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the hardest thing I have ever done.

(18 Posts)
stayforthekids1 Mon 18-Jul-11 20:51:01

tonight I finally sat my DH down and told him our marriage was over. Previous thread explains why. He took it okay it seemed though he has now gone out. I offered him all the time he needed, to get himself sorted but he says it will be too hard to stay in the house and he is going to move out. I feel like the most terrible person on the planet. Ripping my family apart. Breaking his heart. I wish I could feel different. But I know I have done the right thing. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just figured there might be other folk out there that have been here.

I haven't read the back story (link?) but been there, can empathise with how you must feel.

One step at a time I think for the next few weeks. You will start to feel better sooner than you think.

msshapelybottom Mon 18-Jul-11 20:56:19

It's horribly final, actually saying the words out loud isn't it? I can well remember the sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach and the awful realisation that there was no going back, even though it had taken me 2 years to pluck up the courage to end things.

I haven't seen your other thread OP, but hope you are ok.

stayforthekids1 Mon 18-Jul-11 21:01:29

I am okay. Its so hard because he is not some terrible monster. I just fell out of love and cant pretend anymore. I am scared I wont be strong enough and will back down, pretend a bit longer. I am scared what is going to happen to him. But I still know its the right decision.

I suppose I am going to have to find out what I can claim. We live in my brothers house, renting. I will probably have to give up work (Bartender, late hours). One thing at a time I guess.

msshapelybottom Mon 18-Jul-11 21:04:30

try just to get through the next few days before you worry about the practical things, you both need time to get used to the idea.

You might soon begin to feel better just for having made the decision. Lighter, you know?

stayforthekids1 Tue 19-Jul-11 08:16:19

Last night was hard. He said it felt like his first chance to speak. That is rubbish as over the past few years I begged him to tell me how he was feeling and gave him plenty of opportunity but...lots was discussed. He now wants to carry on living here (we have a spare room) until one or both of us meet someone else in the future. I have agreed....but I have no idea if we can actually live together and not have any problems. Time will tell I guess. I have no problem with him continuing to live here. It will be good for him and the kids and (selfish I know) it means I can still work for the time being.

ameliagrey Tue 19-Jul-11 08:32:34

God what a horrible place to be in- in both senses!

I'm sure he does want to stay put- but is that really a good idea?

Interesting that already he is thinking of meeting somebody else! I don't mean that shows he doesn't care about you, but it does seem to say he is needy and wants to jump into something else.

Surely it would be better for you both to really live totally separate lives? maybe your brother has a huge house and you can?

Potnetial issues though- which woman will believe him when he says he is separated but still living with his wife? Cue threads here from women dating men who say that! How could either of you really forge new relationships with the lack of privacy you'll have by liiving in the same house?

What do you think?

stayforthekids1 Tue 19-Jul-11 08:53:43

all very valid points. I am not even thinking of new relationships, but I get where you are coming from.

I doubt it would work anyway. He just phoned me shouting as to why I 'let' him have a vasectomy last year if I knew then I wasnt in love with him anymore. He is so blinkered. I tried and tried to tell him how I felt but he would never accept it. I tried to talk him out of the vasectomy and asked him what he would do if we ever split and he met someone else. He said with 4 dc to me, he definitely would not want any more children. He just can never take responsibility for his part in things. Its always someone elses doing. I imagine if things are now going to become nasty, he will be moving out sharpish.

msshapelybottom Tue 19-Jul-11 09:18:44

stay: living under the same roof is very hard - me and ex have been forced to do it for financial reasons since we separated. Thankfully, now he is away during the week and only comes back to see the kids twice a month. However, when he was here full time it was awful, no way to escape each others' pain, no way to move on or even have any privacy really. Despite our best intentions, we still fought a lot. I would say that if there is a way to live in separate homes, that would be the way to go.

My ex got very angry for months after I told him I wanted us to split. Funnily enough, he was really pissed off that he had a vasectomy and couldn't have kids with anyone else and I could if I wanted. He was angry with me because of that even though he was the one who wanted to have the snip in the first place!

I think people go through the same emotions as if they were grieving the end of the relationship.

It's just horrible all round, but it will get easier. 2.5 years down the line and exH and I are kind of indifferent to each other - we can co-exist for the most part without much bickering!

stayforthekids1 Tue 19-Jul-11 09:39:43

In some ways I understand his feelings. He says he feels an abused husband. Before I was diagnosed with PMDD and treated for it, when we argued on occasion I would lash out at him. I know its unacceptable but I did go and get help. He says he feels he supported me through my worst time and now I am better I am just tossing him aside. That this is him now going through his worst time (trying to stop drinking, cutting out drugs, sorting out a bedroom problem) and I am not there for him. He IS right about all of that. But he doesnt understand that I am the reason his drinking etc increased. He wanted a loving wife and he didnt have one. I fell out of love with him after all the fights, the nights sitting beside him whilst he was stoned out of his head, or blazing drunk on cider. I cant just fall back in love with him. To carry on as we were would have been very cruel to both of us.

msshapelybottom Tue 19-Jul-11 11:47:49

Stay, your situation is very similar to mine...feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

icanttakealltheblame Tue 19-Jul-11 16:12:02

stay, I will be reading this thread with interest, but sadly cannot offer any words of advice as I am in a similar position. sad

DH had affair 2 yrs ago, and since then things have not been the same. I plucked up the courage to tell him I wanted to separate 2 months ago, and he has veered between agreeing to move out, and not. Last night he decided that as he is suffering from anxiety, moving out is not the best idea for him, so he's going to stay. I am gutted and feel like my life is now on hold, all because its what HE wants. Will be good to see how other people get through this.

stayforthekids1 Tue 19-Jul-11 17:25:07

Thanks folks. Today has been nice whilst he was working. I feel like a big burden has been taken off my shoulders...because I dont have to live a lie anymore. Had lots of fun with the kids and genuinely felt happy at home which is something I havent felt in a long time. I am worried about myself though. I have lost now a stone of weight in two weeks (now eight and half stone) and just dont have an appetitie. I dont want to lose anymore. I am putting it down to having recently started smoking again (yes bad I know) and stress.

He is home now however and looks like he is squaring for a fight. I will just have to take a lot of what he says I think and try not to rise to any of it. I am lucky in that I do have a good support network.

One thing that has really told me I have done the right thing is the lack of upset on my behalf. I think I have already done the grieving for our marriage over the past few years. Or maybe it will come when he actually does move out. Either way...I feel okay.

icanttakealltheblame Tue 19-Jul-11 17:57:48

Thats exactly how I feel Stay, not upset at having decided to separate, which is what keeps me going when I have wobbles over whether I have done the right thing. My DH would change moods on a daily basis, so I hope yours is a bit more stable, as the stress of not knowing whether he'd be crying, smiling etc gets unbearable. But again, like you, I feel I have grieved for my marriage already. Our DH's are merely playing catch up.

Good luck, I hope tonight isn't too difficult.

stayforthekids1 Tue 19-Jul-11 19:29:36

so far things are okay. He has decided to move out. I am quite relieved as the atmosphere is horrible. However it wont be for a month or so. He wants me to get housing benefit etc in place before he goes so the rent doesnt get behind. I have no idea if thats allowed. Going to make some calls tomorrow. He has also agreed that he is willing to take care of the kids when I am working, even after he moves out. But its early days I know. All this could change yet.

stayforthekids1 Wed 20-Jul-11 07:51:29

How do you get over that feeling of failure? Now my marriage is ending I am looking at my life and thinking....what a mess. Single mother to 4 children at the age of 26. On the verge of bankruptcy. Drink driving conviction (I didnt drive but moved into the drivers seat to stop my...what do I call him now? from driving. He ended up admonished as long as I plead guilty) no career to speak of. My parents must be so proud.

msshapelybottom Wed 20-Jul-11 08:43:54

You could look at it in a different way Stay: You're only 26, you have 4 beautiful children who love you and an ex who may perhaps one day turn out to be a supportive friend and co-parent. You are strong and brave and not afraid of making tough decisions. You show a maturity beyond your years. Your loved ones can surely only be proud of you.

Everything else is just detail. You can change those as you go.

I'm 36, single parent with 3 kids, 2 failed marraiges, no job and no real achievements to speak of. That's not who I am though! I have plans and ambitions and I intend to make them happen...one day!

Go easy on yourself smile

stayforthekids1 Wed 20-Jul-11 13:28:18

yes no matter what has and is happening we do have 4 wonderful children and I dont regret a minute of my life with him. Neither does he. I was having a bit of a downer but feeling better again now. Going to get on the phone to sort out benefits.

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