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I feel used.....

(116 Posts)
Actanonverba Wed 20-Jul-11 03:32:57

I feel used, betrayed and resentful. Brief background information. Met my current ‘Partner’ in 2003 whilst working in Morocco. He couldn’t get a visa to visit me here so I felt as though I had no choice than to, either end the relationship or marry him. I took the second option. The moment he arrived here he seemed like a different person although we had been ‘together’ for 4 years.
After being here 3 weeks he told me he had ‘relatives’ he wanted to visit on the South coast. I had work commitments which he knew about but was adamant he had to go on this particular day and ended up going by train. Fast forward to Sunday evening when I received a phone call telling me to pick him up! Explained it was a 200 mile round trip and I couldn’t do it. Had a few words about it, ending with me telling him to stay with his cousins.
I spoke to him a few days later when I got the impression that all he was bothered about was coming back because of his ‘visa’ conditions. This led to a heated argument and I ended the call and took legal advice. If I am completely truthful I have always had doubts as to the ‘real’ reason he wanted to marry me.
Fast forward a few months, I have applied for a Nullity of marriage and we had a hearing date which the Judge decided to hear in full on the actual day and granted me my decree. This was not before his solicitor trying (on his behalf) to claim halve my assets, which thankfully was dismissed.
No contact with him till a year later when a phone call leads us to meet up. We started a relationship again when I made it clear I wanted the complete truth on everything. I feel there have been numerous things he has hidden or lied about. He gave his word this would happen. Obviously it didn’t! A month or so later I found emails to various females claiming his love and devotion to them!
When I challenged him he said he was just ‘using’ the other women. WTF???!
This has been the on/off situation for the last few years until the most recent ‘episode’. I asked him to stay with his friend (male) for a couple of days as we had been arguing a lot and I had important exams coming up. He agreed and we spoke each day on the phone and agreed to meet up later in the week when he would come home with me. Fast forward to the arranged day and I meet him to find his neck covered in love bites.............
Obviously hit the roof. Turns out he had been forging a ‘friendship’ with a woman he met through work and had been staying with her. Furthermore they (him and her) had agreed to marry and had even been so far to see a solicitor as obviously he is still subject to immigration rules. He did have the courtesy to tell me he didn’t love her but needed to ‘secure’ his positon in the UK!
He took great delight in telling me the explicit details of their time together and how I should be grateful he has chosen to be with me?
He doesn’t contribute anything financially, sits playing computer games for 12 hours a day, never lifts a finger round the house unless I ask and generally makes me feel like shit.
I don’t trust him, I don’t believe anything he says, I still question why he is with me and I need this to end right now. How do I get final closure? My life has moved on so much and my future definitely doesn’t include him. Why do I still feel so hurt?
This is a very shortened version of events but it gives the general picture.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 20-Jul-11 03:45:32

He's still living with you? Er. Why?

Final closure would be greatly helped by kicking him out, and then, and I do mean this gently, seeking some individual counselling to work out why you thought it was appropriate to put up with such explicitly contemptuous treatment.

moonferret Wed 20-Jul-11 03:53:58

No idea why British women go for African men who want them for a passport and an easier life. Maybe because they are such skilled charmers... No idea why women get back together with such men when they finally wake up and smell the coffee. No idea why you're still living with him..

Actually no idea what the point of the post is, just to get opinions on how bizarre it all sounds?

Actanonverba Wed 20-Jul-11 04:24:18

I suppose I am seeking reassurance that I am not completely insane and as you so eloquently put it, I've finally woken up and smelt the coffee!

Sorry you dont see the point of the post and thank you Tortoise for your excellent suggestion which is exactly what I have already started. Maybe it is the counselling that has made me see things in a different light?

I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and prove he was 'different' to all the rest North African visa searching men, he isn't !

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 20-Jul-11 04:39:58

I don't think we need to get into racial generalisations, it's not really the point.

What staggers me is that you got the marriage nullified and then went back, and that he's now telling you the explicit details of his sexual relationships and he's still living with you! What steps are you taking to kick him out, Actan?

moonferret Wed 20-Jul-11 04:46:40

It's not a "racial generalisation", but a geographical observation. It is a fact that many people from certain areas of the world (and Africa is one) see forming relationships with people from countries such as the UK as a route into those countries.

The OP seems to realise that quite readily...

Actanonverba Wed 20-Jul-11 05:52:00

I haven't taken any steps to kick him out, yet.

I was hoping he would repay me some of the money he owes me but he 'lost' his last wage packet containing £500 so doubt I will. Do I believe he lost it? Absolutely, completely not!

Off to work now, action later!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 20-Jul-11 05:54:30

But it's completely irrelevant to the current course of action, moonferret. Irrespective of the nationalities involved, and indeed of the VISA issue (which seems to be moot anyway, if the marriage was nullified), the actual issue is that Acta is living with a horrible man who is taking advantage of her financially, domestically and no doubt sexually. And it needs to stop today.

Acta, good luck with the action. It needs to happen. And incidentally, if you've been sleeping with him, you'll need an STD test.

Actanonverba Wed 20-Jul-11 05:59:17

Thank you Tortoise. There hasn't been any sexual activity (not with me anyway) in quite a while and I was recently checked for peace of mind, thankfully all clear.

You have given me the courage and determination to do what I should have done months (if not years) ago!

savoycabbage Wed 20-Jul-11 06:06:59

He is not going to give you any money. It's not going to happen. He is a loser and he is using you. He used you to get into the country and now he is using you for somewhere to stay.

You do not deserve to be treated like this. You have got rid of him before so you know you can do it.

He must be quite the charmer or he wouldn't have been able to get you to take him back, already knowing he's an idiot, nor would he have been able to get the other poor woman to agree to his plans.

Get rid of him NOW. Don't feel sorry for him. He'll be fine by the sounds of things! Just get him out of your life and move on.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Wed 20-Jul-11 06:07:40

Sorry another one to wonder why on earth you went back to him?

Why are you trying so hard to prove he is a good man to who are you trying to prove it?

Finallygotaroundtoit Wed 20-Jul-11 06:34:33

You are not married to him.

Why is he in your house? Why are you talking to him? confused

If you write 'mat' on your back and lie on the floor, someone will walk all over you.

Proudnscary Wed 20-Jul-11 06:51:41

Err, tell him to FUCK OFF

What in the wild world of lunacy are you waiting for?

Strange

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 20-Jul-11 07:13:03

I suppose it's understandable. Perhaps some part of her wants to believe that he loves her. Otherwise - he never loved her - he used her for a visa - he's STILL using her and she's letting him...

That's the sort of thing that can lead you to turn on yourself. (Wrongly. very wrongly but people do do it. Someone shits all over you and you turn on yourself sad - what's wrong with you? Are you unloveable? are you a mug? what made him pick you to use like that? etc etc. It's awful because the blame isn't with you, but so many women do do it)

So I suppose trying desperately to find some love or to fool yourself that it's actually a relationship, is a form of self protection. It means that you don't have to truly face up to the fact that you were never loved by him and all he wanted was your money and you were just a means to an end.

An even harder thing to accept if he is still doing it. Still in the house and STILL leeching off you.

So I think I understand why the OP still has him here and is still, well, basically paying him to be in her life really. Because the alternative is to know that you've been totally used and he never loved you, and to look at yourself and see what's wrong with you that you let that happen - I mean in terms of confidence, need to be loved, etc etc. Not something 'wrong' with you, iyswim. Wrong with you is the wrong way to put it. I can't think of the right term. Maybe what was missing from your life that someone was able to come into it, throw some pale imitation of love your way and reel you in. I think it comes down to a desperate need to be loved. Maybe.

mathanxiety Wed 20-Jul-11 07:19:18

You want to believe that you are somehow special enough that this man will miraculously defy the stereotype and turn out to be the knight in shining armour blah blah. Stop it now. I don't man this unkindly, but you are not that special. This man is impervious to specialness.

fastweb Wed 20-Jul-11 07:22:01

I was hoping he would repay me some of the money he owes me

That money is gone love.

Don't let lost money be the thing that ties you to him for longer.

Cos you will lose more money, and that loss will be the least of your problems in the longer term.

Don't kick yourself too hard, I have known so many women get caught up in a similar situation, it is very hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in it. Concentrate on your counseling to heal both what allowed this to happen and any hurt incurred since it did.

He needs to leave right now. If he won't go employ the help of friends, solicitor and if needs be police.

But he needs to go. Now.

It is not going to change, there will be no scales falling from his eyes and sudden appreciation of who you are and what you have done for him.

Because he has never and will never see you as a real, live person. In his eyes you are utterly objectified thanks to what you can provide for him, there is no coming back from that. He will never "see" you for who you are and what you deserve in terms of respect and treatment.

Him staying means more of this, more money going, more hurt, more humiliation, more pain. Every single day.

That money is gone, not coming back, him staying means more "expense" of various kinds to follow.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to let this mistake go, because clinging to it in the hope it will transmogrify into something else isn't going to undo anything, just heap more hurt on you.

I'm so sorry love, you are going to be OK, but that process can't start until he is gone, gone, gone.

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 20-Jul-11 07:22:03

So when your marriage was annulled he tried to take half your assets? Is there any risk to your assets by him being in your home?

fastweb Wed 20-Jul-11 07:31:06

Out of interest, were immigrantion (Lunar House ?) not at all interested in the reasons why you anulled the marriage ?

When I was going through the immigration process with my first husband (albeit decades ago) we had to jump through massive hoops to demonstrate it was a real marriage and if I had had cause to go in to report that it turned out I was being used, I think they might have acted on that.

Blindcavesalamander Wed 20-Jul-11 07:32:42

This is a very strange post. It's totally unbelievable that you should want to be with this man at all. Have you had other relationships in the past? I think you taking him back is very similar to women continuing relationships with men who physically abuse them. I agree that you need counselling. You need to get help becuase you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position with a untrustworthy man. I am interested to know whether you have parents? Siblings? Good friends? Are you alone in the world to be so desperate for somebody close to you that you will put up with such a dreadful choice of partner. I feel anyone who cared about you would havebeen very worried for you and given you endless warnings. I think you need to forget men for the moment and concentrate on friendships until you have healed enough and learnt enough about yourself to make better judgements. I hope you manage to finally say goodbye to this man PERMENANTLY.

AnyFucker Wed 20-Jul-11 07:38:53

write the money off

get rid of him, completely, today

I really didn't believe there were women as deluded as this in the world

erm, you don't have any penpal correspondence with prisoners on Death Row, by any chance, do you ? shock

fastweb Wed 20-Jul-11 08:05:14

Is there any risk to your assets by him being in your home?

How living together without marriage impacts your position in terms of division of assets and support

Do not use fear of him retaliating as a shield against making him past rather than present. If you are having a hard time digesting the legal side by yourself, do go to a solicitor. if you can afford this leech, you can afford a short consult to put your mind at rest.

A longer consult with a gameplan to get him out of your home and the relevant authorities notified would be even better. It will save his future victims, women just like you, women who will be heartsick and hurt just like you, women who will lose money just like you.... an awful lot of heartache if immigration is forewarned and forearmed and the next time he tries this he is stymied from the onset thanks to his track record. If you can't do it for you, could you do it for them, the other women he is manipulating and lying to right now ?

Where are your friends love ?

If they have pulled away because of him, would it be within your comfort zone to reach out and reconnect, because believe me some of them will be chomping at the bit to help their friend after having had to pull back from her for the sake of their sanity.

Same goes for family.

Please take action love, hanging on him in your home won't undo the "mistake" aspect. Holding on to it is never going to make you feel better about what happened. It will never reverse time and make things be different.

You can get over and move past a mistake, even emerge stronger and with more appreciation of the person you are with the right sort of help. But first you have to make the mistake a thing of the past, not the present, smirking on your sofa deliberately kicking you and trying to push your head down, because doing so is to his advantage. If he can destroy your self esteem and self respect further it bode well for him getting your co operation and support for as long as he needs it.

What he is doing to you in terms of belittling and wounding is no accident. It is a callous, calculated action in order to knock your defenses out and have you come to rely on him for any small crumbs of comfort, to help you deal with your isolation and your soon to be fully warped sense of worth.

Know that love, know that every time he goes to draw blood sentiment-wise he is doing on purpose to reduce you, so he can get what he wants. You need to get him away from you, for good.

He is an emotional and financial vampire, get yourself some garlic (in the form of a lawyer?), holy water (in the form of firends\family?) and stake the bastard.

SimplySerene Wed 20-Jul-11 08:43:39

Acta, this man is a habitual user of women.

However he justifies it (because you are female, not a Muslim, from the western countries who suppress and disadvantage North Africa, not from his culture, because you are rich compared to him, because you deserve it if you are stupid enough to let him get away with it, because it is the "African" lifestyle) his moral compass does NOT include treating you like a human being.

He never had any real feelings for you whatsoever.

Kick him out immediately and never have contact with him again.

The name for this common cultural phenomenon (in the particular combination of North African men and Northern European women) is "bezness". Google a little and you will probably find support groups for women who have been used for visas, money, sex, housing etc. (You may want to navigate around the support groups for men discussing how best to prey on emotionally vulnerable European women...) If you waver, they will also be able to quote to you the exact same romantic lines and routines your fraudster fed you and which they have heard from their own crooks. You might even find places where you can list his name and details to prevent other women from falling for his lies.

Kick him out!!!

catsmother Wed 20-Jul-11 09:07:54

What everybody else has said. Please get rid - now. This isn't going to get any better and could get a whole lot worse if you allow him to remain any longer in your life, in whatever guise. No-one deserves to be treated like this.

He has also told you that he's planning on marrying someone he doesn't love to "secure his position in the UK". Quite apart from confirming that his marriage to you was only ever a marriage of convenience, he has now confirmed - if you had any doubt left at all - that he wants to stay in the UK by whatever means. What he's proposing is illegal .... I would call immigration and let them know what his plans are so they can take any action they feel appropriate. What happens to him after that isn't your problem.

mouldyironingboard Wed 20-Jul-11 15:40:06

I agree with what has already been said. Tell him to leave today.

Write off the money that he owes you as a bad debt and nothing more. Ask yourself - would he want anything to do with you if you had no money? He's a gold digger. Sad to say, he never cared about you he only wanted a visa and you were seen as a way to get one.

You sound like a kind person who deserves better. Give yourself a chance to meet a man who will appreciate you properly.

Actanonverba Wed 20-Jul-11 16:45:09

Thank you ladies. Some of you have been brutally honest and that is what I needed.
Do I just literally show him the door or give him notice, I am genuinely a nice person and just want to do the decent thing...........
Have just got home from a stressful day at work and the last thing I feel like doing now is causing a storm as I know this is THE END. It is also my daughters birthday so even more reluctant to make waves tonight.

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