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Should I tell him he's a father?

(82 Posts)
Teki Sat 16-Jul-11 14:55:48

Hi,

I am in a relationship of 10 years and we have twins, but he is not the father. He knows this and love the twins unconditionally and is a fantastic dad.
I became pregnant during a bad patch between us, and then we got back together again. He knew, there was a chance the babies were not his, but he stood by me.

The biological father, is not the kind of guy I'd go for in reality, just someone I met often during my temporary break up. I knew it wasnt serious, so broke it off once I got myself together. now my twins are here, I wonder about telling this other guy he is the father. I want NOTHING from him. Nor do I want him in my life. But I feel he should know about my twins.

My sister says 'You do not have to be blood to be a father' so I think, maybe I should leave it, and carry on with life. But I do not want my boys to find out some other way when they are older - I do not wish to keep secrets from my children, as was done to me by my parents.

So, do I inform this other guy he is a father, making it perfectly clear I want nothing from him, and that the babies are in a loving family relationship, or do I carry on as is, like he never existed?

I am a good mother, and my partner is a wonderful father; my babies are loved by all in the family. I would not wish to hurt anyone, but kept secrets, in my experience, can cause many problems.

Thoughts and advice much appreciated.

Tx

branstonsandcheese Sat 16-Jul-11 15:03:16

Yes, I think you should. Not even so much so this man knows he's a bio father, but so your DC are fully informed about their bio heritage. And, as you say, the truth has a horrible way of coming out in the worst possible ways in this situation.

You and your DH (and perhaps this man as well), can discuss how, when and what your DC should be told depending on what will happen next - if the bio father wants contact, how old the DC are etc.

My eldest has a different bio father - DH has been Daddy pretty much since day 1 - and he is pretty secure (so far), with the situation. Of course there may well be angst over the years but you're right that that's better than lies and revelations.

TheCrackFox Sat 16-Jul-11 15:06:41

"So, do I inform this other guy he is a father, making it perfectly clear I want nothing from him, and that the babies are in a loving family relationship, or do I carry on as is, like he never existed?"

But once you tell him he might decide (which he has every right to do) that he wants to be an involved loving father. He has a right to know but you cannot control the outcome once your secret is out in the open.

wtfdoido Sat 16-Jul-11 15:08:53

ARe you absolutely 100% that they are not your OHs children? I only ask because you said He knew, there was a chance the babies were not his

Have you had DNA tests to be sure? If not then get it done first so you can be sure and then I would see if you can get some counselling regarding what you should do next, and more importantly, how.

buzzsore Sat 16-Jul-11 15:12:59

I agree with wftdoido, be absolutely sure the twins aren't your oh's before you do anything.

Sirzy Sat 16-Jul-11 15:19:48

If you are 100% sure then you have to tell him. They are his children and he has a right to know that.

HairyGrotter Sat 16-Jul-11 15:33:14

If the twins are not your OH's then you absolutely need to tell the bio father as he has a right to know as do your children.

Xales Sat 16-Jul-11 15:33:49

You say there is a chance they are not his.

First thing you should do it get a DNA test done with your OH to determine if he is or isn't the father.

If you tell the other man after this then be prepared that if he wants to be a part of these children's lives he can go to court and get access and that your children have the right to have a relationship with him no matter what you want.

branstonsandcheese Sat 16-Jul-11 15:38:11

I read the OP as saying that her H knew there was 'a chance' the DCs weren't his while she was pregnant and that after the birth they established he wasn't the bio father.

Teki Thu 28-Jul-11 11:33:53

Thank you ladies for your replies.

Everyday, I look at my boys and know this other guy is the father and I want to tell him straight away. In my heart I know this is right. But I also feel guilty, for the situation I have put myself and my partner in, and also my babies.

When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I was so happy and for that moment, I thought of no-one else but me and them. Part of me thinks it was a selfish act, and part of me doesnt care that is was. When something like this comes into your life and changes it for the better, who would refuse?

My relationship with my long term partner is great, we work well together and I am worried about the repercussions of telling this other guy he's the father. Will he accept? Will he reject? What do I do in either situation?

Thank you again, for your advice and thoughts. I find sometimes, I cannot openly talk to close friends or family about this, strange how easy it can be on the net... Tx

ZZZenAgain Thu 28-Jul-11 11:35:55

I would worry about your partner frankly. This kind and decent man who is bringing them up. Does he know you plan to tell the biological father and how does he feel about it?

lookingfoxy Thu 28-Jul-11 11:39:30

Im not going to be popular here, but I would honestly bury it and never speak of it again.
Who is named on the birth certificates?

nojustificationneeded Thu 28-Jul-11 11:48:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickgo Thu 28-Jul-11 11:49:52

Teki
Are you prepared that the bio father might want to see your twins regularly?

Or he might want to apply for parental responsibility and equal custody?

Think every repercussion through before you tell him - it could happen!

Might be better to just tell your twins as they get older rather than risk the bio father disruping your happy family.

HedleyLamarr Thu 28-Jul-11 12:34:28

Have you discussed this with your partner? As he is helping to raise them he deserves input into any decision shirley?

MizzyTizzy Thu 28-Jul-11 13:12:14

I'd get a DNA test done regardless of what I thought I knew....after all there may be no decisions or informing to be done.

You may be agonizing over a non existent problem.

prettyfly1 Thu 28-Jul-11 13:42:36

Before you do anything, if there is any doubt at all you absolutely must for all concerned get a dna test done. Leaving yourselves with a "Might be" is unfair for all concerned. I have to be honest, my personal feelings are that a child has the right to the truth and to have that truth handled in the kindest way possible - you need to tell this man the truth. I appreciate it was on a break but you liked him enough to swap bodily fluids sans protection so you owe him the respect of being honest with him. If he buggers off then you know where you are but there is a chance he wont and he has the right to know HIS children, regardless of how you and your partner feel now you have decided that your relationship is back on. I think your partner is amazing to have taken the babies on but whilst he is definitely being a dad, he isnt their father and you dont have the right to deny them the opportunity because it doesnt suit your current family set up.

Dozer Thu 28-Jul-11 16:52:14

If a dna test shows that your dp is not the father then of course you should tell the father. Not to do so would be unethical, cruel and unfair.

The father deserves the truth and opportunity to be involved in his childrens' lives; it's not his fault if this threatens your situation.

Dozer Thu 28-Jul-11 16:54:05

Pickgo, a happy family based on lies (by omission) to someone else and denying that person the chance to be part of that (albeit unconventional) family, is not ok.

pickgo Fri 29-Jul-11 01:15:03

No I disagree. Parents do not have the 'right' to be involved in their children's lives. Enshrined in the Children's Act is the child's right to see their parents. THere is a big difference and in practice it means that it is always the child's welfare tht is prioritised (which is as it should be IMO).

But in this case how does it benefit those children to see their bio dad? They already have a happy secure and healthy family, including the man that loves them enough to be there day in day out as their dad.
I don't think it's in the children's interests to jeopardise that for the unknown benefit of the bio dad knowing he's a dad.

solidgoldbrass Fri 29-Jul-11 01:23:06

First, do the DNA test. Then, tell the truth. Because if this other man is the twins' father, at some point it will come out. They'll do blood groups or eye colour or something in school and work it out for themselves. Or they will need to know something about genetic history if an illness shows up. People who find out later in life that there is something about their birth/parentage which has been kept a secret from them tend to go nuts at the betrayal (and it is a betrayal, those closest to you have been lying to you for your whole life.)

Bogeyface Fri 29-Jul-11 01:23:51

Been thinking alot about this since i posted above and..

To all those saying that the (potential) bio father has a right to be involved...

Well maybe he does (although I agree with Pickgo). But what if he chooses not to be? The Op will have torn apart a happy loving family and for what? A man who knows he has 2 children and doesnt want to be a father to them and, assuming he doesnt want to be a father, will not want to front up to his financial responsibilities either. So the OP is looking at a life where her children have a known bio father but no daddy, money worries because he wont pay and a heartbroken ex.

OK so this is worse case scenario but there is a good chance that that would happen.

And all because she feels the need to salve her conscience.

Whatmeworry Fri 29-Jul-11 01:33:04

I'd get the DNA test done toknow for sure and then STFU - the other option will just wreck innocent lives complicate things.

FreudianSlipper Fri 29-Jul-11 01:41:06

first get a DNA test

if he is the father then yes i think you have to tell him, secrets like this always always come out. what if they want to look for their biological father when they are older and he has no idea it could get all so messy. by keeping it secret that is a heavy load to carry and that will be for the rest of your life

there are other things to think about too medical history these questions are routinely asked are you going to continually lie. deal with it now they have their daddy but they do have the right to know their biological father adn he does and should be informed he is their father

1Catherine1 Fri 29-Jul-11 01:48:51

I'm with Whatmeworry on this one. If the other guy is the father, then tell them when they are older. In their teens and old enough to understand. If your OH is a good father to them then they'll understand why you choose to do as you have.

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