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Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

(334 Posts)
minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:05:49

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

LorneMower Sat 16-Jul-11 16:07:43

you poor poor thing.
i think you need ot make it fast probabley - dont go away on holiday after telling them/

will there be financial implications?

are oyu sure he isnt having an affair?

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:13:56

No not an affair, don't think any muppet would put up with him. He genuinely is running round an astroturf pitch, in preference to being with us. sad None of our friends or family will be at all surprised that I'm calling it a day -I should have done so years ago to save myself a lot of pain, and the kids a lot of tension. DH will deny there's a problem and refuse to leave. I am going to make an appointment with family solicitor this week to find out what happens re finances and everything else. My head's all over the place and I feel sick, but I know I have to be strong and do this.

LorneMower Sat 16-Jul-11 16:15:20

has his family asked " how y ou put up with it?

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:17:43

Yes, even his mother who panders to him, had said that she would never blame me if I left him. His brother was disgusted with him for going to Barcelona when DS1 was poorly and we still didn't know what was wrong. His father is where he gets it from and is like DH only worse, but he's the only one who thinks DH's behaviour is ok.

nadmeg Sat 16-Jul-11 16:23:13

Hi i am new to mumsnet but when i read your story i had to respond, I seperated fron my DH in Sept 10. We went on holiday in the August as i was hoping maybe things would get better away from the chores of work, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc, but they didn't and when i told him i wanted a divorce he hit the roof saying I just wanted a holiday b4 we separated?? I have 2 DC and they took the seperation quite badly at the beginning. DH has put me through hell taking me to court to get custody of the children claiming i am a bad mother, the court case is still on going and won't be finalised til end of Aug. Some days i hate myself for the hurt i have caused but i also know i did the right thing, and if you know its the right thing for you it will work out in the end. There will be hard times a head but you will come out of it a stronger better person. I played second best to Fooball for the last 18 years, now i am number one and that's what everybody deserves.

LorneMower Sat 16-Jul-11 16:24:15

I think its suspicious. I bet there is another woman involved

RandomMess Sat 16-Jul-11 16:29:36

the other woman is his love of playing hockey and abdicating all responsibility of raising his dc.

Sorry I have no advice.

I'd be tempted go on holiday but without your h - would your Mum or a friend go with you instead? The dc could share the double bed.

wompoopigeon Sat 16-Jul-11 16:30:34

I too am a sportswidow and Lorne I don't think you're necessarily right. My difference is that it's on a slightly smaller scale and my DH is more understanding of my feelings about it. Though it has sadly coincided with tragedy in my life, my DH wasn't so oblivious as minx's to the pain he was causing by being absent while I trekked around hospital ITU departments.
Have you totally ruled out marriage counselling (sorry, saw some but not all of previous thread about Barcelona time)? You think it's impossible to give him a wake-up call?

wompoopigeon Sat 16-Jul-11 16:32:10

I should have added, I'm so so sorry it has come to this.

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:37:09

Had 2 lots of marriage counselling, years ago. He was totally unable to see how his behaviour was wrong and didn't listen to them at all. One counsellor used to stare at DH in disbelief at some of the crap he came out with. So no, way past marriage guidance. I'm having counselling to dela with post traumatic stress from DS in Intensive Care, and DS1 is, too. He told his counsellor last week, first session, that he's fed up with Dad being away and wants us to do more as a family. DH has been told this for the past 10 years but ignores it.

Mouseface Sat 16-Jul-11 16:37:10

I used to be a hockey widow but NEVER at the expense of any family occasions.

I think if you truly feel that your marriage is over, then you have to end it. Clearly your DH has no idea how you feel about this does he?

I think it only fair that you talk to him. Please don't just up sticks and leave.

There may not be another person involved in this but I think he deserves to know what's about to happen and given the chance to fight his corner.

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:40:31

Random, it has crossed my mind to cancel the family holiday in Cornwall and book something in the sun for the DC and me. But I imagine we'll lose all the Cornwall money (£1200). It hasn't been paid yet, well on DH credit card, but he hasn't paid it. Don't know the legal situation re cancelling. If I tried to take the boys to Cornwall on my own, DH would insist on coming.

Mouseface Sat 16-Jul-11 16:40:48

"He told his counsellor last week, first session, that he's fed up with Dad being away and wants us to do more as a family. DH has been told this for the past 10 years but ignores it."

Really? He actually ignores his son's requests that he spends more time with you all. That's very sad to hear.

Maybe if you tell him how you feel, re separating, he may just have a jolt and want to change? Do you think he will take you seriously?

Mouseface Sat 16-Jul-11 16:41:46

You'd only lose your deposit if you have had to pay one. When do you have to pay the balance by?

RandomMess Sat 16-Jul-11 16:44:12

I was going to write your h sounds like a self-entitled selfish idiot.

any chance he has aspergers and he in particular can just not connect/acccept others emotional needs?

Makes no difference to the outcome though does it he is incapable of anything other than putting his own desires 1st, 2nd and 3rd sad

I really think you will be much happier as will the dc, he will probably engage with them more once you've split.

TheCrackFox Sat 16-Jul-11 16:45:08

If you can't cancel the holiday how about your DH goes with the boys but without you?

I remember your original thread and I am not surprised that you have, eventually, decided to call it quits. You really have tried your best but your DH has to be one of the most selfish individuals I have ever heard about.

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:45:29

uMouseface, he has had enough warnings over the years. I have told him time and time again how unhappy I am, have asked him in the past to move out but he's refused. He has seen me breaking my heart, crying, and still dug his head in the sand thinking everything will be ok. He's had many, many chances to put things right. If nearly losing his son this year hasn't made him reassess his priorities, nothing will. I'm just so unsure how to go about it. Family wedding coming up, etc. I am not leaving - this is the boys' home and they've had enough trauma this year.

RandomMess Sat 16-Jul-11 16:46:18

Just book him some hockey thing during the week.........

sorry that's my BLACK humour coming out sad

Or let him take the boys smile whilst you get on with sorting yourself out. That would actually be good for the dc.

DumSpiroSpero Sat 16-Jul-11 16:49:56

I have no advice really as I could have written your post myself (minus the poorly LO - hope he is ok after his recent op).

I will be watching with interest and wish you all the strength and luck in the world to get through this and have a happy future.

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:50:23

Mouse, balance has been paid on DH's credit card. He hasn't paid the cc bill yet, don't know if it can be cancelled. Random - I would be seriously worried about him taking the boys on holiday - DS2 is only 5, and DH is in a world of his own half the time. Recently he was sitting in the garden discussing sport with his Dad - found both DSs out in the road looking for a ball. DH had no idea.

Mouseface Sat 16-Jul-11 16:51:20


Hmm.... I guess that you need to call it a day then. Our DS was in PICU 3 times, so I know exactly how you are feeling about that. I was told to call my DH (2+ hours drive from the hospital) and tell him that our son may not survive the procedure they had to do to actually try and save his life.

I agree wholeheartedly that if your son almost dying does not make you utterly thankful and truly committed to the needs of your family, then you don't bloody deserve to have one.

Children are a gift, no a God given right. He should be taking each day as a blessing, not swanning off here, there and everywhere.

Time to take control. Have you spoken to a solicitor about this? IS the house in joint names?

Mouseface Sat 16-Jul-11 16:53:32

I would try and cancel if the holiday is booked on his CC. Can you call the company and ask whilst he's still away?

I think that you and your boys deserve the break here, not him.

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:53:49

House is in joint name. There's a possibility of accommodation for him where he works, but in the past he has refused to go, saying he doesn't want everyone to know his business. I will see a solicitor this week. There is no future for us, and I will NOT let him hurt DS1s feelings, the way he has hurt mine over the last 12 years.

minxthemanx Sat 16-Jul-11 16:55:27

Mouseface sad that you had a child in PICU. V traumatic. Poor you. x

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