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(50 Posts)
thesunshinesbrightly Thu 21-Jul-11 00:35:27

Help, he's breaking me... he said he will go see a counseller! what do i do??

FriggFRIGG Thu 21-Jul-11 00:39:02

until anyfucker gets here....back away from the phone,email,anything.No Contact.

WAIT for anyfucker.....

id try to help more,but i dont know your back story!! grin

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 21-Jul-11 00:48:01

Phew thanks... where is she? she's always here!!!

Long story...basically my ex is posessive,jealous and controlling we split up a few days ago but i'm feeling sorry for him, need AF to knock some sense into me!

kayah Thu 21-Jul-11 01:00:34

Why do you feel sorry for someone who is hurting you?

what would you say to your best friend or your sister if she was in your shoues?

yellowraincoat Thu 21-Jul-11 01:15:23

Hey, don't know your story, but hold back! I'm guessing your ex is not good for you. You need to take time to think.

Imagine a world where he went to counselling and everything was fine. It's all well and good. If he is that person, the person you want him to be, he will be fine with waiting for you to decide.

So for now, put the phone away, make yourself a cup of hot choc and chill out. The world will not end if you don't speak to him tonight, tomorrow, or next month. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing of all.

SingOut Thu 21-Jul-11 01:17:39

I wrote an impressively pithy, blunt AnyFucker-style post and MN lost it. Tch!
Meantime, is this any help?

Hold fast, dude.

reelingintheyears Thu 21-Jul-11 01:30:19

She's not always here....

I guess she goes to sleep sometimes.

HairExtensions Thu 21-Jul-11 01:59:53

I wrote you quite a long reply but its gone. Bloody mumsnet. Bloody phone.

Anyway the short version

Don't do it. If he attends counselling all well and good. But even counselling might not change him. My ex is banging on about going to counselling and doing this, that and the other to 'save' our relationship. But he won't. It's just talk to get what he wants. And I suspect yours is the same. Just get rid. Esp if you don't have DC together. Then you can have no contact whatsoever. I wish I could.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 21-Jul-11 09:29:10

Also: counseling, IF it is to have ANY effect on him, will only work if he does it while the two of you are separated. (this is the expert opinion of counselors specialised in trying to rehabilitate controlling men, such as Lundy Bancroft).

So HOLD TIGHT. Maintain the "no contact" position. If he is really serious about wanting to change, he will do it without using it as bribery for you to stay with him in the interim.

BertieBotts Thu 21-Jul-11 09:30:37

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book yet? READ IT!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 21-Jul-11 09:31:22

In the absence of AF's pithiness, I also recommend you read every word of this very funny and incisive blog.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 21-Jul-11 09:34:32

Well, if he hasn't even seen one yet, and it will take more than one session to change his whole outlook on life (realistically it will take months if not years), one "I'm going to get counselling" isn't worth much in the scheme of things is it? I'm going to fly to the moon. Will you lend me a million for the rocket fare?

BertieBotts Thu 21-Jul-11 09:38:25

And yes I agree with the others. Stalling tactics. Stall him if you aren't strong enough to cut contact (though I would strongly advise you to cut contact - give your phone to a friend or something. Get someone to screen your emails from him.)

Above all, stall YOURSELF. He wants to push you to make a fast decision because he's afraid if you have time to think, you'll run away. Someone who really cared would want you to be sure, they would give you time to think. So care about yourself, give yourself time to think, to really soul-search, to make sure of what you want.

(And finally, I believe St Lundy of Bancroft in fact says that non-specialist counselling for abusive men is likely to do more harm than good, because it legitamises all their excuses and makes them feel their actions are justified)

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 21-Jul-11 09:43:38

Controlling men are very rarely motivated to change, and it is even more rare that they succeed.

Staying with him while he goes to counseling removes the only sliver of motivation to change that he has, since he still gets to keep what he wants (you).

Also, it is a sad reality that counseling often teaches controlling and abusive men new ways to dress up their abuse, and to twist it to be not their fault / your fault.

Just stay the fuck away. If he is really serious about changing, he will do it alone. And then in two years or whatever you can meet him again and judge whether he is now an acceptable life partner. Yes, it will take at least that long. No, you shouldn't stay with him during that time as a "reward" for his effort. You are a human being in your own right, deserving of an enriching relationship. You are not a prize for good behaviour.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 21-Jul-11 09:48:09

Right, listen up

Anniegetyourgun Thu 21-Jul-11 09:48:42

Good link, Puppy. The 7th April entry is particularly relevant in this context.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 21-Jul-11 09:49:55

(the blog that is, not the "right, listen up" thread)

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 21-Jul-11 10:07:08

Correct, Annie. Also the March 13th one

Snorbs Thu 21-Jul-11 10:35:33

What do you do? Nothing. All you've had so far is words. He's said he's going to see a counsellor.

a) That doesn't guarantee he actually will go and see a counsellor.
b) Even if he does see a counsellor, that doesn't guarantee that it's going to be any time soon.
c) Even if he does see a counsellor soon, that doesn't guarantee that he will go more than once.
d) Even if he goes a few times, that doesn't guarantee he will be honest about the situation and his own flaws.
e) Even if he is honest, that doesn't guarantee he will listen to the counsellor's advice.
f) Even if he listens to the counsellor, that doesn't guarantee he will change.
g) Even if he does change, that doesn't guarantee he will change in a way that you will find acceptable.

If he's asking you to take him back now on the promise of what he might do in the future, then that's a very risky proposition.

Has his behaviour so far shown him to be honest and truthful to you? Has his conduct over the years you've known him been such that you can safely rely on his promises? Or is it more likely that he's made loads of promises to change in the past but blown every single one of them? If so, what makes this time different?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. Indeed, sometimes the best option is to decide not to make any decisions right now.

RabbitPie Thu 21-Jul-11 11:18:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 21-Jul-11 12:37:00

Bertie - would of shouted for you too but AnyFucker is blunt and smacks ya right in the face when you need it wink.

Going back up now too read thread just wanted to say a quick thank you for all of your replies.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 12:45:30

sunshine I know a little of your back story and am so pleased that you left him. You did the right thing.

he said he will go see a counseller

So? What's that got to do with you?

Absolutely nothing. Nothing he does in his life with have anything to do with you anymore.

You have moved on.

He won't change. He's just saying it to manipulate you. You KNOW that.

Btw how do you know what he said? Are you answering the phone to him? Reading his texts?

Change your number. Stay strong.

TeachMySelfBalance Thu 21-Jul-11 12:57:27

Tell him this:
"Good for you. I hope it will help you in your next relationship."


Emotional disconnect.
You have moved on. You are not connected to him anymore and it is up to you who you choose to be connected to, not him.

AnyF Thu 21-Jul-11 13:10:21

< pokes head in >

I see business is being taken care of here.

Sunshine, I don't have add anything to add, and my usual punchiness is limited somewhat at the moment. (hence the truncated user name)

Read your replies carefully.

You are still in contact then ? That is a mistake. Every little way you respond to him, gives him a gap to exploit (just like he has done every time before).

Relationship counselling is not recommended for abusive and controlling men. They find ways and learn new tricks to turn back what you say in the sessions on you. It's like sending a teenage thief to big prison.

The only counselling needed here is for you, to find out why you keep falling for the cheap and pretty words of a man who wishes to destroy you.

Btw, did you delete your latest thread? I looked for it to remind myself which particular controlling man we were talking about here, and it was gone. You got a lot of great advice on that thread and nothing here is changed, as far as I am concerned.

He said what he thinks you want him to say, and expects to go back to before. He won't follow through, of course. And you will have lost even more ground, for swallowing the lies again.

Stay firm. No contact. No empty promises. No nothing.

AnyF Thu 21-Jul-11 13:11:03

oops, I did type a lot to say I wasn't adding anything blush

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