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ex, new girlfriend, all too close,

(10 Posts)
startraveller Mon 18-Jul-11 22:36:09

my ex lives in the same village, it was a seemingly amicable split a year ago but a few months ago he announced he's started a relationship with a friend of ours who lives a few doors up in the same street as me. I realised that I'd not dealt with our relationship ending and all the grief and sadness that I'd suppressed came out. He couldn't deal with this and pretty much stopped communicating with me, got upset with me when his new girlfriend told him I'd been 'blanking' her. She told me it felt horrible living in the same street and me not talking to her, she wanted us to be "nice" to each other and told me she knew exactly how I felt!!! I had actually recently approacehed her and a group of friends to be friendly but she seemed to blank me. anyway that was about months ago and I tried the mature neutral approach but I just feel angry now and don't want anything to do with her. I keep finding out that she is giving our 4 year old little presents and it makes me mad and I want to go and tell her to F* off. I've recently seriously begun to consider moving away, I just can't see how I can move on with their relationship being conducted right in front of me in a small community where everyone knows each other.

I guess the not being able to deal with it is my problem but I need to do something, it has affected my mood and my relationship with my son. I am planning to start a uni course in sept, I was going to commute once a week but am now thinking about moving there- about a 3hour drive away and work out childcare etc myself. Is daunting but feel so claustrophobic here I feel it might be worth it. any constructive advice or experience with similar situation would be good, thankyou

RabbitPie Mon 18-Jul-11 22:57:45

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LifeMovesOn Mon 18-Jul-11 23:26:15

I understand totally how you feel, I really do.

I agree with how you feel about moving away - all I would suggest is you make sure you have a support network there for you and your son. It's a big change, especially when it's having to be made (because of the ex's living arrangements) rather than because you wanted to do it first, IYSWIM!!

Good luck x

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 19-Jul-11 19:21:00

I agree that moving to a new area feels fresh and a new start, but don't go just on their behalf, or you'll regret it. Only move if it's something you really want to do.

Hard situation though. Anyone new for you to meet?

notsorted Tue 19-Jul-11 19:38:58

I think you are doing so well not to go into meltdown. All very well for her to say she wants to be friends. Has she no insight?
If your son is four, then move now before schooling is an issue. A village is far too tight/claustrophobic for this to be going on under your nose.
Uni is a fab opportunity to make a really big change in your life. There will be other mature students and you can really get stuck into the social life, rather than commuting. Younger students to babysit and one good thing about those who haven't settled down is that they'll not be judgmental and probably really admire you.
Go for it. I'm envious that you've got a really good reason for moving on. Could be best time of your life. And just think him and her stuck in village, same routine, it will get boring soon ...

I think moving is a good idea, fresh start and all that - even if your split had been genuinely mutually accepted, it would still be rough to see your XP and his new GF as regularly as you are bound to see them in a small village. And even if you were happy to be rid of him, having everyone you know speculating about the relationship would be enough to get on anyone's nerves.

However: is your XP your DS' father? If so, he could raise objections to you moving a long way away on the grounds that it will make it harder for him to see DS and a court might back him up and say these objections are valid. Do you think it might be workable to move somewhere that's sort of in between your current home and your intended uni?

maleview70 Tue 19-Jul-11 20:07:33

How will moving 3 hours away from your sons dad (I assume he is) be beneficial for your son? He is 4 years old. Unless you are moving to a town where his grandparents are then I cant see how he would benefit.Who would look after him? Children need as much familiarity as possible in my view.

Seeing ex partners move on is part of life. He didnt cheat on you with her so I cant really see what she has done wrong. Surely the fact that she is nice to your son should be something to be happy about.

startraveller Tue 19-Jul-11 21:20:23

Thanks for all the support, I guess it's not easy hearing a different point of view and yes maleview70 you have a point. We would actually be moving relatively close to one set of his grandparents and I do acknowledge that if i was more perfect person I would be able to deal with a perfectly nice new girlfriend being around all the time. I also feel that I have to do what's best for me as well as my son (ex is his dad) as I have been utterly miserable I am trying to get some help with my mood and issues but the proximity and constant reminders and are making it very hard for me to move on and to be a good mum. I have had the logic of the situation explained to me several times by both of them but my emotions don't work according to logic. I have tried to give myself a good talking to about just being reasonable and neutral and getting on with my own life- that it is all a part of life but I don't seem to be able to actually move on and feel ok about it all and not let my feelings affect me everyday and my relationship and life with my son. I know it is far from ideal to be away from his dad but it's also far from ideal to be confusing him with a new girlfriend and for us not to be together.

I am a bit worried about the legal aspect though i thought it was only overseas that a parent could object to, is it easy for a parent to take another parent to court over moving away? does anyone know?

Spero Tue 19-Jul-11 21:25:43

He could apply to the court to prevent you moving, but I think he would be very unlikely to succeed - you have good reasons for a move and will be nearer other family members. You won't be so far away that he can't do weekend contact, you can share the travel.

But try to talk it through with him first and get his agreement, that is always the best way.

maleview70 Tue 19-Jul-11 22:19:37

Dont get me wrong I can see that having it on your doorstep is hard but I still think moving that far away is harsh because of the way you feel. Is there not a compromise solution? Ie not 3 hours away?

Your son needs to know that both parents are there for him and both love him. Sometimes you have to deal with your own issues rather than run away from them. Jealousy is a horrible human emotion and if you can work on that and overcome it then your son is likely to have a better view of life despite his parents separating.

If you do press ahead your ex could easily get full weekend access if he pushed it and permission to go on holidays etc. If this relationship is serious then who knows how it might end up. You could both be sitting at your sons wedding in future years and it is much better all around if you could try to deal with it.

Just my view...

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