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Is everyone's sex life like this?

(45 Posts)
itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:19:03

Okay- bear with me. Name changed.

After years and years with DP I have begun to find his techniques a turn off. We had a quickie this morning and it was just plain...boring.

I am very embarrassed to admit this but the big O with DP has never happened. There, said it. I get so far, and he gets so turned on- he almost comes with the excitement of me getting excited- and I mean when he's not even inside me- that I hold back and go off the boil. His over-excitement puts me under pressure, if that makes sense?

He's also a quiet sort of bloke and that makes me a bit repressed. So I hold back.

But lately our repetoire seems to have become even more limited. Quick feel and kiss of the boobs, play down below ( for as long as I want, I have to say) , and then he's ready for it. And I am not.

He rarely goes down on me as he has this idea I don't like it. I do, but because he hardly does it, I think he doesn't like it- even though he says he does. So I won't ask him to as I feel he isn't keen. So it's become a bit of an elephant in the room.

I really don't know if we are simply not "right" for each other, if the chemistry is not there, or what. I feel very detached all the time, as if it's happening to someone else.

Anyone?

Al0uiseG Sun 17-Jul-11 10:22:53

Do you ever take the lead and do what you want?

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:25:39

Meaning?
I want him to do things to me! Such as recognise my body doesn't consist simply of a fanjo and boobs.

Al0uiseG Sun 17-Jul-11 10:32:34

Do things to him and tell him what you want him to do to you. If you want him to go down on you sit on his face, he might take the hint grin it sounds as if you're in a bit of a rut but unless he has a fully functioning crystal ball he won't actually know what's going on in your mind and what you want from him. It's easy to get into a rut and it's just as easy to change it.

It sounds as if you find him inept, has it always been like this or has it gone off the boil recently?

rainbowtoenails Sun 17-Jul-11 10:33:55

Get him to watch that episode of friends where monica tells chandler about womens 7 erogenous zones.

BertieBotts Sun 17-Jul-11 10:34:01

Can you not talk to him about it? I understand it must be a daunting thought if you've been together for years and never really talked about sex, but that's the immediate difference I can see between what you describe and mine and DP's sex life. We talk about things, we say what we do and don't like, if one of us doesn't orgasm, we mention it (doesn't always get rectified but that's not a big deal either)

You fancied him/found him sexually exciting at some time, yes? So it might be just that you've settled into a routine of what did work, and without being in the habit of discussing it, it hasn't been developing and changing.

Could you start off discussion by suggesting something new? I know asking straight out for what you want is scary, I still find it scary even though me and DP talk quite easily about sex. But a suggestion or a "Look at this website I found/thread on mumsnet/etc"

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:36:38

He's always been a bit ineptsad He's very willing, but won't talk much, and was very shy for years- shy about me seeing him naked etc.
I'd like him to be a bit more forceful whereas he pussy foots around trying not to do anything I won't like- but at the same time not doing anything I do like much! I want him to be a bit more Alpha male , which I'd find a turn-on. He's also not very imaginative when it comes to touching me....

BertieBotts Sun 17-Jul-11 10:37:14

Oh! If he's focusing a lot just on those areas, try banning them completely. Set yourself a challenge. You have to turn each other on without touching anywhere which would normally be covered by underwear. The first to crack loses. I'm sure you can dream up a suitable forfeit! wink

It's very interesting as you end up very sensitive.

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:41:16

sorryBB crossed posts.
In many ways I can see that some women might find his approach lovely- he is gentle and considerate- but for me he hangs back too much- for fear of hurting me ( I had op after DC2) etc etc. I did find he turned me on initially, but after about 18 months it was wearing off , but then DCs came along and we have sort of just stuck with an on-off sex life for years. I don't know if we can ever get back to where we were.

ilovedora27 Sun 17-Jul-11 10:41:38

No I always orgasm but then I am quite forward in asking for what I like. No one knows if you dont tell them.

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:43:28

lol- he has a repertoire which consists of kiss boobs, fondle boobs, make his way down below for a feel around- sorry it TMI here- then after a certain amount of time he thinks it's okay to climb on.

Boooooooooooooring.

Al0uiseG Sun 17-Jul-11 10:44:18

Did either of you have much previous experience? Are you contemplating an affair or fling to see what it could be like?

Bluegrass Sun 17-Jul-11 10:44:30

It sounds as though you see sex as something he should do to you, meaning all the responsibility is on him to make it good. You might want an alpha male to ravish you, but perhaps he is going through the motions as he dreams of a woman who takes the lead and does things to him. This is why talking is so important, you both need to know what the other wants and work with that.

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:44:30

What else should we be doing? grin

You could try getting one of those 'couples games' from Ann Summers or whatever, where you do things like roll dice or draw cards to pick which part of your body is going to be kissed, licked, stroked etc. They are cheesy but they can be fun as well, and it's a good way of finding new erogenous zones on each other.

SimplySerene Sun 17-Jul-11 10:46:41

Talk to him.

"I want him to do things to me!"
How on Earth is he supposed to know what you want him to "do to you"?
(Incidentally, what are the things you "do to him"? Do you know how he would like you to give him pleasure?)

Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Stop faking orgasms. Be the real you.

Bluegrass Sun 17-Jul-11 10:46:55

What exciting things are you doing to him? (that is a rhetorical question, I don't need details!).

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:47:17

I'd had about 5 men before him and he's had the same number- of women- I think.

No, course I am not thinking of an affair to compare- I just wanted to know if everyone gets into a rut.

I don't think I see sex as something he should do to me, but surely if I want to feel turned on he has to do some things?

NotDavidTennant Sun 17-Jul-11 10:47:25

So he won't go down on you because he thinks you don't like it, but secretly you do, and you won't ask him to do it, because even though he says he likes it, you think he secretly doesn't?

Basically, I think you have two options:

1) Wait for a rare once in a lifetime astrological alignment of the planets which will lead to the awakening of his dormant sixth sense and enable him to instantly read your mind and understand your every intimate desire.

Or

2) Go the mundane route and talk to him about your sexual needs and desires in an open and frank way, and stop trying to second guess that he means one thing when he tells you another.

Seeing as option 1 doesn't seem to be working out to well for you at the moment, perhaps you could think about giving option 2 a try? wink

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:48:16

SS lol- I have NEVER faked it in my life!

AKissIsNotAContract Sun 17-Jul-11 10:50:52

He's a not a mind reader, you need to communicate with him. Especially if you want him to be more forceful - (if that is a euphemism for what I'm thinking then you definitely need to negotiate boundarys and possibly safe words). You can't just expect him to know you want your sex life to change if you don't talk about it.

FabbyChic Sun 17-Jul-11 10:53:52

I was married for seven years, and after a while it became routine, he would kiss my boobs, play with me, then go down on me and it was the same every time, after a while I started counting the dots on the ceiling, or watching tv over his shoulder.

We split up.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 17-Jul-11 10:55:51

If you can't face talking to him, can't you just move his hand or head to where you would prefer it to be?

SimplySerene Sun 17-Jul-11 10:55:51

So your partner knows that you have never had an orgasm during sex with him?

itsnotfridaynightbut Sun 17-Jul-11 10:56:46

no it's def. not a euphemism. I just want him not to be sooooo careful not to do the wrong thing! It's like- metaphorically- being poked gently with a stick to see if you move.
Years back he used to kiss me all over. Now it's boobs and fondle fanjo only.
I know he can't mind read- I really do know that. But I would like him to ask what I like, as otherwise it makes me sound like I am barking out orders. Then there's the risk that when I say I like something, he will fix on that for another 6 months and not use his imagination to deviate slightly....

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