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Advice om dealing with coming out fall out required

(4 Posts)
Eutectic Wed 20-Jul-11 18:10:51


I’m not a mother myself, but I am looking for some advice from those that are. Maybe you’ve been on the other side of the situation I’m about to describe.

I’m female and I have recently left university where I met my best friend who is a girl two years below me. About a year ago we became much closer and started seeing each other. It came as a bit of a shock to both of us as neither of us had been involved with another woman before.

I told my Mum about her at Christmas and my Dad at Easter. Both have been incredibly supportive. Only my Dad showed signs of being a bit uncomfortable with it, but he has kept his mouth shut and now just tells me more often how much he loves me.

One year on, I’ve fallen head over heels for her. I’m happier than I have ever been and can’t wait for her to start her new job in the same city as me (as opposed to being 2 hours away).

Her story is not so happy. Her mother had been very suspicious of our relationship. On a number of occasions she started asking leading questions to which my gf always avoided answering. At around the same time I told my Mum, presumably egged on by my success, gf tried to be honest with her mother about me. Her mum reacted very badly, lots of tears and shouting. Gf did some very rapid backpedalling, saying the situation was all hypothetical, and the conversation wasn’t brought up again. But she could no longer face talking about me at home and I haven’t been to visit her home. Her mother is still very suspicious and confronted gf’s brother in an attempt to find out. He sided with his sister and didn’t tell her anything (although he knows and is very supportive).

Gf finally told her mother unambiguously about a fortnight ago and had an even worse reaction than before. I don’t know the full details because she is too upset to talk about it. But the general gist I get is that her mother will never be happy for as long as we are together. I feel like she is trying to emotionally blackmail her daughter into breaking up with me.
I am due to go on a group holiday with a load of our friends and her parents in a few weeks and gf is scared about upsetting her mum so is dithering about whether I should even go.

Since I’ve had such a positive experience with my parents, I am finding it hard to fully understand what she is going through. I am so cross with her mother for not being more understanding. What would be the most supportive thing for me to do? I don’t want to make the situation worse. I am terrified of losing her but I know that blood is thicker than water.

I’m sorry this is all a bit vague, but any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks x

TDada Thu 21-Jul-11 04:24:57

Sorry to hear that they are being so narrow minded. I think you should just stay calm and not apply too much supportive and listen to not start appearing need ton be show confidence at this time. Best wishes

crazygracieuk Thu 21-Jul-11 12:18:58

The other mum might need some time to come to terms with her daughter's sexuality. I can understand that she is not happy as when asked outright, her daughter said that she wasn't gay and now she's saying she is. Maybe she imagined her daughter leading a stereotypically heterosexual lifestyle-husband, wedding, children etc and doesn't realise that her daughter can have all that if she chooses. Homosexuality was illegal until relatively recently so some people may take time to adjust their thinking.

I'm sorry to hear that she is not as accepting as your parents. You mention that her parents are going on holiday too. Is her Dad supportive?

losingtrust Thu 21-Jul-11 12:26:50

Eutectic My sister had exactly the same response from my mom which shocked both of us really as she had many gay friends. I tried to talk it through with her on behalf of my sister and she did need time. Her concerns were that my sister would be unhappy as she did not live a normal life and the other woman may be using her and was older. In the end, it took about 6 months for her to be comfortable and we all attended the civil partnership two years ago and she loved my sister's partner at the end and she was there when my mom passed away in February. My advice would be to give her time and ask one of your gf's siblings to get involved if possible.

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