Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Tell me what you think of this?

(15 Posts)
offwegoagain Wed 20-Jul-11 17:55:17

On holiday with H and dc and his parents. A few things happened that quite upset me but he thinks I am being unreasonable.

On the fourth day I hurt myself quite badly, have come back and have whiplash and a ripped shoulder muscle. It was very painful. Neither he or his parents were at all concerned about it and in fact acted like I was making a massive, attention seeking fuss, were very obstructive about me going to the doctors as it would be a PITA where we were on holiday. I don't speak the language there, not familiar with local structures etc, his parents are though. In the end I didnt go but was in an awful lot of pain.

Another family member came to visit while we were there and I was chatty to her with no issues, liked her etc. Towards the end of the visit I became engrossed in a game with dc, they were all talking and it all seemed fine. After she left, he shouted at me in front of his parents and said I had been extremely rude to this family member and embarassed him. I just wasnt and dont believe I did. He was aggressive and unpleasant and again his parents said nothing.

Finally on the last day I, in passing said that I wanted to pick up some sweets for ds's classmates, cue massive rant, again in front of his parents about there not being room in the suitcase and "you neednt fucking think I am going to be carrying all your carrier bags and lugging all that extra weight about!" He also had a big moan about my washbag and what the a PITA it was to pack, too bulky apparently, in the end I said "oh be quiet" at which he started shouting about how I had had my holiday out of him (he paid, I dont work am SAHM) and now was back to my usual ungrateful self, all again in front of his parents, again they said nothing. In the end he went out with his parents on the last night got extremely drunk and I did all the packing, all the organisation and there were no carrier bags and no problems, as usual as I am very organised.

I feel as though I was bullied from beginning to end of the holiday and he treated me like c*ap basically. We have had issues in the past but I have never felt to uncared for and bullied in my life, this from someone who was bullied for years at school. When I told him how much the paying for the holiday comment upset me he told me I shouldnt have told him to "be quiet" in front of his parents. I really despise them too for not intervening as if any of my dc behaved like that to a guest I would really be unhappy about it and say so.

I want to end this relationship. I think he is a bully and I saw his real true colours while we were away. Lots more has gone on before but not quite as sustained as this.

Sorry for the length.

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Jul-11 18:01:26

He sounds completely vile and I wouldn't want to be married to him.

Was there not even a sympathetic look from your MIL?

Are they from a different culture?

offwegoagain Wed 20-Jul-11 18:04:58

No, they are not. Thanks for replying.

My MIL told me that I argue back too much and I have to learn to let it wash over me.

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Jul-11 18:13:44

Can you tell us anything nice about him - but please don't include "he's a great dad" as clearly anyone who speaks to the child's mum like that just isn't a good father.

caramelwaffle Wed 20-Jul-11 18:16:54

He sounds like a bully.

His parents are supportive of a bully.

The fact that you had a pleasant conversation with a different family member and they waited until she left to bully you showed:

A. You are nice and sane.

B. They do not want you to appear sane and need you "put in your place".

offwegoagain Wed 20-Jul-11 18:17:07

He is generous. However being "grateful" for his generosity means never questioning him or arguing with him about anything ever. If you do you are a money grabber.

He did actually used to be a great Dad but has in the last 6 months or so stopped making so much effort and is a lot less patient.

Cant really think of much else sadly.

NoWayNoHow Wed 20-Jul-11 18:19:43

Sounds like it's cheerio time! I am shock at the way he spoke to you in front of his parents (my parents would tear strips off me if I spoke like that to DH), but what concerns me more than your ILs lack of intervention is whether this shouting and bullying took place in front of your DCs? How old are they?

PhilipJFry Wed 20-Jul-11 18:21:10

I bet you don't argue back too much, you just stand up for yourself- you shouldn't have to compromise on that front.

And it's completely hypocritical of him to say that you shouldn't have told him to be quiet in front of his parents when he's allowed to shout at you and accuse you of all sorts of unpleasant things while they are right there watching. That sounds absolutely humiliating.

He sounds like a prick, he let you remain in physical pain, he accuses you of all sorts of things, he has a go at you in front of his parents and he let you do all the work while he went and got drunk. All these insults thrown in your direction...his perception of you is warped.

offwegoagain Wed 20-Jul-11 18:24:54

"He sounds like a prick, he let you remain in physical pain, he accuses you of all sorts of things, he has a go at you in front of his parents and he let you do all the work while he went and got drunk. All these insults thrown in your direction...his perception of you is warped."

I think that just about sums it all up. It is actually quite helpful to see it written down like that. God what an arse he is.

psiloveyou Wed 20-Jul-11 18:26:15

Has he always been so horrible to you?. You say he was a great dad until about 6 months ago. Could something be going on in his life that is making him depressed .

tallwivglasses Wed 20-Jul-11 18:30:38

Thank God you want to leave and are not asking for advice on how to put up with/change this nasty man.

Good luck x

offwegoagain Wed 20-Jul-11 18:41:01

I think I just needed some outside confirmation that he was being a twat and maybe an explanation for it. Some ideas on how to process it. I have been feeling bad for a long time now and cant see myself every being in a relationship again after this one. I don't actually understand how someone can tell you they love you so much but not seem to like you AT ALL. I don't think he would have let our DOG be in pain without taking him to see someone or at least making me do it.

SingOut Wed 20-Jul-11 18:50:36

Oh, love. It is so difficult to process behaviour like his, especially when you're still in the middle of the situation at the moment. A few things I'd say:
1) Don't attempt to understand why he does what he does before you can leave him. You may never be able to understand or get your head around his treatment of you.
2) Don't wait for his permission to leave, or his acknowledgement that he has done anything wrong. In all likelihood, that acknowledgement will never come. Just get out while you can, before he destroys your self esteem to the extent that you are immobile emotionally and unable to act.

And of course keep posting here smile

Theyremybiscuits Wed 20-Jul-11 18:52:40

OP sweetheart you need to be away from this idiot.

As someone who has survived an emotionally abusive relationship and left, taking the kids away from him, I cannot tell you how peaceful and pleasant life is now.

No walking on eggshells, no feeling sick when his car came up the drive etc.
Long silences - days sometimes 'there's nothing to say' - I think its called stonewalling.

Free yourself - it will be the best day of your life.

I'm not saying it is all easy now - however I do notice that if there are any blips or unpleasantness, it's usuallu because he is involved.

Take care and do whats best for you. x

TDada Wed 20-Jul-11 19:04:11

He is controlling and bullying......and the fact that ILs watch on, tells you something about his upbringing, sadly.

Warm wishes

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: