Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I a big red flag?

(225 Posts)
beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 16-Jul-11 21:39:31

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

hester Sat 16-Jul-11 21:42:35

If I was looking for a life partner, I would be taking notice of issues like coke use and financial stability, tbh. However, repeatedly grilling you to provide some kind of guarantees that you meet his high standards? After only 7 weeks?? That is HUGE red flags and I think you are right to be very concerned about this man.

I have no idea whether or not you are a good catch. I'm pretty certain he is not.

TaudrieTattoo Sat 16-Jul-11 21:42:54

I think he sounds like a judgmental idiot and you could do a lot better, tbh.

How dare he judge your lifestyle choices?

Cheeky sod. Get rid.

BabyYoureAFirework Sat 16-Jul-11 21:44:25

I would personally run like wildfire. Who is he to question how you live? Does he think that you need to answer some questionnaire in order to be worthy of being with him?

Tell him to get fucked. And run like wildfire.

itwasthat Sat 16-Jul-11 21:46:00

it is an awful situation to be in when one partner has an asset and other doesnt and that partner makes you aware of it! he sounds very guarded but then how old is he? forget the coke thing, we all do stupid things in our youth. regarding children how many does he want since you are 40, the area i live in is full of older mums btw. keep your options open is what i would say to you

noir Sat 16-Jul-11 21:48:55

What?! You've been together 7 weeks and he's fretting about your savings?! This is in-sane!! You sound like fun, a bit of a risk taker, you do not want to be with someone as anal as him. Run, run for the hills!!

nojustificationneeded Sat 16-Jul-11 21:49:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabbitPie Sat 16-Jul-11 21:49:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 16-Jul-11 21:50:50

He's 43. I have felt really judged, and to a certain extent I can see his point. But I am concerned that for the rest of my life I'm going to have to fit his view of what his partner should be, even if sometimes very subtle.

I have even said lets get a prenup if that's what you are worried about. It all feels very clinical, but he said he really likes me and that's why he's wanting to sort these issues out.

BitOfFun Sat 16-Jul-11 21:51:17

Fuck him off.

cerealqueen Sat 16-Jul-11 21:52:57

I'd be running for the hills frankly, as he'd always be throwing it in your face about the coke use and the lack of savings and the fact that he has assets.
Aside from his property, (he's not bloody Mr Darcy is he?) what does he have going for him, what makes him worthy of you?
Life is not a check box exercise that you have to fill out before you qualify for a loving relationship!

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Sat 16-Jul-11 21:53:14

Well he either accepts you for who you are or he doesn't.

What are you supposed to do about these concerns? Ok so you could ditch the coke but you can't retrospectively save up and buying a house on the fly, just because he thinks you should own property, would make you a nutter.

He does sound a bit judgemental and edgy (has he been stung in a relationship before?). I would perhaps back off a little bit and see what he does.

hester Sat 16-Jul-11 21:54:31

Look, after just seven weeks he has got you feeling judged, and also that to a certain extent you can see his point. He is already getting under your skin and lowering your self-esteem. What damage could he do after 7 YEARS?

You deserve so much better.

Hatesponge Sat 16-Jul-11 21:55:12

Agree totally he is the red flag, not you.

In the first few weeks you should both be on your best behaviour - if this is him at his best, it's not encouraging.

inatrance Sat 16-Jul-11 21:55:12

Oh dear, he's telling you loud and clear what he is like, he sounds stifling and its only been 7 weeks!! Listen to your instincts and get rid!

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 16-Jul-11 21:56:47

He says he's been stung in a relationship before but he's not had a relationship longer than a year, and he's not given me any stories that suggest badly hurt.

He has similar interests to me, we do have a good time chatting etc together. And he's good in bed.

He wants us to get a mortgage together so that we can share the experience of buying and decorating a house together.

Hmmm. After 7 weeks?!

NotADudeExactly Sat 16-Jul-11 21:56:58

What everyone else has said regarding him.

That having been said: I did split up with an ex of mine due to his coke habit - and would never again date a guy who has one. It had nothing to do with it making him an unstable person but everything with the fact that coke makes most people behave like complete self centered twats.

PotPourri Sat 16-Jul-11 21:57:34

OMG. Ditch that! Does he think he is so amazing then? He should seriously get lost. Cheeky git saying that he is worried you will take all his money that he has worked hard for!! The very cheek of it!

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 16-Jul-11 21:58:11

re the coke and being a twat - completely agree. I even hear myself becoming a twat on it. Which is why I'm not bothered about doing it tbh..

NotADudeExactly Sat 16-Jul-11 21:58:55

And he wants a mortgage after seven weeks?

Run for the hills screaming! And if there are no hills close by, run until you find some and then run for them.

Hatesponge Sat 16-Jul-11 21:59:11

One of my friends is in a similar financial position to you, and around the same age - her (D)P has his own mortgage-free house (which he inherited from his parents), but is tight as anything. I don't think he would ever see his house as anything other than 'his' - am not optimistic about them ever moving in together, or it working out if they do.

RabbitPie Sat 16-Jul-11 21:59:44

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome Sat 16-Jul-11 22:00:30

He's 43 and never had a relationship longer than a year, siob (anybody see what I did there?)!

Start investing right a good pair of running shoes.

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 16-Jul-11 22:02:16

Am I sounding passive?!! He's told me that I have very strong opinions and don't get pushed around...and I am a strong person normally.

RabbitPie - sorry for being a bit obtuse but what do you mean about him not caring about boundaries/not taking a year etc?

Yama Sat 16-Jul-11 22:04:36

He sounds petty, controlling and judgemental. Agree that it sounds like he doesn't respect you. Also, in the first 7 weeks he should be trying to be attractive to you. This behaviour is not attractive. And, it's likely to get worse.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: