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erm, not friday night anymore,but - lost all confidence post DCs in that department

(11 Posts)
addictedtocustard Sat 16-Jul-11 17:45:57

Hi

I'm 25, not hideous. I had DS at 22 and DD at 24

I had a rubbish relationship with XP and basically for 5 years had no sex at all

I last had sex (this is really it) in 2009 when DD was conceived! P said he couldn't feel anything, and it was rubbish. (NB he was tiny in that department and had erectile dysfunction, but went on to tell me it worked fine with everyone else)

This knocked my confidence even further and I basically haven't done anything since.

Before XP I had a great sex life and was perfectly normal and outgoing. I now have a major fear that basically (ick sorry to be so graphic) but that 2 normal vaginal deliveries (and one was a large baby) have wrecked my vagina to the point where sex would be atrocious if I even tried it and in the words of borat himself I think that it will be a bit wizards sleevey. I also breastfed twice for a year each time and gained and lost a fair bit of weight in pregnancy etc and my breasts have gone from normal and perky and a reasonable size, to deflated balloon type things hanging off me, and are smaller than they have ever been (I mean, they are now extremely small). My figure isn't great, it's a normal BMI of 20 or so but not well toned so I still have a wobbly tummy and am pear shaped.

I am just petrified of any relationships now, or any new relationships ever (and there's a nice guy I really like) because if it ever got to sex.. well, my god I am horrified.,

Does anyone know what I can do to either
a. get over my fear, or
b. improve things?

I just envisage a life of celibacy now forever and feel really really past it and awful. blush

JackieBauer Sat 16-Jul-11 18:23:27

Hiya, hope this isnt going to be TMI, after three normal vaginal deliveries, 8lb 1, 9lb 1 and 8lb 11, I know how you feel.
My first dd was born with an elbow sticking out resulting in me tearing badly, and having 26 stitches down there, local anasthetic and more gas and air so I could be stiched up, I can still feel the scars now, second birth was fine, tore again on the third.
I felt so bad about about my fanny that I went to see two gynacologists (first one was horrible and insensitive so I asked to see another one) Second one had a good look, inserted a finger (or two) asked me to squeeze and said I had great muscle control, I could have had some refashioning but she didn't recommend it.
Well I was over the moon and could have kissed her. I still wasn't fully happy with it though but Ive been divorced for 5 years now and either it was just go for it or never have sex again, Ive slept with some men since, first couple of times I was dreading it, but it was all fine, and nobody said OMG look at the state of that (to my complete surprise)
Just go for it, you'll be fine xxx

addictedtocustard Sat 16-Jul-11 18:40:56

Thanks for your reply Jackie

Good to know it's not just me!! I was thinking about going to see someone about it, to check I'm not grossly abnormal or something blush but I thought my GP would laugh me out of the surgery and a gynaecologist would tell me I was being stupid and wasting their time.

It sounds silly but I really do worry about it! Thanks for your reply smile

wileycoyote Sat 16-Jul-11 18:46:45

Wear underwear or nice lingerie when you first go to bed with someone new, and maybe get some confidence around your vagina being fine by using some kegel excercisers or chinese love balls. It will make you feel more sexy too. You will be fine and anyway, you have forgotton that crazed lust is a great fear reducer once you get up close and can't wait for him to fu*k you!

GreenEyesandHam Sat 16-Jul-11 20:53:59

I promise you, you will be fine.

I felt the same when I was a single mum with two young children, I could not comprehend how on earth I would ever be able to undress in front of a man again, let alone introduce them to my battered vagina!

But I did. Now married with a third child, and still no complaints wink.
Your ex sounds like a jerk, that's all

brightermornings Sat 16-Jul-11 21:02:11

Just wanted to offer some support. I'm divorced and hadn't had sex for a long time before we split. I'm with someone now who loves my body stretch-marks and all. I agree about sexy underwear. Asda are great and cheap!!

pink4ever Sat 16-Jul-11 21:07:34

I just want to tell you its completely normal to feel like this. Although I love my dcs more than life having them has knocked my confidence so much-both in terms of my figure and my identity as a women(am sahm).
What worked for me was trying to feel better about myself-bought some sexy underwear(all in sale at the moment so a good excuse),nice perfume,making an effort to shave legs more/moisturise body etc.
Things are still not great in the bedroom department(dh doesnt seem to want it as much as me) but at least I am starting to feel a bit more confident and more of a sexual being again.
Please dont let the lies of a horrible ex bring you down. Any decent man will see beyond any slight imperfections and appreciate your womenliness<did I jus t make up a word?>

flatbellyfella Sat 16-Jul-11 21:44:42

Any man that belittles his lover over
The damage/slackness of her vagina
after childbirth
Or hysterectomy is an absolute twat
and not worthy of being classed a
Man. Your personality the way you
Dress your perfume the things you
say are more important as a turn on,
Please be proud of your body ,every one
of us is different and it's true "beauty is
more than skin deep" look at some of
the page 3 type celeberaties and how
Awful they behave not an ounce of real
beauty inside.

heleninahandcart Sun 17-Jul-11 00:06:05

OP I have been there and more, but I will spare you the TMI. I hadn't even realised that vaginas could stretch or labia get 'ugly' until I started reading the posts from women who were worried about this on MN. Suddenly, from what other women had written, I was reaching for the mirror and wondering if my bits were odd, if it mattered and if my lovers had been secretly repulsed.

Since the birth of DC, not one negative comment about my fanjo from any man I've shared a bed with. Now, my doubts this came entirely from me reading about it.

Your doubts came because you had an arse of an ex who was trying to project his own worries onto you.

Conclusion? men love the whole experience of our bodies. If they were obsessed with one bit of us there would be something seriously wrong with them. They don't notice a haircut FFS, they are not going to notice minor differences in the throws of passion!

addictedtocustard Sun 17-Jul-11 09:41:33

wow thanks everyone, I'm 'glad' hmm it's not just me who feels like this, I think XP was indeed an arse and most of my hang ups are from horrible things he said (about my tummy, breasts, fanjo et al) and probably to be honest he was just saying it to be horrible and knock my confidence (though there may be an ounce of truth, it's hard to tell when someone knocks you down all the time)

I also got quite close to a former colleague a while ago but totally backed out, because although he was initially lovely, he said I was ''damaged goods'' for having had DCs [eeek] and nothing sexual ever happened between us, as such, so that was just his opinion of me

so, will do what you suggest and try to feel a bit better about myself and more confident. Miracle undies may be required. . I've never heard of chinese love balls [!] ehem..

wileycoyote Sun 17-Jul-11 22:55:54

Love Eggs? Google them - lovehoney and other online non-intimidating shops sell them..
www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex/better-sex-for-her/kegel-exercisers-balls/

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