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The future is looking lonely and sad

(17 Posts)
Elemis Tue 19-Jul-11 09:13:18

I know i am doing the right thing, he is abusive, selfish and nasty. But our life revolves around our son. Not being able to say goodnight to him every night is going to be so hard for dh.
I know I am feeling it more because ds is not here right now and I am emotional, I don't know what to do with myself without him

Someone tell me how much better it's going to be. I'm not wavering, but all I can see now is the emptiness, just me and ds. And dh all alone in a flat.

previous post

keynesian Tue 19-Jul-11 09:34:18

If you expect the future will be lonely, empty and sad then it probably will be...

On the other hand, if you can envisage a future full of the freedoms that allow you to rediscover what you enjoy doing, the pleasure of doing as you please, the fun you and your DS can have together, the happiness of becoming an independent and strong woman - then that is what you will have.

As Henry Ford said "If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right".

buzzsore Tue 19-Jul-11 09:52:19

You're bound to feel sad, worried and doubtful, but you know this was the right decision. You will all move on from this, even if it feels impossible now.

Start making some plans - maybe a holiday or just a trip away, maybe redecorating, maybe a party, maybe starting a course or a class - something to look forward to and aim for.

You're not responsible for what your ex does. But he'll move on too.

WhoWhoWhoWho Tue 19-Jul-11 09:59:56

You are looking at this all wrong (I don't mean that in a nasty way, more a bossy but kind way). smile

Think about all the things you could do.

Since I split up from abusive ex I have moved to a lovely house with a nice garden I enjoy (after my first move which was more out of desperation and was in a bad area but away from ex). I have painted and decorated lots, in colour schemes I like. Me and DS have had some amazing adventures - days out, days in, holidays and will have more. I have done courses, I can see friends whenever I like, and as DS gets older, can persue hobbies and interests with no man sulking and manipulating in the background.

Also - please try not to worry about ex or feel sorry for him. I haven't read your previous thread but your OP tells me enough. He treat you shoddily and now he is paying the price. Bet you he will move on to his next victim partner as quickly as he can. 'Men' like this can't bear to be on thier own. They are not happy in their own company as deep down they are unhappy people. They need someone there to pander to them and for them to put down so they can try to feel better about themselves.

Elemis Tue 19-Jul-11 10:47:13

I know it's early days and I'm usually quite positive. I love it when it's just ds and me and we can do whatever we want. Ds's behaviour has not been wonderful recently but I actually blame most of that on dh.

I think I am mentally and physically exhausted, so torn between just resting, which gives me more time to mope and be miserable, and getting on with my life. And doesn't help that I have been waiting in now for 3 days for various tradesmen! Aarrgghh!
I think I am just dreading the confrontations. Dh is so unpredictable, he is calm right now, and sad, but ultimately the selfishness will shine through and he will be nasty and aggressive and mean.
I just need some positive happy ending stories to spur me on.
Doesn't help that I'm not working right now, but I need to make the most of thar and go to he gym or do stuff for me.

madmn52 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:47:37

Very well said Whowho - that is exactly true of men like that. OP I stayed with an abusive man for 25 years - always thinking he would change but he never did - permanently at least. He would use the kids as emotional blackmail and say he would never ever see them again if we split - there was no way he was ever going to be a part time dad blah blah blah. He also used to say he would kill himself in some appalling manner or other and his other threat was that he would track me down /throw acid in my face etc etc. To this day I can not watch 'Sleeping with the Enemy' it so captures the whole scenario really. The kids loved him when they were young aswell so like you I didnt feel I could deprive them of him or he of them - it was only when they were older that they realised what he was like with me.

I only finally left him when the last one had left home as he then had no adult witnesses in the house who would defend me (my son at 16 was 6ft - a real gentle giant I hasten to add - finally flipped one day and pinned him to kitchen wall when he caught him about to hit me and my daughter started calling the police when he started ) and also he had no pawns to emotionally blackmail me with anymore. He actually had no choice but to behave himself when the kids were bigger and started intervening as above - so for a few years things were a lot better.

Then when they finally both had left he redoubled his efforts to control me through violence and threats - his only option left I guess to his mind as I think he knew I was more likely to leave once kids had gone.

By now I was literally just too petrified to leave him - I knew what he was capable of. But one day I got my chance - he went away for one night and we 'd had a row and his parting shot was - 'I'll sort you out when I get home' - and suddenly something went 'ping' in my head after 25 years and I thought 'no - you wont' and I did a flit that night and never went back. Of course I got hysterical suicide threats and threats against me etc and even got a 'power of arrest' injunction placed around me. But it all died down after about a year - he had to accept it was over.

Am now married to a lovely man - literally met him in the street one day a year after my divorce and been together ever since.

Sorry to hijack - but dont let this become your story. Except of course the end bit smile. You know I never ever realised until I was free how bad things were - you kid yourself every day - play things down - I know. Simple things like opening your own front door without that awful feeling of dread - 'what mood will he be in' etc. We should all be able to take those things for granted. Very very best of luck to you. I really hope you go for it and dont look back.

Onemorning Tue 19-Jul-11 12:30:32

I don't have DC, but I left an abusive husband 10 years ago. It was terrifying, but the best thing I ever did.

It will be difficult leaving, and I can see how it must be harder because you're looking after yourself and ds. No wonder you're exhausted.

As other people have said, leaving your dh isn't the end of the story - it's the beginning. A better life is out there.

Massive hugs, and best of luck to you. xx

WaitingForMe Tue 19-Jul-11 14:08:22

My ex was emotionally abusive and I felt really guilty about leaving him. He painted me as a game player who made him fall for me only to have the pleasure of hurting him. At the time I felt so awful but looking back it was absurd.

I thought life would be lonely on my own but instead it was peaceful. I relaxed for the first time in years and realised that alone and lonely are not necessarily the same thing and that actually I had been incredibly lonely in my marriage. By being alone there was suddenly all this time and space for people who were good for me.

Good luck x

HerHissyness Tue 19-Jul-11 14:17:15

Why are you feeling sorry for your X? HE DID THIS! he had a choice to be a normal member of society, treat you and your DC with respect and love, but CHOSE NOT to.

LET HIM SUFFER! He never gave your feelings a second thought when he was abusing you. H in a flat, he deserves to be in a PEN with other animals tbh!

When he has finally gone, and after a couple of days (only!) you will realise that your stomach won't lurch in a sickenening way when you hear his key in the door. You won't come home to see him in the house and wonder to yourself if you are about to get told off for something, you will be able to make your own choices, what you do, who you talk to, what you wear, without any fear of reprisals.

Your DS behaviour will improve almost instantly that malevolent pressure is gone from the house.

In a very short time you will realise that being alone is better than being trapped with someone who is actively working to make your life a misery.

Elemis Tue 19-Jul-11 15:33:50

Madmn52, thanks for sharing your story, it sounds awful. I'm very glad you managed to get out of it.
Dh isn't actually physically abusive, but he pushes and gets in my face, and has broken a fair few things.
I think right now it's not real because ds is away, I'm missing him and I am trying to think about how dh feels about him.
That's my problem, I am always trying to figure him out, but I have to try and accept that I can't. It's not like dealing with a normal person.
I'm also nervous because he is coming round tonight to discuss things. Finances, the house, ds.
Once we have a bit of structure, I might be able to move forward.

HerHissyness Tue 19-Jul-11 17:39:57

Pushes? what what physically? Breaking things is violence too you know?

Stop trying to work your X out, you won't be able to! You are right, he is NOT a normal person. not by a long chalk.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? it'll be a lot of help to you, I am sure.

Work out what YOU need, what YOU want and sit and listen to what he offers, then agree or state that it doesn't work for you. Keep comuniciation as simple as possible.

Don't forget if he won't be reasonable with you, you can get solicitors to do the negotiation for you. that is always an option.

be kind to yourself, this is hard, but you can and will get through it.

Elemis Tue 19-Jul-11 22:36:28

So he came in saying " I'm moving out, you dont love me anymore"
Somehow that's evolved into "I'm not moving out, I'm never signing divorce papers"

He won't accept it, now what do I do?

buzzsore Tue 19-Jul-11 22:47:20

What do you do?

Well, tomorrow you make an appointment to get some legal & financial advice and you start making plans. He doesn't get to choose to make you have a relationship with him, he doesn't get to stay married to you if you want a divorce. He doesn't have that power.

Try CAB or a half-hour consultation with a solicitor, they sometimes do free initial consults.

WhoWhoWhoWho Wed 20-Jul-11 07:50:30

YY to getting legal advice.

In your shoes I would move back to where I had family support. Your DS is young and as long as you have family around you and that twunt isn't in the neighbourhood you will relax and so will he! He is only in preschool so still time to get him settled somewhere else. Personally I found moving into a place that was just mine and DS's was the fresh start me and DS both needed - other people fight tooth and nail to stay in the marital home - each to their own I guess. I was really worried about the effect on my son (moving out of the house he'd known since birth), he was happy about it!!

If he refuses to move out of the home I'm not sure he can be forced out (???????) you definitely need to see a solicitor. buzzsore is right, you have the power to change this situation and push forward with what you want.

Elemis Wed 20-Jul-11 22:02:01

Right now he is blaming my family for everything.
I'm so annoyed that the final straw came after a row about my mum. Now he thinks it's all her fault and I can't make him see that I just don't want to be with him.
I'm at my parents now, had a really lovely day.
Will discuss h with them tomorrow, and then look to get some legal advice before I go back
I can't just move down here as it would just cause too much trouble right now, but maybe when the dust settles
I have no objection to leaving our house eventually, but right now it's ds's home, and I don't want to unsettle him too much.

HerHissyness Wed 20-Jul-11 22:23:23

Disengage stop caring about H and what he thinks. You know your Mum is a good person, and you know he's making this a divisive issue to manipulate you into proving your allegiance.

cestlavielife Wed 20-Jul-11 22:28:32

your ds will be fine - in some ways a fresh start may be better for all. so lng as yu are happy and secure he wont mind where you are - home is where you make it

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