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Had an awful night with DP (sudden aggression/intimidation)

(172 Posts)
AFieldOfPaperFlowers Tue 19-Jul-11 22:43:38

Been with DP 3 years, lived together for the past year. He's never been aggressive towards me but has shouted during arguments etc (but don't we all) and I noticed he is an aggressive driver but thats not directed at me. Anyway I have noticed he gets a little more aggressive after a drink but as he doesn't drink much it was never really an issue but for the past few months he's gradually started drinking more and more. Last night he came home with a big crate of lagers that he said were on offer. He opened one as soon as he got home and drank it within 10 mniutes and opened another. He offered to me to help myself but I said it was too early for me and I'd join him with a drink later.

About an hour later I went for a shower and by the time I got out he'd drank 6 cans altogether and his mood had totally changed, he didn't speak to me as I entered the living room or even look at me. I sat down next to him and snuggled upto him as usual. He didn't react or put his arm around me or anything. I asked if he fancied watching a movie with me and he said "who's Dave?" confused so I said "Dave who??" and he snapped "well how many fucking daves are there??" so I sat up and said "do you mean dave from work?" and he said "I dont know, whichever dave keeps texting you". I realised then that he'd been through my phone while I was in the shower and the texts from this dave were all work related apart from one which was regarding a work night out which he'd sent to a few people. I said "He's just someone I work with" so he said "and how often do you see him out of work?" so I said "never" so he shouted in my face "dont fucking lie to me, ive seen the texts". I stood up and went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk (and to get away from him) and he followed me and put his arms at either side of me so I was between him and the work surface and then said again in my face "how often do you see him out of work". I tried to gently move his arm away so I could leave but he wouldn't move and so I said "look, if you just talk to me properly instead of shouting I'll go through it all with you" so he shouted that I couldn't even look him in the eye and so I said that was because he was intimidating me and I wanted to leave the kitchen. He eventually moved but refused to speak to me for the rest of the night whilst repeating "don't think you've got away with it" etc.

I dont know how to deal with this. we've hardly spoken today but that is a side to him I've not seen before and I dont like it sad

HoneyDuke Tue 19-Jul-11 22:46:54

Red flags all over this. Get out!

RabbitPie Tue 19-Jul-11 22:50:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Definitely: get out of this one. This man is dangerous, his behaviour is escalating - the heavy drinking, the spying, the physical intimidation. I bet if you think back, there would have been a few little clues before you moved in together, but they would have been little ones (perhaps 'jokes' about what would happen if you were unfaithful, aggressive driving --- oh hang on, you mentioned that already). Now you are living together, he thinks he doesn't need to play nice any more. One thing to accept immediately - this aggressive, jealous, scary fuckwit is the real DP. The nice man you liked enough to move in with was a mask he put on.

blackeyedsusan Tue 19-Jul-11 22:55:28

you need to seriously consider your options in the cold light of day.

what he has done would be classed as dv, ie blocking you into the kitchen and shouting at you. he has threatened you.. (don't think you are going to get away with this)

check out the womens aid website and consider your options.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 19-Jul-11 22:56:39

he's aggressive

has a drinking problem

intimidates you

violates your privacy (going through your phone)

is jealous and possessive

does not apologise or back down when told how his behaviour makes you feel

issues threats

This isn't going to get better.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jul-11 22:57:05

Oh dear

You should leave him

Do you understand that he is just one tiny step away from hitting you ?

Drink is no excuse

Jemma1111 Tue 19-Jul-11 23:05:00

Stay with him at your peril, this so called relationship is on a slippery slope to a life of hell for you if you don't get out now.

Honestly, you deserve someone who respects you not someone who abuses you.

buzzsore Tue 19-Jul-11 23:05:27

He's allowing himself to drink more and more and revealing more and more of his aggressive side. The drink is likely just an excuse to let out his inner Mr Hyde.

When he's reasonable and sober, tell him he frightened you and ask him to stop drinking. If he dismisses what he did, blames you or minimises it, (as I suspect is likely), he's giving himself permission to do it again and again, and he will.

jasper Tue 19-Jul-11 23:06:21

get out now

pictish Tue 19-Jul-11 23:10:42

What Buzzsore said is exactly right.
I'll bet my last tenner that when you confront him about his frankly VILE behaviour he will either dismiss it as a trifling nothing, or blame you for 'making him' act that way.

If he does, FUCKING RUN!

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jul-11 23:12:09

run anyway

Pigglesworth Tue 19-Jul-11 23:12:13

He's showing his aggression in situations where his inhibitions are lowered - when he's been drinking; when he's hidden inside a car driving amongst anonymous people who he will never see again; when he's really angry; and now that you've lived together for a year, and your life is more heavily entwined with his, and it is harder to break up.

If he didn't have an innate aggressive personality, this aggressive side would not show when his inhibitions were lowered.

Aggressive driving, to me, is a dealbreaker for this reason - it reveals unpleasant personality traits and a disregard for others' safety.

As he grows more comfortable with you/ the relationship and feels less of a need to maintain a "socially acceptable" mask, I expect his aggression towards you will escalate. Especially if the message you give him after this incident is that his behaviour is tolerable/ forgivable.

I would get out now while you're not in danger. That may also teach him that his aggressive behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

LaCidrai Tue 19-Jul-11 23:13:44

was he drinking Stella?

pictish Tue 19-Jul-11 23:14:15

Agreed AF.

FabbyChic Tue 19-Jul-11 23:15:32

Wow, he goes through your phone? he misconstrues messages, and then he bullys and intimidates you, practically threatening violence.

You either need to get this sorted now, or it will become worse at a later date.

pictish Tue 19-Jul-11 23:17:25

LaCidrai what does it matter what he was drinking?

Jemma1111 Tue 19-Jul-11 23:17:41

Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids with this twat, if you did he would also be abusive towards them.

You really should take people's advice and run for the hills and don't look back!!

ImperialBlether Tue 19-Jul-11 23:48:19

I have to agree with everyone else. You need to leave him. Don't tell him you're leaving unless someone else is with you.

IB's bang on there: telling him he's dumped is going to be dangerous. Who owns the house? If it's him, put together your escape plan carefully - have you a friend or relative you could stay with for a bit while you find a new home? If it's you, get either a friend or a relative to come round while you ask him to go (and that means he packs a bag and leaves, and have someone round again when he comes to collect the rest of his belongings) or have a word with the local police DV unit or Women's AId, either of whom will send someone round to be with you while you tell him to leave.

barbiegrows Wed 20-Jul-11 00:45:29

OK so he's jealous of Dave, who you work with. He has misunderstood the work outing as being more than it is. He's done that man thing and gone completely OTT about it. Unfortunately he's chosen to do that while he's drunk. Had he planned to drink or was it just a coincidence? If he had planned to confront you while drunk it was either because he was nervous about it and had needed dutch courage, or he was trying to use alcohol to absolve himself of any responsibility of what he might have done to you. On the other hand, he may genuinely have just read the texts first time that night and has been pissed off and that's the way he expresses himself, as you say, he's aggressive.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him as it could put you in danger if he has a violent tendency. What concerns me in this is your reaction. You reacted the way someone really really scared would react. I'd take this slowly, talk to him while sober and tell him in no uncertain terms that he must trust you and he will never make you scared again. These are two of the most basic elements of a healthy relationship and not much to ask. Keep us posted as to how it goes. If he shows no remorse or guilt about this, you will know where you stand.

pictish Wed 20-Jul-11 09:25:43

It's not even about jealousy though is it? There was nothing in the texts to suggest anything untoward was going on - Dave is a colleague and that's it. No - this is about CONTROL. He is making it quite clear by his actions that the OP is being effectively told that she may not conduct an innocuous friendly relationship with a male colleague.
He pinned her to the worktop and stated his case.

If Dave texts again, what's the bets that the OP deletes the texts for fear of her dp finding them? Why should she have to do that? She's a grown up and who she recieves texts from is not in her dp's jurisdiction whatsoever.

But he thinks it is. And this is how it starts.

ShoutyHamster Wed 20-Jul-11 09:48:03

GET OUT.

Don't start making excuses.

GET OUT.

You can do better. Slippery slope here. Not a nice man. Be thankful you've been given a proper insight here into what life will be like with this character.

MooMooFarm Wed 20-Jul-11 09:55:26

Totally irrelevent what he's been drinking or not. A decent man could drink a barrel and still not be abusive - the tendency is clearly there and the drink just lowers his inhibitions enough for him to show his true colours. The drink isn't the problem - the man is.

Get out while you can, and thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him or have any DC with him.

Florabeebaby Wed 20-Jul-11 10:14:59

You've had your warning...it will just get worse. Go now. No excuse for his behaviour.

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