I first found out about my OH's infidelity when I was a few months pregnant. That was a year ago. He was contrite, distraught, and broke off with her immediately. (It was purely sexual). Then he had an affair with an old friend of his - I kept discovering texts and emails, he would swear every time that he would break up with her, that I was his first priority etc. Finally, he stopped it, and swore on our baby's life that he would not see her again. It finally stopped.
Now I find he has been planning an affair again. It didn't get anywhere because I discoverered it in the early stages, and I called the woman and explained that I had given him an ultimatum. She praised me for my dignity (oh the satisfaction of making that call!) and he managed to talk me out of walking out, with the baby. I was ready to leave and he now understands that I will go if it ever happens again.
Of course it will happen again.
What can I do to prevent it?
He is adamant that I am the one he wants to be with. He simply doesn't seem to be able to resist taking an easy opportunity when it arises. I have suggested that if I am not enough for him, why does he want to be in a relationship with me? He says his life will be over without me.
I have had a bit of counselling which has helped me to be more robust in myself and to devise some ways to rebuild my self-esteem. Very helpful.
Is it possible for a relationship to recover after this much broken trust?
I want our DD to have a sibling. He is and will be an exceptional father. I told him I will stay with him for DD's sake and he must try to earn my trust.
Is it possible to have a decent relationship without trust? I am seriously considering that it must be possible. We get on so well, we complement each other's strengths, we have good emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.
I am experiencing the extreme raw emotions of anger and hurt, also loneliness and failure, as you would expect. I really want to rebuild this, and he says he does too. But I have heard it before from him, and he has deceived me consistently.
I don't want to be told to leave him. I would like advice on how to make it work, and what to do to encourage him to take some responsibility for making me trust him again. Thanks for your help and gentleness.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can we recover from this?
ItAllHappensAtOnce · 20/07/2011 15:44
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