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Removing ex p's last name from ds's, possible?

(24 Posts)
bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 22:04:38

Ex P has abandoned DS in the truest sense of he word. There relationship has been strained for well....ever.

Ex P is a violent aggressive and ultimately abusive man. This resulted in beating me so badly when I was pregnant I was hospitalized with broken and and nose etc. I was an idiot and stuck by him even through a restraining order after he beat me up and left DS i an incredibly dangerous position.

Despite this I have still fought hard for Ds and ex p to have a relationship independent of me (to hard possibly), hard when he turns up drunk or on drugs fro the night before.

The violence didn't stop with me and DS did on occasion bear the brunt. Ex p has i the past grabbed DS so hard around the arm etc it has bruised.

SO any way no that ex p and I are not and he can't control us he has ZERO interest in DS and has made no effort to contact him at important times. There relationship is over and now I have I can't stand he thought of DS having this mans name over mine and my family's who love and adore him through the most testing time bought about by ex p.

bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 22:05:50

Pardon the typos blush

bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 22:32:34

Please any one? sad

buzzsore Sat 16-Jul-11 22:39:07

I think you can only legally change the child's name with the ex's permission if he has parental responsibility. He may agree to this if he's no interest in the child.

If not, I think you can use whatever name you like day to day, so you could double-barrel it or just use your own surname for most things. But I could be talking rubbish, so recommend you talk to CAB or a solicitor.

buzzsore Sat 16-Jul-11 22:41:00

You might be able to change it through the courts as well, given your circumstances, if the ex won't give permission. I think there are avenues you can take. Get legal advice.

bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 22:43:29

Thank you. I can't stand it any longer especially now that his friends have started asking were his dad is and despite trying really hard I find it incredibly difficult to talk about ex p let alone use his name for my beautiful boy.

bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 22:45:10

Im not sure ex will agree to it as his method of being out of DS's life is just to not do any thing and be completely un-proactive.

DHwonTheDadsRace Sat 16-Jul-11 22:45:24

Def ask a solicitor. Usually need consent of dad, but court can allow it, would involve CAFCASS for statements, and if ds is old enough, his views taken into account. Court would also seek dad's views.

bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 22:55:35

I genuinely (and i really am not exaggerating) think that ex p may have a mental issues. Problem being that he exhibits all the characteristics of a psychopath. Could charm the pants of a nun but is actually the most cold, calculated bully I have ever come across. Opinion of father would be tricky as he could easily use things such as my ED (some thing he caused) against me and try to discredit me. Also very hard as I have no idea of his were abouts or even if he has a fixed abode.

oliviasmama Sat 16-Jul-11 23:07:50

If his name is on birth certificate, he has to agree to this through the correct channels ie courts however you can use your family name for him on a day to day basis or as someone else mentioned earlier, double barrel it. My solicitor advised me to just start using my surname if I wished.

oliviasmama Sat 16-Jul-11 23:08:55

as my XP's name is on our daughters birth certificate. I double barrelled my DD's.

bristolcities Sat 16-Jul-11 23:15:12

I just feel gutted totally destroyed that my son will never have a proper dad but still have to carry on with his name. It just now seems like a right that should be earned. I have no idea why I let DS have his name in the first place. I knew I would be doing the graft, guess I thought this might happen and in a way thought that giving ds ex p name might stop him going awol. What a mug.

Thank you all for the advise. I will try to contact ex p but wont hold my breath he isn't answering calls or responding to messages at the moment.

buzzsore Sat 16-Jul-11 23:20:11

Don't bother trying to talk to your ex about it, just go get legal advice. And as I said, you can probably just use your own name or double-barrel it without needing him to agree to it.

TheFeministsWife Sun 17-Jul-11 00:05:47

It's probably different now, but DH grew up using his mum's maiden name (now my married name and our dd's names). His dad (also abusive twunt) left when he was a baby so he never knew him. His mum just started using her maiden name for both DH and BIL after she was divorced. When we registered to get married he had to provide his birth certificate which had his dad's name as DH's surname on it. Because all his ID was his mum's maiden name (NI card, bank card's etc) it wasn't a problem it says on our marriage certificate "DH K..... formally known as H.......). His mum never changed his name legally. So I'm not sure if the same could work for your DS? Just start using your name for him.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 17-Jul-11 00:13:11

How old is your DS and how does he feel about the name change?

oliviasmama Sun 17-Jul-11 06:33:05

dont bother contacting XP, just change it to your name as from today if thats what you want to do. how old is your DS?

ProcrastinatorGeneral Sun 17-Jul-11 08:34:45

My surname isn't the same as the one on my birth certificate. If you use a name for 'x' nmber of years, it becomes yours, and you can get bank accounts nd such just fine. I have passport etc. with my name, and the name change was never effected through 'legal channels'.

You just need to start changing the name. School, doctor, dentist etc.

prh47bridge Sun 17-Jul-11 09:08:42

Despite what some recent posters have said, you cannot legally just change your son's name if your ex has parental responsibility, which he will have if he is named on the birth certificate. You cannot even use a different name day to day. You either need his agreement to the change or, if he will not agree, a Specific Issue Order from the courts. Be warned that the courts place a lot of value on the child retaining a link with the father so it is difficult to get an SIO for a name change.

Once he is an adult your son is free to take any name he wants. At that point, as ProcrastinatorGeneral says, he could simply use a new name for a number of years although it would be easier if he changes by Deed Poll. However, until your son becomes an adult the law states that you need the consent of all those with PR to change his name.

want2sleep Sun 17-Jul-11 09:28:57

you can go to court to have parental responsibility removed because of your circumstances. I think ex will have to agree in court though but do you have good have hospital records...what about ds bruises did you get it recorded at gp etc?
Seek expert legal advice.

Tonksforthememories Sun 17-Jul-11 09:38:51

You can use a different name day to day, my best friend's DD1 uses her stepfather's name for everything. The name on her birth certificate is her father's and he's nowhere near as bad as the exP in these circumstances.

No one batted an eyelid.

bristolcities Sun 17-Jul-11 10:02:58

Thank you all for the advise. He uses my name at nursery, just wanted to make it official.

I would imagine there are hospital records from the incident when I was pregnant. There are definitely police records from when DS was little. I dropped the charges but they still proceed with a conviction and restraining order.

I am going to seek legal advice asap even if its just for peace of mind.

HerHissyness Sun 17-Jul-11 10:49:45

My DS uses my name for day to day and in school, but officially he is registered as his father's name. Some documents he gets from school are in my surname, others are in X's surname. DS birth certificate and passport are in that name, nothing I can do. I will get encourage him to change the name by deed poll when he's 16.

In your circumstances, there may be a way, I have heard that it can be done in certain cases, yours I would feel ought to fall within that. See if you can get some good advice from the CAB.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Mon 18-Jul-11 15:58:32

prh, my passport was applied for and granted before I turned 18. I wonder if the rules have been squeezed a little since? The only paper I have with my birth name on it is my birth certificate. I've never been formally adopted or had a legal name-change. Bizarre.

janajos Tue 19-Jul-11 21:03:08

Your ex will only have pr by default if your DS was born after 2003 (I think, not quite sure of the date!) If he is older than that, you don't need to have his permission.

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