in that room and he had not gone to bed.

I therefore took an unprecedented step of finding his mobile in his jacket pocket after a night out the following night and checked it to find comments from one of his friends asking how he was getting on with Linda and lots of texts from a lady of the same name with one saying 'does your wife know you are talking to me so late'. There was also a booking for a table for two in London this Friday. He said he was going down to meet up with his friends.

I have always had the utmost trust in DH and really respected him. After reading the texts I went out for a bit and came back and asked him why he was being so distant and I told him I thought he had met a new woman and asked him why he was going to London. He got shirty and denied everything and confirmed he was going with his friends and had just been feeling 'down lately'. I said we needed counselling so he could talk to me about these things. Since then his phone has been nowhere to be seen. I did not tell him I had checked his phone but he has been coming back earlier and been more cheerful but still no closer and is still going to London. I found the lady on his facebook friends, he will not have me as a friend and sent her a message today, quite friendly saying I thought I ought to introduce myself as she had been good friends over the last few weeks and sent her a picture of me and our two children. I said 'I want to understand the friendship between you and my DH. By the way she lives in Sweden but was in Spain at the same time as my DH. Basically do you think I have fuelled a fire that needed to start burning?

Snuppeline Thu 21-Jul-11 12:08:53

Hm, if there was an attraction there which had yet to be done anything about then perhaps you stopped the flames but if something really happened between the two (i.e. your dh having an affair) than you may have helped him cover his tracks (he know's your suspicious and have now hid his phone, tries harder at home etc).

Unless he tells you what's happening then you can't really know for sure. My advice would therefore be to try to get couples councelling to bring you closer.

Why are you not coming to London? I would have thought that it would be natural for a husband and wife to socialise together. Perhaps you should surprise him with a babysitter and tell him your coming too?

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 12:14:18

It was supposed to be a lads' weekend, only his two single male friends were going so I was not invited. DH told me he was going to try and cheer one of his friends up. I will press for the counselling but under the circumstances for me he needs to cancel London.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 12:18:51

I think he should go to London and you should 'turn up' at the restaurant. If he's with 'Linda' he certainly won't be able to wriggle out of that one!

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 12:21:04

I might do actually as D sometimes has the kids on a Friday. I hope he is not there!

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 12:33:05

Well, there is definately something going on because his behaviour has changed since May. The text message does your wife know you are talking to me so late shows that she has no regard for you or your children.

He is either having an affair with her, or is planning to. Either way it's already an emotional affair.

What do you want to do about that? Do you really need proof?

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 12:41:31

I don't know what to do about it really. Deep down, I don't need the proof but I don't want to turn into an angry shrieking mess either which is why I have not confronted him with what I actually know yet. I am going to talk to him tonight. He needs to cut off all contact and then agree to counselling. At the moment I want the facts before I go mad and throw him out which would affect the DCs. She has just protected the privacy of the wall off her facebook this morning (silly for letting everyone read it) before I sent the message as I had managed to read everything so clearly there is concern that something will be found out and that is how I found out they met in Spain. They became friends the day he came back and she wrote that she had just returned from Spain. How best to tackle it? I am at a loss as to how to do it whilst maintaining a reasonable relationship with him.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes Thu 21-Jul-11 12:50:14

my dh had a fling 2 years ago. We got through it and are happier than we have ever been.
I facebook messages the ow at the time also. It was pleasant and just introduced myself telling her I knew and didn't hate her. It made her see me as a real person and bring things home fer her. She backed off straight away realising there was a family behind this man she was shagging. It also gave me a chance to see how aggressive or serious she was about a relationship with my husband. Fortunately, she was lovely (well as lovely as she could be in those circumstances) and actually went mad with dh for not giving her the full story straight away.
Dh, on the other hand went mad. I didn't tell him he was doing it and he really went off it when he found out. Be prepared!
It was essential for me that she knew who I was and she could see the family she had the possibility of ruining. I understand why you did it and I think it as the right thing to do. Good luck. What are you going to do next? Is infidelity a deal breaker?

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes Thu 21-Jul-11 12:52:53

X posts. Has she replied to your message? I think you have to get it out in the open. Ask him whos xxx and what happened in Spain. Is she in London this weekend? His reaction is important

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 12:54:42

Thanks Blackcoffee. The OW actually seems nice, interesting she looks like me and is same star sign (the things you find out from facebook). She may not have known he had kids or we had been together so long and I just wanted to let her know. Infidelity is not a dealbreaker for me as I understand how difficult relationships can be but I have let him have a lot of freedom in the past to go away with friends which I will not be able to do in the future. Also he lied to which I find difficult. He had the chance to come clean when I first asked him. Had he at that point, I would have found it easier to forgive. He needs to be prepared to work at it for me and that will be the dealbreaker. I am not going to be all forgiveness and light if he is not prepared to join me in working at it.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes Thu 21-Jul-11 12:59:56

You could of been me two years ago. It will all be ok in the long run. Either way you relationship goes. You will know (if that makes sense) and you will be fine. Ask him directly again, if he lies tell him you believe different and give him your reasons for believing different. If he has a go at you for snooping (which he will) tell him it's his dodgy actions that made you distrust. You know him too well

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 13:03:09

It does rather depend on how you feel about the situation. I can understand you wanting to talk to him about it straight away rather than collecting 'evidence'. However, what will you do if he continues to deny it?

You have every right to be a shrieking angry mess - might get through to him that he is risking everything.

Don't ask him, tell him that you know he has been cheating (yes, cheating) on you. Don't accept excuses. Tell him what you want. He must cancel the London trip and go to counselling, if that's what you want.

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 13:03:35

Thanks. I felt awful snooping which is why I did not tell him last time and still do but then I keep telling myself that I only did it because my instincts told me to and they were right. Glad you and DH have made it work, did it take a long time and did counselling help? For me obviously it depends on whether DH wants it to work. I am sure he does or else he wanted to such great lengths to hide it.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes Thu 21-Jul-11 13:24:51

We separated for 6 months. Then slowly started dating and eventually moved in together. We didn't do see an official councillor, my friends mainly did that! But talking with each other and not talking to each other when we were really angry really helped. In the time we were separated, I went on dates. Nothing serious but it made me feel attractive again, I made an effort and it made dh realise what he could loose if he didn't pull his socks up! It also made me realise that if my marriage ended, i would be ok. I had friends and was having fun without dh. Turns out that after months of hell, when dh and I started dating again it was him that I wanted to be with and I was still the one for him. Do what you want. Take this time to do something for yourself. Learn a new skill, loose weight, gain weight, get your hair done. Just do it for yourself.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 13:27:35

Ah, now I see.

infidelity is not a dealbreaker for me

You have a open relationship then? Sorry, I completely misunderstood your post.

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 13:27:50

This is such a good site. I am off to the school now as DS has a show (leaving school this week and Dad planning to go away on his last day - priorities eh!) and I don't want him to lose out because his Dad is a dickhead. Perhaps there is a lot more that we need to discuss than just this affair.

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 13:30:15

Fairenuff we do not have an open relationship and yes I could rationalise an infidelity if it was a one off and over. It is has never happened before (as far as I know) and therefore I have never had to deal with it so never known how to react. Having lived with a man before who was faithful but controlling and abusive, I know which I would prefer so to go to an open relationship is a bit of a funny comment.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes Thu 21-Jul-11 13:32:15

Losing trust, thats it! You are me! Enjoy the concert.

Flippingebay Thu 21-Jul-11 13:44:11

sounds all too familiar.

I'd suggest you keep your eye's open, gut instincts are often right.. I'd never had snooped on my DH, but he'd been acting odd for a while and I checked his phone too, turned out he was having an emotional affair for about 4 months. I'm happy to say we worked it out and we're happier, but I do wish nothing had ever started as it still smarts 18 months down the line.

Before you confront him make sure you get rock solid proof of whats going on or he'll just play the 'we're good friends' card. Thats what my DH did until I gave him the rock solid proof.

If you need to, go to the resturant, check his email, phone, you'd be surprised how silly blokes can be and the odd 'tip bits' left lying around will all add up.

You can confront him in a sensible, adult, way without the shouting. What did it for me was the way my DH reacted when I confronted him. He never once said it was 'my fault' or blamed anyone but himself, if he hadn't reacted in the way he did then I wouldn't have wanted to make it work. It will tell you a lot about how he's viewing your relationship as to how he reacts once you've confronted him.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 13:48:11

losingtrust you do not have the chose between 'cheating man' or 'controlling and abusive man'. You are worth more than that.

If you 'allow' cheating in your relationship are you really surprised that it happened.

The fact that he went 'to great lengths to hide it' does not mean that he will be faithful in the future.

In fact, how did he 'go to great lengths' to hide it? You became suspicious pretty much straight away. All he did was lie about it.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes Thu 21-Jul-11 13:50:17

absolutely Flip. DH's reaction to his infidelity was his only saving grace in trying again. OP needs to see her husbands reaction.

losingtrust Fri 22-Jul-11 06:27:50

I comfronted H last night. He was not going to admit anything until I told him I knew based on the messages on his phone. He was meeting her but would not give me any details and showed no remorse, basically he had met somebody he had a connection with and told me he lost the connection with me five years ago. He had been moving in a different direction to me and the kids. An example was I would not hold his hands at my mom's funeral. So angry with him now that he has blaimed me for everything. The fact he never took an interest in the DCs activities and preferred to go and see his bands or keep his season ticket at the football and get pissed with his mates has caused a distance from him and the kids. He left last night, 'needed to clear his head'. Would not commit to making the marriage work after all this years or getting counselling. My DCs were kept out of it but DS (11) refused to say goodbye when he left and DD (7) asked him when he was going so she could carry on watching the TV. I see why he feels uncomfortable around his DCs but as far as I can see that is his fault not getting involved in their lives and not me. He blaims me for having them baptised and probably even for BF them as babies. I feel such a fool for even thinking it could work and now am just feeling really cold towards him. He did not even apologise. I don't want the marriage to continue now after all the years I have held everything together, bringing more money into the household, all the cooking all the cleaning, having sex with him at least two to three times a week, when he thought so little of me. I feel completely and utterly used!

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 22-Jul-11 08:57:01

So sorry it has ended like this. Remember the affair is all about him and his issues and that he chose to behave like this.

worldgonecrazy Fri 22-Jul-11 09:09:09

I like love Blackcoffeeandcigarettes post about boosting self-esteem, making an effort to let the other person know exactly what they risk losing, and also knowing that you will be okay if your marriage ends. I worry too many women hang on to useless marriages because they fear failure, or fear being alone, or think they cannot make it on their own, or sometimes because they don't want to have wasted the 'investment' of so many years of their lives.

Losingtrust's OH has behaved appalingly but now it is in the open. I hope you can find the strength to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get out there and start living, not wasting another second of your life on this man who has been using you for the last five years. It's not nice to know you've been used, but unfortunately that is exactly what he has been doing.

Divert that anger and use it to rebuild your life for you and your children.

WriterofDreams Fri 22-Jul-11 09:18:35

Oh I'm so sorry it worked out like that OP. You are right to be angry and to consider the relationship over - he has shown total disrespect for you. I don't think you should feel like a fool though. You are a good, strong person who did her best give her family the best life possible. You did the right thing and if you had had a good partner then it would have been perfect. But unfortunately very little in life is perfect.

How are you feeling?

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