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Sibling relationship... what do I do now..?

(10 Posts)
Shhhh Mon 18-Jul-11 10:45:56

My sister and I have never really been close, shame really but more her fault than mine.

We are now adult (30's) so I guess grown up now to realise what type of relationship we do or don't as the cae may be have.

As kids we argued lots, I guess general kids stuff. As we became teenagers we argued and at 18 she left home to go to uni. I would have been around 14, last child left at home. I have always and still do have a good relationship with my mum and it was just me left at home with mum (dad travelled lots). I know my sis was jealous that I was allowed to do more than she could at my age (out with friends/nightclubs at 16 etc) where as she always hid what she was doing and I guess had a different relationship with mum than I did/do.

She couldn't wait to move away from home, thus choosing a uni around a 6/7 hr drive away. Various things happened over the next 15 years, boyfriends/holiday/marriage all of which I did before she did but that was life.

Our relationship however became even iykwim. We spoke every few weeks and text each other most days or weeks. General stuff.

I married before her, I asked her to be my chilf bridesmaid. Dispite what had gone on she was my sis after all and I wanted her to have that role. She declined.
She came to my wedding dressed suitable however as soon as she could after the meal she changed into jeans hmm.

I asked her to come abroard on my hen do, I offered to pay for her. She declined.
I had a hen do locally and offered for her to stop over that night. She declined.

Months later I got pregnant (she NEVER wanted babies and made that very clear.. I add, she always said she would NEVER MARRY..)

She didn't seem to excited but would text me to see how I was, showed concern to morning sickness and would support me on occasion esp after 2 mc's.

I never for a moment thought she would visit once dd was born yet upon being wheeled to the ward with dd 4 hours old there was my mum and sister. Apparently when told I was in labour she dropped everything and made sure she was on route once dd was born.

I was amazed. Very proud that she had made the effort iykwim.

She isn't like me at all, not maternal BUT she is/was a good auntie although a mad and childlike one. She would get down top their level and play like they do. Something which both my los' love.

I had ds, she was very ill 3 days after birth. DH & I rushed into hospital with ds leaving dd (then 21 months old) with my parents. Upon returning home that night, minus ds and dh my sister was there. She hadn't yet seen ds. I was surpised that dispite how she always was she had turned up. TBH she was the last person I wanted and I just wanted bed but I wasn't rude and appreciated it. I guess I was greatful she made the effort.

I guess she didn't see him till he was a few weeks/months old. She lived about an hour away. BUT we still had the contact like we had before. We even started to skype every few months.

Then....................... mothers day this yr we saw her, she had travelled 8 hours to ours for a wedding, had seen us and mum on mothers day and 2 days later once home her dh called my parents and then me to tell us she was pregnant. Shocked why her dh called and not her..?

Shocked why she hadn't told us 2 days ago face to face but she wanted to get the scan out of the way which was that day.

Straighaway mum & I were told, don't discuss the birth with her, don't discuss the pregnancy with her she is still coming to terms with it..

This was the case for the next 20+ weeks.

I have text to ask how she is (like you do when you text someone.. Hiya, how are you..?) and I get, stop keep asking me, im pregnant not ill.... well I gather that but im asking a general question. How else do I start a text..?!

I have asked about sickness, movement,if she needs any clothing, product advice etc to be shouted down.

It came to a head 8-10 weeks ago. I had seen a friend of hers locally who had spoken to her, said she was after trousers expanders and did I know where to get them. I spoke to my sister hours later, saying I had seen x and =that she wanted this item only for her to shout at me how annoyed she is everyone is duscussing her and would everyone stop gossiping..?!
I explained we weren't and that we are all excited and want to help.
I then couldn't hold back anymore, told her she is ungrateful esp to mum. Mum can't even tell people my sis is pregnant, I told her of all the times she has let me down. Wedding, hen do's yet I have always supported her at her wedding. FFS 6 months pregnant and travelling 2 hours to it, outfit, expensive hotel blah de dah.

She told me she felt the same as me.. now tit for tat.

we lost signal off mob's, I called her back she ignored me. I called her home phone later, she ignored me.

I spoke to dh and we agreed that she has let me down but given her situation to let it pass. I text apologising and biting my lip. I never got a reply back.

I have text pics of the dk's. Nothing................

I have had no questions asked about the dk's. Not even when parents babysit and she is made aware by mum, she would normally text to say enjoy yourself... nothing.

Mum is keeping out of it, fair enough. She tbh is scared about missing out on her gc.hmm.

sis has also made it clear that come babys due date she will have others to deal with rather than me, basically im not welcome. (we were due in june to visit her before we knew about baby.. to do a 13 mile walk which I didn't think was advisable to a 20+ week pregnant lady at 12 at night..) I advised we couldn't afford the time or money then and wanted to wait till baby arrived.

She I think has thrown her dummy out about this.

Also, given the fact we went locally away for the weekend not long after cancelling with her. ffs, it was last minute, a 1.5 hr drive away and dh had a break in work...)

it was out wedding anniversary yesterday. We got a card off her and a cheque.

Dh told me if he received it, it would be posted back. I told him that would end the relationship totally........... I text her for the 1st time in 8-10 weeks to thank her. NOTHING.............................

Im sat her this morning, quite sad about it all but also quite angry. She involved herself in some ways with my pregnancies YET can't see that im due to become an auntie for the first time after never thinking I ever would. Im excited.

All my life she has put me down, shit on me and been quite a cow to me. I don't need this anymore...

what do I do now..? Im really very tempted to return her cheque..............

I have no idea how far gone she is, what she looks like or even how the pregnany is going. I have't even been sent a scan pic although mum & dad have shown me one.

wwyd...???

Shhhh Mon 18-Jul-11 10:50:15

blush so sorry it so long...

Shhhh Mon 18-Jul-11 10:50:33

blush

coppertop Mon 18-Jul-11 11:05:32

It looks to me as though you both view your relationship with each other differently. You say that you're not close but as an outsider looking in it seems to me as though you're sister is usually there for you when you need her.

Is she the sort of person who has never really liked any attention? You say that even as a teenager she would hide what she was doing. She didn't want to be a bridesmaid and now doesn't really want to talk about her pregnancy. I think that this could be the root of your problems with her.

I think you should respect her wishes about her pregnancy. I know lots of women like to make it into an exciting event but others really just prefer to get on with it quietly. Nothing wrong with either approach but in cases like this there can be a clash.

I would accept the cheque, treat yourselves to something nice and leave your sister a message to say "Thanks for the cheque. We spent it on XYZ". Don't necessarily expect a reply just yet but let her deal with things in her own way for a while.

turquoisetumble Mon 18-Jul-11 11:08:21

Shhhh. I think you need to step back sweetheart. If you can step outside this for a minute (not easy with families, I know) it will help.

Not all sisters have fabulous relationships and it sounds as though there is so much resentment between the pair of you. You don't need to be best friends or text and skype each other regularly. You can meet up once or twice a year at your Mum's and be civil to each other. That's perfectly acceptable. It may not be what you wanted from a sister, but it might be the best you can get. If you let go of the expectation of a sister who supports you and just expect someone who you can get on with OK at Christmas, you might find it a lot easier.

She sounds like she has serious issues, especially with this pregnancy, but she's made it clear she doesn't want your input. Respect that.

Personally, I would send back the cheque, but with a kind note explaining why you feel uncomfortable (she's not talking to you!), that you respect her decision but wish her all the best, that the kids miss her and you hope to hear from her soon.

Shhhh Mon 18-Jul-11 11:11:18

See coppertop, I think she is someone who doesn't like the attention and in fact said thats why she turned down the bridesmaid role but imo its an honour to be asked and she is my sister.... I would do anything for her even if I didn't want to.

I feel ashamed really, that I have dropped anything for her and she seems so reluctant to do so for me yet does do things but as and when it pleases her.

I feel sad as well that I can't share her pregnancy as a sister, even to be called to ask what bath to buy or if we found x useful. Nothing....

She hid things as a teenager as they were things she shouldn't really have been doing iykiwm.

hanging around areas she shouldn't be, with the wrong crowd, getting drunk at 14/15,smoking etc. Yes, teenager experiences I know but thats what I mean about her hiding.

What saddens me most is that fair ebough s=if she doesn't want to involve me in the pregnancy but there has been no other contact......... not even with the kids. IMO thats quite low.

Shhhh Mon 18-Jul-11 11:17:02

turquoise, after the major cross words around 2 months ago I text back saying I apologised for what was said (I didn't but even her current state I didn't want to add to things further), said that whatever happens if she needs me she knows where I am. Told her a wish her all the best for the pregnancy.

I have heard nothing back.

In fact, the more I type the more annoyed I get. I don't expect to live in her pockets but I expect some kind of recognition.

As I said before, our relationship prior to the pregnancy was cival, we spoke more than we ever had, text etc. Most from her end. Bordom texts iykwim.

She is also being the same with mum, but mum to scared to miss out on the future child. Shame really as she is walking on egg shells.

My sister has always been a cow to me and I have ignored it and gone back for more. "Oh thats the way she is" etc but now im more annoyed that I allowed it to go on for so long.

turquoisetumble Mon 18-Jul-11 11:28:30

I can understand how your mum must be terrified, it sounds like your sister could quite easily decide that she should have no contact with her grandchild.

I know you expect recognition, we all do, but I don't think you are going to get it. I think continuing to engage with your sister will leave you hurt, bitter and resentful.

For that reason, I think it's better you just step down from the relationship. Stop expecting anything. Just be civil, tell her she's welcome, respect her requests not to get involved in parts of her life and treat her like a cousin who drops by occasionally. It is sad. Most of us have a dream of a close, happy family, but the reality is often a lot more complex.

I think this is draining you. Concentrate on yourself and your family. Your sister is concentrating on hers.

PorkChopSter Mon 18-Jul-11 11:35:27

You said she never wanted children? Perhaps pregnancy is a real shock to her and the last thing she can cope with is her done-it-all-before little sister telling her what to do?

Having her own family on the way might be making her re-evaluate all sorts of things from her childhood.

Or it could be something else.

But the last thing you should do is push her into contact. Back off and let her know you are there.

Shhhh Mon 18-Jul-11 11:40:05

turquoise,you post has totally made sense.

I have just got very upset with it and just spoken to dh about it all.... I guess its been eating away at me and this morning its made me come for advice here... Thankyou..

porkchop, can I just make you aware: im not a done it all little sister telling her what to do. Not once in this pregnancy or even her life have I told her what to do.

I have been the little sister who has taken crap off her (babysitting me with knives, salt in my drinks etc,had her friends call me names and she never backed me up) and I have notv re-acted till now.

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