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Everyman Project

10 replies

littlegreenapples · 17/07/2011 10:21

Does anyone have any views on the Everyman Project as my ex was going to attend but a pre-condition is that he must sign a contract that includes, amongst other things, to furnish them with my details so that they can inform me of his attendance. He objected to me being informed as we have been separated for over three years (we are not married) and feels it is an invasion of his privacy and in particular a violation of article eight of the HRA ( the right to respect for private and family life) and I am inclined to agree with him.

Any input would be appreciated to get a balance view.

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notsorted · 17/07/2011 10:53

Hi apples,

tell us a bit more detail if you can? Why is he going? Do you have children? Is it to do with your relationship or a subsequent one?
I'm curious as I've found out a bit about it as coming out of abusive relationship and there are concerns about whether mine is going to manage his DS safely.
What I've found so far is that they want exes contact details so they can keep them informed of attendance and how he's doing. Think it's a way of programme ensuring that attendee doesn't minimise/leave out important parts of previous behaviour.
I called respect phoneline and talked to someone there who was very helpful. I should imagine that if he goes and they have your details you can mutually or separately agree how much involvement you want to have.
If he is serious about going and you think he needs to address stuff then that's good news and a great choice for him to make. It's not an easy ride apparently.

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littlegreenapples · 17/07/2011 11:39

Notsorted:

He has his own personal reasons for attending. I have no concerns regarding our daughter but feel that a pre-condition to his attending that I have to be informed is morally wrong. He is a grown man and why should I have to be informed of his attendance? It does not sit well with him and me for that matter. It is his life and smacks of big brother controlling his movements.

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notsorted · 17/07/2011 11:58

That sounds really strong and a great thing. If you and he are agreed on that and you say that very firmly then they should accept it.
Given the reasons many people get involved then they are probably understandably cautious that there is some malign reason why you and he are saying no either together or separately. And I guess HRA curtails those rights if someone is in potential danger especially with children involved. 1If he wants to go and feels that this is a block then it's good that you are supporting his decision, however, obliquely to go and by saying what you feel.
If they stick on this being a precondition then it sounds big brother-esque. Just as he can't be made to attend, you can't be made to be involved and they should be happy he is volunteering to go.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2011 12:05

I would also ask why he is going on such a programme; was he told to do so by the court?. His behaviour is his responsibility.

Your ex is your ex for good reason; do not let this issue of his become yours to own. Think its a bit rich of him to now start quoting the Human Rights act actually.

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littlegreenapples · 17/07/2011 12:27

Attila:

You have taken it completely out of context and I find your comment somewhat harsh.

He has not been told to attend by a Court. He has taken a year off and decided to attend many different programs as he does have some anger issues and is looking to explore all avenues. But to be fair many men have anger issues and in his case the basis of which were form from a dysfunctional childhood. He wants to be an open book and neither of us is looking for reconciliation so what concern is it of theirs that I must be inform? I actually think he is brave to explore himself in this way. And why should he not be concern with the HRA issue?

Don?t assume all relationships come to an end because of abusive behaviour.

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notsorted · 17/07/2011 13:49

Sounds like the everyman project may be a bit too extreme then?
It is aimed at Domestic Abuse/Violence perpetrators so does he fit into this category?

If you want to be an 'open book' then jumping down on their demanding openness by citing HRA suggests that he has lots of agendas or isn't prepared to follow their rules. If it's not ok then don't go, but don't fight the provider on issue that they deem appropriate, go find another course?

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littlegreenapples · 17/07/2011 14:23

Notsorted:

I think many of us can benefit from counselling to explore difficult areas in our past lives but that is not the purpose of this discussion. If the Every Man Project were a public authority say like the NHS who directly provided a counselling service they would not be allowed to impose such a condition as it contravenes the HRA but because they are a registered charity they can as they are not governed by the act. This to me suggests that they are riding rough shot over people and I can understand his annoyance.

I myself am attending counselling arranged through my Doctor and I for one would be outraged had they told me that the service was not available to me unless I agreed that my ex of three years had to be informed. To say he has agendas is far too simplistic. He has a thought process and questions the legality and reasonableness of such a condition.

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neuroticmumof3 · 17/07/2011 14:39

I think it's done to keep partners and ex partners safe and as a way of checking whether or not a man has changed. If your ex doesn't agree to their conditions then maybe it's not the right programme for him.

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notsorted · 17/07/2011 15:14

Dear Apples,
not quite sure why you are getting into a state about this one? But some of the partners/exes of people who do go on those courses have been literally put in fear of their lives/their childrens lives. They may be continually going back to an abusive partner in the hope they can change and the partner may still be a real danger to them.
That's why the partners/exes need to have some knowledge of what's going on and have opportunity to find out if person is making sufficient changes to be safe.
There can be issues re safety of child contact. Abusers are by their natures deceitful, adept at pushing blame on others or minimising hurt their acts have caused to vulnerable partners and children. And it's known that abusers will continue to lie/minimise their responsibility or even not do the course and lie that they are still attending.
Please don't go down standing up for HRA on some soapbox of state interference. Good for you that your ex is exploring his issues, but for those who are subject to domestic violence, who desperately hope their partners are capable of change and are perhaps not aware of their vulnerability to a violent partner/ex then involvement is key.
Sounds like you both have an abstract issue with this, rather than real frightening experience of what it's like to be hurt, humiliated, used.

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littlegreenapples · 17/07/2011 15:16

Neroticmumof3:

I have read the Every Man website and they put forward the reason being to safe guard ex partners. I fail to see how it can safe guard and still perceive it as an intrusion both in his and my personal life.

I mention it to my new partner and he agrees that post three years what my ex does (unless it concerns our daughter) should be and is none of my concern. There is already a Metropolitan Police policy document in force concerning domestic abuse and various laws available that the police can use to intervene in such circumstances. It does not follow logically that because he is opposed to a condition that the programme is not for him.