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Should I run or should I wait and see?

(35 Posts)
LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 17-Jul-11 17:37:34

I have been talking to a new and attractive man for 5 months online and spent time with him twice. We share a common hobby which is quite unusual. He is excellent company when we meet or chat and wants our friendship to progress slowly and get to know me as a "best friend". So far so good.

BUT He works in a very male world and has little knowledge of women. He has three teenage kids from a failed marriage and has lost touch with them as his ex is "deranged". He was hard hit by the financial divorce settlement and is bitter about it. She claims he has Aspergers syndrome (he doesn't!) He desperately wants to put this right but doesn't know how.

He refers to other ex girlfriends as "nutters" and has tried to imply I am "bonkers" or "loony" at times apparently as a joke.

His sex life in recent times has mainly been solo activities with porn which he says is "normal for men". When we went to bed it almost felt like he was alarmed that I initiated anything or responded to him sexually, although not displeased. He won't discuss this with me though.

He fails to answer the phone. He is extremely secretive and will not plan ahead as his job apparently does not allow this. This may well be true. He seems to have very few friends and no contact with his family.

Now wise women of MN is there any point prolonging this? This man is clearly damaged but at bottom rather sweet and keen to have relationship but it is like getting to know a hermit crab. What would you do?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 17-Jul-11 17:39:44

Run away fast. Lots of red flags here.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 17-Jul-11 17:44:16

I know. But there is no need to run as he isn't chasing!

My ex was the other end of the spectrum from this guy, endlessly wanting to talk about his feelings but did nothing useful to help me. This guy is a whirlwind of practical help and shows by actions rather than words.
I have quite enjoyed the contrast but agree sadly it unlikely to work out as he is so strange.

I am not in love with him by the way! I just enjoyed the picture he painted online of the future he wanted. But I dont think he can deliver in real life. Sad for him!

Alambil Sun 17-Jul-11 17:47:43

The fact that ALL the women in his life, past and present are "barmy" and "insane" is the biggest alarm you will get.

The fact that he was shocked that a woman would want to be proactive during sex is a big alarm too.

I'd cut anything and everything you have to do with him and look for the type of man you deserve

beatenbyayellowteacup Sun 17-Jul-11 17:48:06

Don't waste your time and find someone more fulfilling.

<note: am also preaching to myself here>

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 17-Jul-11 18:05:27

LewisFan I agree, but he did say (as a compliment!) that I was "a guy in a woman's body" which in his macho world makes me okay I think.

He is too strange isn't he? I think I shall keep him as an occasional friend and not expect him to shape up as a boyfriend.

Alambil Sun 17-Jul-11 18:07:27

he's not strange - he's grooming you to see how far you'll accept his "compliments" and "truths". He knows full well what he is doing.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 17-Jul-11 18:16:47

Hmm I am not sure that he is that sophisticated. I think he is more ignorant and oblivious with a large bit of empathy missing because of his job.

By the way I have called him on all this stuff. He got a rude awakening over his attitude to porn and objectifying women, which he took well. I have made it clear that continuing to fail his children would make him a no go zone for most sane women, including me. I am good at plain speaking and have nothing to lose here.

This is useful. I am talking myself out of bothering with him. I am not here to fix him!

buzzsore Sun 17-Jul-11 18:36:48

Exes that are all 'nutters' - red flag
Bitter about settlement/divorce -red flag
Lost contact with his children - makes him unlikeable in my eyes
'Joking' about you hurtfully - red flag
Suggesting you're a 'nutter' too - red flag
Secretive - red flag
Won't answer phone/hard to contact - red flag
Won't plan ahead (but expects you to drop everything for him, right?) - red flag
few/no friends - red flag
estranged from family - red flag

Too many red flags, and there are probably ones I've missed out! grin Some of those could be dismissed or within realms of normality, but all of them together?

No, you're not here to fix him, I'd recommend the heave-ho for him.

pinkytheshrinky Sun 17-Jul-11 18:42:48

agree - your gut is telling you to run and run you should

AnyFucker Sun 17-Jul-11 22:48:57

he is a twat

stick around for more twattery if you like, but be warned

weirdness is cute for about five fucking minutes

oliviasmama Sun 17-Jul-11 22:52:12

run, without doubt.

elastamum Sun 17-Jul-11 22:53:01

AF speaks the truth (as usual).

Do yourself a favour and go out and find someone normal and nice

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 17-Jul-11 22:54:02

What AF said... As usual.

Gotabookaboutit Sun 17-Jul-11 23:23:05

Start the engines .....

shocked2 Sun 17-Jul-11 23:23:34

Hi OP, why would his ex wife make empty claims that he has Aspergers? I'd say they could be more than possibly true.

LittleHousebytheRiver Mon 18-Jul-11 06:43:39

Morming all. Thanks for your input which I have to agree with. Oh well it was fun at times! And interesting to experience the other end of the spectrum from my ex.

Shocked2 I am sure they are not empty claims but I am a health care professional with some experience and although this guy has a very unusual personality and extreme male characteristics he is not lacking in empathy and understanding he just chooses to shut down I think. Doesn't matter why though, and I won't waste any more of my life trying to understand him.

It has been hugely helpful putting this down in black and white. I love MN

LittleHousebytheRiver Sat 10-Sep-11 20:45:05

I'm updating to remind myself this guy is a Loser despite being beautiful and funny. After two months he suddenly turned up on my doorstep last week and stayed for supper. We had a great time and I was won over again.
He has spent the week cheerfully sending messages and flattering me.

Then today he suddenly changed a plan to see me without warning. And I remembered that I had vowed he was history and he has wheedled his way back in again.

Bugger! I know AF and the rest of you are all right, he is trouble and I need to delete him! I will be strong.

babyhammock Sat 10-Sep-11 20:56:30

How do you know he really has empathy. I expect its just an impression he is giving you if ALL the other red falgs are anything to go by. He knows how to play the game!
RUN RUN RUN!!!!! x

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 10-Sep-11 21:10:52

RUN! Delete him, but only after you tell him you don't want to continue this any further, and would appreciate no further contact from him.

I know how easy it is to think, "Oh, they're really pretty cool and sexy after all" but really, life is too long to be with someone who really doesn't have respect for women as one of his core values.

And where was he for two months? What makes him think he can waltz back in?

LittleHousebytheRiver Sat 10-Sep-11 21:20:40

I have a sneaking suspicion that he actually has a cruel streak and has enjoyed getting me to admit I like him before vanishing again. He made a point of saying he wouldn't have sex with me while I am still just separated, but then stripped off naked almost to taunt me (rain related).

Being a friendly good-natured person I gave him the benefit of the doubt every time something unkind happened, but actually he is a shit and I have been deluding myself. AT least I saw it coming!

Always listen to MN.

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 10-Sep-11 21:24:54

He does sound like a bit of a shit. Why does he get to decide if you are ready for sex or not?

He sounds controlling. Have you dumped hm yet?

LittleHousebytheRiver Sat 10-Sep-11 21:35:00

He is almost a case study for us on a Red Flag inventory.

He disapproved if I drank beer, ate junk food, or put on weight.
He could get very angry with the government, his employer or "civilians".

I think he liked self control and controlling others.
but he wasn't nasty about it, he was funny and loving.

NO I haven't dumped him. I have ignored him.

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 10-Sep-11 21:48:15

God I know the Red Flag Inventory.

Controlling others isn't funny and loving though, is it?!

Good, just keep ignoring.

Or dump him.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sat 10-Sep-11 22:03:42

OK. I dumped him in an email as he wasn't answering his phone as usual.
(More controlling behaviour. He chooses when to talk)

It is all he deserves.

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