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Feeling like crap, people from my past invading my present...

(2 Posts)
Surfacing Mon 18-Jul-11 13:13:38


I originally posted this in AIBU as I was at a loss as to where to post it. I got a few responses, all good, but still feel like I need some good advice. It is a very long post, so totally understand why people might not have responded much. One of the lovely posters who replied PMed me and suggested I post in here. Hope you don't mind as it's not about a spousal relationship...

I am a regular under a namechange, I know all about rivers of sweetcorn/pouffe of poo/bumsex fridays/Cod etc etc.

OK here goes, it's a long one but please try and bear with me.

When I was fourteen, I used to go to a lot of gigs with a close circle of friends. We used to drink before we went in and we did look/act older than we were. At one particular gig, my group got talking to a group of three boys, they were all seventeen. I got separated from the my group and ended up alone with one of the boys from the group. We ended up kissing in a secluded area of the venue. I wasn't all that attracted to him but drink/youth told me it didn't matter. To cut a long story short, he ended up having sex with me even though I had said I didn't want to. I was a virgin and was scared but he went ahead and did it anyway. I remember it as clear as anything even though I was drunk, I remember it hurting and me wanting it to end, quickly, so I could go and find my friends. Eventually I did find them and this boy was still tagging along with me. It turned out that one of my friends had hooked up with one of his friends and wanted to go back to their house after the gig. In my heart I didn't want to but I went anyway. The same boy tried to have sex with me again but I pretended to be asleep and he left me alone.

The next day, this boy asked for my number. I gave it to him, though I don't know why. He made me feel uneasy and I wasn't attracted to him. I suppose I thought because I'd had sex with him, that's what I had to do. My friend started seeing his mate and I saw this boy a few times afterwards although I wouldn't have said he was my boyfriend. We didn't have sex again after what happened at the gig.

Then a few weeks later, I was watching an episode of The Bill where a woman had been raped but because she hadn't fought off/screamed, she was in denial about what had happened. Everything clunked into place, about why I felt uneasy about this boy and why I felt weird around him. When I heard the police officer say to the woman on the television "You said no. That should be enough." I knew what had happened. Being fourteen, I thought that rape involved struggle/screaming/fighting etc. Not saying no once or twice then letting sex happen.

The next day, I spoke to my friend about it. I asked her what she thought about rape and if she thought that if you said "no" to sex but the other person went ahead anyway, if she thought it was rape. She said yes. I told her what had happened that night at the gig and she was really nice about it but obviously being that young, couldn't give me any advice. She prompted me to tell our other friend, who I suppose was the ring-leader of our group, which I did. She started to cross-examine me and I got upset/embarrassed, so she backed off. She then suggested that we confront the boy, which we did. He denied he had forced me and we never saw him again.

About a week later, he wrote me a letter, not a very nice one, and pushed it through my door. I don't know why, whether he was trying to scare me off going to the police/telling my parents but it shook me up. I tore it up and binned it. The next day, I was shaken and my friend asked me what was the matter. I told her that I'd had a vicious letter from him. She asked to see it. Inexplicably, I tried to re-write the letter myself, in a panic. I'd worked myself up into a state thinking that they didn't believe me so I re-wrote the letter, what i could remember and gave it to my friend. She told me she had destroyed it so that it wouldn't upset me further. The next day, the ring-leader friend confronted me. She recognised my hand-writing and accused me of making the entire thing up. I knew I hadn't but it didn't look good. I didn't have a leg to stand on. My entire group of friends fell out with me and I ended up legging it out of school and walking around the streets in the cold all day until home time.

Eventually, we made friends. The incident was never mentioned again until about two years later, I went on holiday for two weeks with another mate. I had a steady, first boyfriend at the time who was at home and he was hanging around with my circle of friends. When i got home, I found out that the ring-leader friend had showed my boyfriend the letter that she had kept and told him that I lied about the rape. Fortunately, my boyfriend believed me. But, it shook me up that one of my so-called close mates was keeping this to use against me. I never mentioned to her that I knew she had showed him. We stayed friends for years after that, right up until our respective marriages five/six years ago. Then we seemed to drift apart, we have kept in touch through Facebook but haven't actually seen each other and I am happy with that. I have a new group of friends from uni'/work/life in general who I love and I feel no need to cling on to dead friendships.

Now, what's rattled me is this: one of my best mates has recently had a baby and throug baby groups etc has become friends with these two old friends of mine. They are all cosy, doing baby stuff together etc. I saw a wall post between them on Facebook earlier and it made me really upset. I don't want to share my friend with these two. How do I know that the ring leader one hasn't kept the letter still? How do I know she isn't going to poison my friend against me? I know I sound paranoid but that's because I am. I hate it. I am not childish enough to ask my friend not to be mates with them but it's really rattled me. I love my circle of friends and I don't want these two infiltrating it. AIBU? I don't mind being told that I am being stupid. I feel like all of the old feelings when all of my mates fell out with me are resurfacing and I hate it. I am thirty-one now. I shouldn't feel like this.

Sorry for the VERY long post and thank you if you've read this far

HeyYouJimmy Mon 18-Jul-11 14:50:58

So sorry you've been through this OP, but although I understand you not wanting to share your new friend with the other 2 women who you don't like, you cannot dictate who your friend is mates with.

Personally speaking, if I was in your position and ny friend was mates with 2 women I didn't like, I'd be very careful of what I told her in future and wouldn't confide in her again. I'd just talk about everyday boring things like the weather/what I'll be having for tea today and faff like that. That way, there's no juicy gossip for her to tell the other 2 and them to spread around.

A good bet would be to find some other groups to go to or maybe a few classes at your local college and make new friends with there. Try to make friends who aren't connected to these women.


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