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Please tell me I'm being silly and to get a grip...

(12 Posts)
kerchow Mon 18-Jul-11 16:44:26

I don't know where to begin with this. It is my own fault. It seems like nothing but I can't stop crying about it. DH and I have had a massive blow up over the weekend. I looked at his BlackBerry and saw recent email messages between him and an old (male) colleague discussing a woman they used to work with. It was a chain of emails and I read it as DH saying he'd been out for a drink with her, the old colleague saying he should have had a go on her and DH saying "yeah, I bet she was really dirty." I asked him about it and he says I've got it all wrong and that they'd never been out together except in a group, the old colleague was saying he (DH) should have had a go and that he'd said that about her as it was just something to say. He is really angry that I've looked at the emails and says that I'm always looking for something and he's right. I can't trust him.

We've been together for about 15 years after meeting at school and married for 7. We have two DS, aged 5 and 2. About 4 -5 months after I had DS1 I saw on our shared PC that DH had joined a dating website entering his personal details to meet women online. I confronted him about it and he said that he hadn't done it and that his old colleague had used his email address to join. I didn't believe this but let it go. Around the time there was also an issue regarding a pay per view porn channel he'd clearly signed us up to but denied all knowledge of. Since then there have been other things that I'd seen on his phone or the PC such as Facebook messages to women he'd worked with addressed to "Gorgeous." I admit that I am all over his phone and emails if he leaves them unlocked and I get the chance but it's because I don't trust him.

Writing this down and compared to some other posters on here this sounds like nothing but I am so upset. Generally we just jog along but today I'm really struggling and don't think I can get past this. We're up to our eyeballs in debt, owe money everywhere and to both sets of parents. He is mainly in charge of our finances and has lied in the past about managing them causing more difficulties with the debts. Our sex life is so so but we can go weeks without being intimate. He is not very affectionate, never cuddles me or asks how I am. After I had the DS I put on a lot of weight but have managed to lose a bit of this recently. He hasn't said a word and doesn't comment on how I look even if I feel I've made the effort and look good. He doesn't text or ring me unless it's to ask a specific question about arrangements for the DS or dinner etc and he has no pet names for me, I'm just kerchow. I think that's why I'm so upset about his comments about this woman and the messages I've seen. I'm nothing special to him, I'm just part of the fixtures and fittings of his life.

He's not in contact with the woman he was emailing about and I don't think he has been unfaithful but I'm so jealous. He is in sales and the thought of him flirting whether work related or otherwise makes me sick. In the past he has been to strip clubs on stag party's and this again drives me crackers.

In the past when I've tried to talk to him about this or other issues in the relationship such as the debt he'll just brush it off, telling me I'm unreasonable and that if I was nicer to him he'd be nicer to me. He says he does fancy me but that my attitude makes it difficult for him to be nice to me. It's not all one way obviously. I've got a terrible temper, can be a moaner and me going through his phone/emails etc is not on but I've just had enough. I feel like such a fool, making an effort for him, trying to make sure we and the DS have a good life when he clearly doesn't feel the same way about me.

suburbophobe Mon 18-Jul-11 16:58:23

God, he sounds awful, I'm sorry to say it.

Apart from all the other stuff, he's a bully when he puts all the onus for the relationship on you "if you were nicer to me I'd be nicer to you" type crapola!
It's the drip drip effect of slowly wearing you down.
I wonder if your "terrible temper" etc. is caused by his total disrespect of you.....

He also won't take responsibility for his choices (debts/porn channel/dating sites/strip clubs) by taking the stance of "deny, deny, deny", thereby making you doubt yourself, and having to verify your hunches/feelings by checking on his phone/mail.

I feel for you.

Ask yourself this: Where do I want to be with my life in 3 or 5 or 10 years down the line?

ENormaSnob Mon 18-Jul-11 17:30:37

I think you have very good reasons not to trust him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 18-Jul-11 17:32:37

Kerchow,

I am not going to tell you that you are being silly and to get a grip, far from it. Your H is treating your with complete contempt, lies through his teeth even with hard evidence presented to him and is blaming you for all of the problems, problems that he has himself created by his very actions. He is not taking responsibility for his actions and perhaps never will either.

What are you getting out of this relationship, what is keeping you within this now?.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here, they are learning from both of you?. Is your marriage really the role model you want to be teaching them?.

Better to be alone in my view than to be badly accompanied.

Have you as yet considered divorcing him?.

ameliagrey Mon 18-Jul-11 17:41:08

Why are you in debt? is this down to him as he controls the money or what? can you take back some control?

You are not being silly.

The phone thing may well be innocent but his other behaviour leaves a lot to be desired.

As always, I'll suggest Relate for counselling. You both need to talk with someone impartial, get it all out in the open, and see what he says.

If he is not up for fixing your obvious concernsm then go by yourself and see if you want to stay with him.

Fairenuff Mon 18-Jul-11 18:00:28

Why on earth are you putting up with this man? He has become complacent.

He thinks he can do as he pleases; flirt with other women but not his wife, compliment other women but not his wife.

He lies to you and blames you for his actions.

You should be able to talk with him properly about your concerns. If he doesn't take you seriously, make him. If he won't respect you, he can't have you. Don't let him walk all over you like this! Sorry, but it makes me angry

BelleDameSansMerci Mon 18-Jul-11 18:05:23

It sounds as if he is totally taking you for granted sad.

I guess, really, you need to think about what you want and then talk, calmly, to him about what you both want, etc. If you both want the relationship to work, you'll both need to work at it.

You're not being silly and the only thing you need get a grip on is what you want, long term. You sound very sad and lonely in your post.

kerchow Mon 18-Jul-11 18:21:34

We're in debt for various reasons, largely for living beyond our means. I thought it was just credit card debts until about 18-24 months ago when red letters started arriving regarding the mortgage, utility bills & loans. He assures me that this is being dealt with, has borrowed money from both sets of parents but as with the other stuff I can't trust him as he's lied so much in the past.

I have thought about divorce & where I want to be in 5-10 years.
I feel tied to him because of the DS being so young & the debts. Things aren't always so bad, we have good times together but things like this just make me think thats all a facade & that we're both
going through the motions.

As I say, it's not all him. My behaviour isn't always brilliant. I have caused huge problems in the past with his family & have contributed to our financial problems but refusing to work more than part time whilst the DS are young. My temper is an issue to him, I've always been well known for it but can easily control it with family, friends & at work (i have a fairly stressful job!) but when it comes to him i just lose it. I think it's because i feel so stupid that i've wasted so much time with him when he clearly doesn't feel the same.

Fairenuff Mon 18-Jul-11 18:42:06

Well are you going to carry on living like this or do you want things to change?

BEAUTlFUL Mon 18-Jul-11 19:36:01

Start again with yourself - spend the next 6 months getting slim, fit, happy and self-confident... Instead of overweight and paranoid, hoing through his phone and emails. Don't you have anything better to do??

Then if he's still be a twat, leave.

ameliagrey Mon 18-Jul-11 19:40:43

And can I add- start budgeting. get a spread sheet done of all your essential outgoings including loans, and see where you can save- then see how you can pay off debts. Your CAB might be able to advise.

Do this TOGETHER without any secrecy. You sound as if you cow-tow to him.

Working p/t is perfectly acceptable- no need to blame yourself for that.

But it's not acceptable to spend beyond your means.

Even if you split up you will need to sort out money so start now.

Bogeyface Tue 19-Jul-11 00:26:23

Firstly, the money. He wasnt paying the bills, the credit card and most importantly the mortgage. But you are taking his word for it that they are being "sorted". Why? Why is he still in control of your money? This is one area where I would never ever give a second chance, the building society wont so I wont either, as I will not allow anyone to risk the roof over our heads. You need to look at why you allow him this amount of control. Are the bills in your name or his? If they are in his and he got you into this situation in the first place then I would say that if you do choose to leave him then the only debt you owe is to your parents and only then because I would hate the thought of them loaning money and not getting it back, morally he owes it to them. He didnt pay the bills so he can deal with the debts. IF you choose to stay then you need to insist that you take control of the finances, and have the bills put into your name (the debt will remain in his on his credit record afaik) so that he cant do anything about them without your say so. You need to take his name off any joint accounts and arrange an allowance paid to each of you in your own accounts, the rest going on the bills and debts.

Now him. He is clearly a born liar and manipulator, to the point where you feel powerless and guilty. Your instinct knows something is wrong but he is so good at what he does, instead of trusting your instinct you feel that you are paranoid. Does he gamble or drink or do drugs? where did the bill/mortgage money go? You may need to do some detective work and advanced maths on your bank statements to find out, as I doubt he will tell you. He will do all he can to keep you in the dark and powerless so as beautiful said, start with yourself. You cant change him, so dont try.

You need to look at yourself and work out why you allow this situation to continue. Is it a fear of being alone, or coping alone? I can tell you from experience that nothing is as bad as you think it will be. Fear of a situation is often worse than the reality, you just need help to get over that fear. Your parents are obviously happy to help you, so can you go to them and tell them the truth of the situation? You need emotional support and they may be best placed to give it to you.

I would recommend that you look into getting some counselling from Relate or similar, for YOU so that you can look at how this situation happened and how you can best escape from it. They will help you formulate a plan of what you want to do and when and help you get the confidence to see it through. A visit to a solicitor may be a good idea too, just to find out what your legal position is for when and if you decide to leave.

Take care x

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