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Meeting the ex behind DH's back

(16 Posts)
EyePoke Mon 18-Jul-11 13:31:29

DH is quite a jealous and insecure person and he hates the fact that I occasionally speak to my ex on facebook. I havn't actually seen my ex for over 3 years, he lives 200 miles away and I genuinly have zero interest in him. I just see him as another person to chat to on facebook. However he is due to travel down to where I live on a work trip tomorow and asked if I fancied meeting up for a coffee. DH would hit the roof and just would not allow it without a massive row and suspicion and upset etc. Would it be really wrong of me to go anyway and just fail to mention it to DH? there is nothing in it, I'm just bored as I'm off work for 2 months, nothing to do - generally agree to go to coffee with anyone that suggests it these days just for an hour out of the house but DH would NEVER understand.
I know I shouldn't really, I'd be pissed off and suspicious if it was the other way around so I'm a hypocrite, I know.

VelvetSnow Mon 18-Jul-11 13:36:05

Don't go unless your DH knows.

You know it's wrong. Why would you purposely do something behind your DH's back.

<waiting to see what everyone else says>

EyePoke Mon 18-Jul-11 13:37:28

I know, it is wrong. It's just that I know there is genuinly nothing in it but I suppose that doesn't make it right.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 18-Jul-11 13:38:13

If you genuinely have nothing to be ashamed of in meeting this man, then you should go ahead and do so, but please don't do it without telling your DH. It will only fuel his jealousy and make matters worse.

You really need to have a long chat with him about why he is so jealous and insecure.

MizzyTizzy Mon 18-Jul-11 13:44:35

I agree with VelvetSnow.

Either tell your DH or don't go.

This meeting will become a 'secret' by omission and could come back and bite you on the bum big style later on.

rockinhippy Mon 18-Jul-11 13:52:42

Sneaking about behind your DHs is back is plain wrong & will only serve to compound his insecurity - just imagine how YOU would feel if he did the same - innocent or not it looks VERY bad

as already said you need to talk to him, deep heart to heart sort of stuff & let him know that his mistrust of you, makes you feel as if you have to act in a way that is dishonest & ask him to explore WHY he pushes you into a corner that makes you feel that way, when you really do have nothing to hide & have no intention of cheating on him.

You also need to let him know gently that you WILL meet up with this male friend, who just so happens to be an ex, because you would like to go & you hope he can trust YOU enough to let that happen without a fight & that he's welcome to come along, but only if he can do so without jealousy, which would only embarrass you all

good luck

Bogeyface Mon 18-Jul-11 14:18:03

I agree that you shouldnt go without telling him, but only because you shouldnt let his insecurities rule your life.

If you dont go now, what will the next thing be that you cant do incase it upsets him? I found that even if you do bend over backwards to keep the jealous one happy, even if you dont do anything without them being there, they will still find something/someone to be jealous about. Mine hit the roof at me if I mentioned I liked someone in a totally innocent way, for example "Oh I like this song, this guy has a really good voice". And because I was trying to keep him happy it got worse and worse and eventually I left.

thesunshinesbrightly Mon 18-Jul-11 14:20:44

How would you feel if it was the other way round?

Would you not feel the slightest bit of guilt?

CareyHunt Mon 18-Jul-11 14:26:36

My DH has, on occasion, done similar things. His bullshit excuse when rumbled (which he always is) is that he either 'didn't think it was important' or 'thought I would be hurt'. As far as I can see, both of these are very good reasons for either a)not going or b)telling me about it before hand.

On every occasion it has being the lying that has been the most hurtful, and which has made what could have been innocent things look decidedly dodgy.

It will come out at some point, and it will look v.v.bad.

flatbellyfella Mon 18-Jul-11 14:31:56

You must tell him and not go behind his
back on this . My ex lived a life of
Deception and secrets and it's so hurtful
when you find out you have been
deceived .

niceguy2 Mon 18-Jul-11 14:55:56

I never believe anyone who says they want to meet their ex without their current partner knowing but that they're not interested....

In which case:

a) Why are you keeping in touch with someone whom you've no interest in?

b) If there's nothing going on, why not invite your DH along too?

UnhappyLizzie Mon 18-Jul-11 15:09:14

You wouldn't be asking if you thought it was OK. It's not worth it if you love your husband.

If you know he's insecure it makes it worse. Be grateful he minds, rather than resent it, and find someone else to have coffee with. This guy doesn't even sound like he's much fun.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Jul-11 15:12:22

What they said. It's not a close friend that your DH is trying to pry you from, so why even do it let alone be sneaky about it. There's a few more jolly things to do with a couple of months off work than having coffee with ex boyfriends who you don't care about, surely.

However, I do think your DH's issues need addressing, as you can't carry on your life in a state of panic over who he might think you were meeting etc etc. I had 25 years of it and it never got any better. I should have said therapy or the high road the very first time he did it.

everyonebutme Mon 18-Jul-11 15:23:54

Agree with UnhappyLizzie and you say yourself you'd be pissed off and suspicious if it was the other way round. Please don't do this unless your tell your husband and he is completely happy about it. My husband did this to me and I have fallen apart after finding out (lost a stone in weight, not been sleeping, now on antidepressants, etc). I only have his story as to what really went on. Our marriage is now on the line after this deception. It is really not worth it for a half hour coffee and chat.

ENormaSnob Mon 18-Jul-11 16:02:28

No way would I do this to my dh.

GothAnneGeddes Mon 18-Jul-11 16:24:03

It is not worth it. If you want to stop your dh being so jealous, this is not the way to do it. From your op, you sound a bit bored and stifled. Are you sure there is no ulterior motive to meeting this ex?

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