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XP suddenly wants to see DS after 3-4 months of no contact

(8 Posts)
BertieBotts Sat 16-Jul-11 15:08:27

(Reposted from Lone Parents)

I don't want to stop him having contact, but I'm furious that he's left it so long and then expects just to swan back in like nothing has changed. DS is 2.9 and stopped asking about him a while ago, and never talks about him any more, I'm not sure how he will react. XP used to take him out for 5 hours, but I don't know whether he will be upset by this. When we split he was 13 months and contact started off with my mum taking him to see XP for a couple of hours at a time, every day at first, then he took him out on his own, but again for a couple of hours, a few days a week. After a few weeks we settled on this 5 hours saturday, 5 hours sunday arrangement. Then he was really flaky about it and used to cancel at the last minute all the time.

I'm going to talk to DS and see how he reacts to the idea, but I'm not sure what to say to XP - do I go straight for the arrangement we had before, or should I try to build up contact slowly again? I definitely don't want XP coming into the house but I would consider meeting in a public place until DS got used to him again, as long as this was temporary.

buzzsore Sat 16-Jul-11 15:18:16

I think a slow build up is kinder on your ds.

Maybe if you met up in a play-park and xp takes him off to the swings or something, for an hour or so? That way if xp doesn't turn up, ds can still have a good time playing.

bail Sat 16-Jul-11 15:39:29

Hi BertieBotts, sounds like a stressful situation, sorry for you.

You say that you are going to talk to DS about it. IMO, do not do this. Make the decision for him. This may sounds tough, but at 2.9 he will not have an opinion and, if he does, it is highly probable that his opinion would be different 2 minutes later.

Instead, make the decision for him. You will make the right decision as you know your DS. IMO, I do not think you go straight back to the original arrangement. Babysteps. Perhaps meet XP in the playground. He can interact with DS whilst you watch on from a distance. Then after a handful of instances such as this, then maybe he takes him for a couple of hours. After a few weeks, you finally build up to such an extended period as before.

Hope all turns out well.

BertieBotts Wed 10-Aug-11 20:52:07

Hi, sorry I didn't reply before. I spoke to my mum and clarified what was said and wasn't sure that he did want contact after all, so I left it as it was making me anxious to see the thread. But thank you for your replies. He has now got in contact and has just asked "Can I see DS next sunday?" - weekends were his time before, 12-5 both days, so I'm guessing he's assuming that's what I'll offer, but I definitely want to build things up slowly and I don't know that DS would be happy going off with him on his own at this point in time.

So do you think the park idea is a good plan? I'm worried that DS will just sit and cling to me the whole time and XP will get annoyed/upset. And I have a feeling he's going to be more likely to do that if I'm there, than if I'm not, for example, with another person there. But I think if XP is willing to play with him and things and I'm just sitting there not doing anything interesting

The only thing I was going to say to DS was did he want to go and play with Daddy by himself or did he want me to come too - I haven't mentioned it to him, though we have had a few chats about Daddy. He says that other children have Daddies, but he has a <DP's name>. He does have a Daddy, but his daddy is just a man. I think that if I talk to him though he will definitely say he wants me to come - this is his default answer to everything at the moment. He is going through a phase where he wants me a lot and I don't know why - happy to reassure him, though. He has been crying when dropped off at the childminder's recently for example after months of bounding in with nothing more than a wave, though he didn't cry last time. I'm probably overthinking!

BertieBotts Wed 10-Aug-11 20:55:40

Sorry. The conversation I intended to have with DS was to speak to him about seeing Daddy again. He has always seen him alone since we split which was 1.9 years ago, so he would have no reason to assume I would come with him, unless I suggested it. So I was going to talk to him about seeing Daddy and see if he reacted happily or seemed to be worried by the concept, and if he asked if I would come or anything like that, and only bring up the idea of me coming if he seemed quite worried or anxious about it.

BertieBotts Wed 10-Aug-11 21:39:58


HansieMom Wed 10-Aug-11 22:27:23

Your child might not even remember his father anymore. I think the park is a good idea. maybe bring a small picnic--just a snack and drinks. You three could sit and talk and then go play on swings and slides. if DS wants to stay close to you, that's fine. If X gets pissed by that, oh well!

Surely your X does not expect to have him for five hours again?

BertieBotts Wed 10-Aug-11 22:50:03

He probably does - he's actually that self-centred!

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