Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what to do?

(16 Posts)
burntonion Wed 20-Jul-11 19:30:45

I can't see clearly what to do and am going round and round.
Have been with partner for 12 years. Two children one almost 6, one 2.
Things not great since children but really not bad and I put a lot down to tiredness (we both work) and adjusting to a big change. One problem was that he never seemed to have much money despite payrises and I felt I was doing everything - house, children, work etc.
I lost sex drive along the way.
Aaaanyway - just after Easter partner started series of revelations.
First, he said that for about a year, ending in Feb, he had been visiting prostitutes. Gave all sorts of reasons for this. Of course I blamed myself for lack of sex drive.
Then he told me he had taken out a 5 year loan to fund this.
Then he told me in fact he had seen prostitutes when in his early 20s (years before we met).
Then he said he had funded this through credit card debt.
Finally, he said that he still had this credit card debt and had been paying interest on it all through our relationship. That, and new loan, why no money ever. Think I have the whole story now.
Simply cannot decide whether it's all over or whether there is a point in trying. Feel so out of touch with my feelings, can't really work out how I feel about him. He is relieved to have told me and says he will be a different person in future. Says he loves me. Children love him and he them.
What to do? many thanks to all who reply

RabbitPie Wed 20-Jul-11 19:37:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RabbitPie Wed 20-Jul-11 20:08:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Jul-11 22:31:14


deal breaker

totally and utterly

I am so sorry

buzzsore Wed 20-Jul-11 22:41:33

I don't think you'll ever be able to trust a word he says again sad. He's lied to you throughout your relationship, he has cheated on you for at least a year but probably throughout your relationship and he has kept you and your children poor because of his proclivities.

Now you know, he feels all better, isn't that nice for him?

I think you could do with someone supportive to talk to, and counselling might be a good idea. It must be a hell of shock to you. I recommend he goes to stay with a friend or family while you get your head together and decide what you want, without pressure from him.

burntonion Thu 21-Jul-11 10:46:45

Thanks to you all.
When I saw it written down - well it just looked terrible and I wondered why I was even asking.
But it's difficult when you still have a lot of ties and affection for someone and you feel as though you know them well, on some level.
We're having the school holiday apart and I think that will help a lot.
I went to one counselling session when I only knew half of it and felt a lot worse afterwards. Not minded to try that again.
But my Mum and Sister have been great. What I've really wanted, childishly, is someone to tell me what to do and, of course, they don't and it probably wouldn't be the answer if they did.
Really appreciate your replies - I know all this really - it's just believing it and taking it on board.
Big thank you.

RabbitPie Thu 21-Jul-11 11:22:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lalalonglegs Thu 21-Jul-11 11:30:46

Why do you think he suddenly told you? Did you have suspicions or was it a spontaneous revelation?

burntonion Thu 21-Jul-11 11:56:37

Had dreadful Easter when he behaved badly with my family - almost some manner of breakdown.
After which, as I have many times, I needled him about money. Then the first bit came out. Think his initial plan was just to tell that bit but it did all come out in dribs and drabs. Think he was just really weighed down by it and very, very down and needed to tell me. A bit anyway.
When is there ever supposed to be the time to process this kind of thing??
If I were in my 20s, or even early 30s, I'd be able to obssess in my spare time. But now - have to obssess as part of a multitask - grrrr

inatrance Thu 21-Jul-11 12:05:09

Oh my god burntonion how awful you must be reeling! sad

I honestly don't see how you could continue in a relationship after finding out that. For me that would be it, without a doubt. I could never let a man touch me again if I knew he had done that.

That's not counting the money stuff. Gather yourself and get over the shock, OP then tell him to pack his bags and gtfo.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 12:14:01

Oh no, burntonion I feel physically sick on your behalf!

Get yourself a good solicitor so that you don't get landed with his debts.

Do not, for one minute, take ANY of the blame yourself. He is TOTALLY responsible for breaking up your family, putting your health in danger, getting into debt. ALL HIS FAULT!

Don't even question 'why'. His choice - his consequences. Glad you have some RL support to help you through this.

ImperialBlether Thu 21-Jul-11 12:44:36

What a horrible situation. Thank god you're not married and in any way liable for his debts.

Please get your mum or sister to go with you for a full check up. I'm sure you'll be OK but you will feel much better knowing that.

You can't possibly have a relationship with him now, can you? Who owns your home? You say you are working. Have you been onto Entitled To online to see what you could get if you lived apart? Have you been onto the CSA website, too?

There is nothing worse than dealing with only half the information and no wonder your counselling session went badly. It might be a good idea now for you to see a counsellor on your own, to process what's happened to you.

Will your partner leave willingly? Does he have someone he could stay with?

I know what you mean about if you were younger you would have time to think about all this. It's very different when you have young children, but the advantage is that actually you don't have time to dwell on things as much, and they give you the affection and love you need right now.

ImperialBlether Thu 21-Jul-11 12:45:14

Fairenuff, surely her name can't be on those debts? She doesn't know about them and isn't married to him.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 13:23:22

I don't know Imperial which is why I think she should see a solicitor, or get further advice from CAB, or as you suggested, online. I think if you're not married it depends whose name the accounts are in. If all the money is in separate names, should be OK.

burntonion Thu 21-Jul-11 14:15:58

Financial and stuff side of things not too bad. Am lawyer (add face of your choice) and earn more. Have paid off the debts - did that immediately as I couldn't bear thought of any more interest accruing when that money should be being set aside for the children and yes, he will move out.
It's the emotional side and the having to make choices I never thought I'd have to make that I can't get a grip of. All the hurt seems so unnecessary. And separating and being happy together in the future seem equally weird.
Helpful what you said about small people usefully taking up brooding time, IB.
All you guys have been great.

Fairenuff Thu 21-Jul-11 14:29:43

You paid off HIS debts for his prostitutes? shock

You don't have to make all your choices right now. Give yourself some time. He will move out and you will take it one step at a time. Keep reminding yourself that this was not your choice. He made the decision when he cheated on you over and over again.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: