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Update on thread where I was worried about my friend meeting dating site guy 3months ago

(20 Posts)
giraffesCantZumba Mon 18-Jul-11 06:15:13

Can't find op - have searched! In publuc dates he had made huge displays of buying her stuff, said things like "I could keep you in this cave and no one would know", "I want to pin you to the ground with clothes pegs" and "I cant introduce you to my friends they will all want to sleep with you/leave wifes for you" etc. When she went to his flat for first time I had posted on here as was so worried.

Fast forward 3 and a bit months.

They have had numerous fall outs. Mainly over his jealousy. was her birthday night out sat and I met him. And my sober eyes observed -

-He came in in a mood and had her running after him.
-friend and I sat on bench talking, space opposite and on other side but he squeezed between us and put arms round her, the way a jealous toddler does
-stalked off as she was chatting to a male friend...I noticed he his behind a pillar and just kept peeking out and spying on her
-told her off for dancing
-I took photo of her after she fell doing limbo (not hurt&laughing) he grabbed my arm and tried to get camera off me, I pulled away and he looked at me with pure anger and stormed off
-after I left he told her she was acting like a slut, her skirt too short, she whouldnt be out with male friends too as they all wanted to sleep with her
-she has also told me he has told her to grown her hair long, pointed out her spots, corrected the way she speaks (she has a hons degree&a masters - he has neither and yet she thinking she is thick now)
-oh and "I am giving up smoking for you so you should give me a blow job"
-pressuring by sulking in to sex with no condom

Yesterday she told me all this. She was believing its her fault, she needs to change etc etc. This is the most unique, individual and head strong girl I have known. she would wear random things because SHE liked them. He has her ground down after 3 months. Anyway she saw some of the light yesterday and wanted my support in trying to end it (3 attempts before resulted in him making her feel guilty, paranoid and feeling sorry for him)

I listened in to phone call and told her what to say when she floundered - he went from guilt trip, anger at her, all her fault, she imagining it etc.

Anyway that done we went for dinner. He kept phoning and texting, we ignored.

Next thing I know I thought friend was having a break down, put head on table crying saying hes here hes watching me. sure enough he was sitting on a wall accross road staring at her through a window. smoking. (he knows she doesnt like smoking) Transpires he figured out where we would be (?) came in and WATCHED US! then went out side and watched through window.

She spoke to him and told him in no uncertain terms over, but he used a lot of emotional black mail/tears/guilt. now she feels like the bad one.

I have never ever seen such a dramatic change in someone and seen sch obvious controlling behaviour. i joked to her - "look I have been off work lots and seen jeremy kyle, this is how they work, he wont change, I bet he has been on cannibus as well since so paranoid" - and yup turns out he has!

Had to how her womens aid emotional abuse site. Anyway point I am making is those first instincts I had were correct - so trust your instincts!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 18-Jul-11 06:27:07

Oh well done for keeping on with her, do you think she'll stick to the 'over' part? He sounds fucking terrifying.

HairyGrotter Mon 18-Jul-11 06:53:43

He sounds horrendous, hope your friend is well shot. Good for you for being there, keep us updated!

giraffesCantZumba Mon 18-Jul-11 06:56:26

I think so if she doesnt answer phone to him. Have warned her he may try to plead depression/suicidal thoughts - in which case told her she needs to advise him to seek appropriate support. If she answers phone she may agree to meet him. Yesterday he told her he loved her. I said "I am so sorry but he doesn't. He loves to control you. If he loved you he wouldn't try to bully you in to things/want you to wear trousers not skirts etc" Felt bad for saying it but it needed to be said.

BeansGloriousBeans Mon 18-Jul-11 07:03:14

I would Tell her to get a restraining order if that behaviour continues (the turning up at restaurant). You cannot underestimate the seriousness of that sort of 'stalking' behaviour. I have some experience of this through my work and the earlier an official record of behaviour is being made then the better if he his as bad as you think he is. Until he makes an actual threat, by text/phone/Facebook anything the police can't really help but if he does then any previous complaints can be noted too. Sorry if I sound like I'm being dramatic and hopefully it won't come to any of this but he does sound like an abuser (emotionally and sexually so far...).

HairyGrotter Mon 18-Jul-11 07:05:21

He is certainly showing signs of Stalking behaviour, which as BGB said, get written down and reported. The sooner he is aware of your friends seriousness, the better.

giraffesCantZumba Mon 18-Jul-11 07:08:16

I agree.

And potentially physically too - grabbed my arm when angry at me. (taking sexual photos of her?! I have known her since I was 2yrs old, we went to toddlers, nursery, primary, secondary and university together! She is like a sister!)

I made sure she text saying "I do not want to see or speak to you again. Do not contact me" and told her not to delete it. So clear evidence of that. As I was thinking along same lines.

i dont think you sound dramatic, I think he is psychotic. (sp?) The looks he gave me were pure evil - he knows I see through him i am sure.

HairyGrotter Mon 18-Jul-11 07:10:20

Has he still got the sexual photos? He may well use that against her, she needs to ride it out but report any behaviour that is unacceptable

giraffesCantZumba Mon 18-Jul-11 07:11:38

As we are old friends he said "oh I bet you have lots of stories about her?" I said "Oh yes haha" He asked for some and I said "Oooh no she knows for too much about me too!"

He stormed off from me (This was when I first met him and thought friendly casual chat!) - apparently I was winding him up, that I had said she had lots of secrets and that she was up to something.

giraffesCantZumba Mon 18-Jul-11 07:13:03

No no its me who took apparently "seual pics" - were doing limbo (under arms) on dance floor. She fell on knees and laughing. I took pic.

Apparently that pic was slutty and sexual and I shouldnt have taken it?!

HairyGrotter Mon 18-Jul-11 07:15:43

Ah right, yeah, he's really quite worrying. I genuinely hope your friend can shake him off and soon, seems she plucked a right sort.

Hope he doesn't cause her too much bother, I really do.

countingto10 Mon 18-Jul-11 07:44:59

This article gives valuable advice on "losers" and how to end relationships with them safely.

Good Luck - BTW my sister is dating (and possibly married secretly) a loser (complete with criminal record for soliciting a minor in the States shock), met on the internet hmm. I hope for her sake he is not as bad as we all think - none of us have met him.

Yes, amass evidence now and inform the police as soon as possible: this man is dangerous. Restraining orders are not that difficult to get and in these circumstances (not married, no DC, no shared house or assets) it is perfectly possible for her to have him forced out of her life legally.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix Mon 18-Jul-11 10:21:37

Bloody hell giraffes. If it wasn't for the fact I recognise your name I would not be believing this. It's crazy sad how horrible. She's lucky you are looking out for her x

samhaircin Mon 18-Jul-11 11:09:13

She might be able to block his number on her phone so that she no longers receives calls and messages from him. If she contacts her service provider they should be able to help with that. If this doesn't work (e.g. they cannot do it for some reason, or he just rings from another number) she could change numbers (I know changing numbers is a nuisance but he sounds so crazy it would be worth the hassle in this case). He sounds very scary to me.

He sounds like a very scary individual. It wouldn't hurt to contact the local police station and just give them a heads up. I doubt this is the first time he's behaved in this manner. I really hope your friend stands firm.

AbbyAbsinthe Mon 18-Jul-11 11:39:33

What a horrible man sad - she's lucky that she has a good friend like you to look out for her.

Can I just make a point though? Not all men from internet dating are bad guys... you are just as likely to meet a wrong 'un anywhere else, pubs, clubs etc. I know several people that have very happy, healthy relationships with people they met online.

giraffesCantZumba Mon 18-Jul-11 22:20:58

Oh agree about internet thing.

fuzzpig I dont blame you , it sounds glaringly obviosu to me like taken stright off a womens aid page or something. But sadly every word true. Popped round for 5 min today when passing and she said he has turned up outside house, written 2 page letter, loads of texts. angry he making her feel guilty etc.

clothesoverbros Tue 19-Jul-11 10:33:51

there was a really interesting interview with someone from Liberty on the tv the other day, in reference to the proposed 'Clare's law' regarding domestic violence. She was saying that the police have the discretion to tell someone if they feel that they may be in danger. So, data protection rules would not apply if an individual wanted to find out if a partner / ex-partner had a history of similar behaviour for example. There does not need to be a law as the police can already do this.

I'm not sure if she'd need to go to the police herself, but he sounds really scary and it's got to be worth asking if he has done this before so she knows what she is dealing with.

A friend had a scary ex who phoned her for years after they split up. She moved but kept her number and every time he phoned she just put the phone down. She didn't engage with him at all. Sometimes her DH would answer if it was an unknown number. He did get the message eventually.

Apocalypto Tue 19-Jul-11 10:49:06

I've dated people like this character, and IME (admittedly limited), all those terrible things they say will happen if you dump them never actually do.

I learned to deal with blackmailers by shrugging and inviting them to do their worst. You don't have to give a shit about them, because they clearly don't give a shit about you. Nobody blackmails someone they genuinely care about.

He does sound scary, and it's good you've had a chance to observe all this. In a relationship you don't go along knocking stakes into the ground and then looking back and saying "That was when it went wrong". You just adjust to the way it is because there's rarely one tipping point or act that marks the other person out as a nutter. You just wake up one day and think Shit, when did I get used to living like this?

In this case, the mate seems at risk of adjusting to this nutter's idea of normal, so it is good you've been able to list examples of behaviour that's far from it.

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