I'm so upset, I can't think straight. Sorry, long thread.

[eva123]

Hi all, I'm a first time poster, and really wanted my Mumsnet debut to be something fun and fabulous but it is not to be.

I caught my DH watching porn last night - he doesn't know I saw him, and I'm feeling really insecure. He's gone off to the gym this morning, and I couldn't even look at him.

I know it seems like a mountain out of a molehill, but we are a very strictly religious family - he's more staunch than me, and I would never have thought he would do this in a million years.

I know I'm not a size zero -far from it, but I do make every effort with my appearance, and now I just feel so betrayed. Add that to the fact that we were both virgins when me met, have been married for 15 years, and due to his 'low sex drive' (he only wants sex once a fortnight, and would happily go without - its me who always initiates things) , I always seem to be compromising myself for him.

What shall I do...he will be back in an hour and I just don't know how to handle it. The kids are asleep and I can't leave them, otherwise I would just get in my car and drive somewhere far away :( .

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[branstonsandcheese]

My instinct is that his 'low sex drive', may be down to the porn use. He probably has some messed up dividing lines in his head.

Ask him how long he's been watching porn for and how he reconciles it with his religious beliefs. In a calm chatty way if possible. His reaction will be telling.

[eva123]

Hi branstonandcheese, thank you for your reply.

I will muster the courage up to ask him, but my guess is that he will flatly deny it, and end up making me feel worse than I already am.

[branstonsandcheese]

But he can't deny it, you saw him!

You are 100% in the right here, especially as he's choosing to use porn while telling you he has no sex drive. If the porn is instead of loving sex with his wife then there is a problem.

[Proudnscary]

Hi I'm sorry you feel so wretched about this.

The only thing you can do, if you feel strongly about this, is to approach it calmly. Remember he will be caught unawares and will be so mortified/embarrassed that his reaction might be to fly off the handle or deny as you've said.

Say you realise this is embarrassing for him but you are so upset you would really like to speak to him and understand why he's watching this. Tell him how much it has depressed, angered and upset you.

As you may or may not know there are few subjects that cause such polarisation as porn on Mumsnet. Some consider it abhorrent and a marriage deal breaker. I don't like it, but I don't feel like this. I think most men watch porn (even the women who swear blind their dh's don't on here!) and men view sex very differently to women. They see porn as harmless fun and a way to get their rocks off quickly and efficiently.

I once found porn on my husband's computer and felt quite sick (it wasn't awful porn, just 'soft' but still - yuck.) I said I was upset and he seemed to get it. That was about 5 years ago and I've never had cause to suspect him again - never seen any evidence on our computers or TV etc.

Anyway I digress.

Talk about it and see what he says and how you feel.

Good luck

[TheRealMBJ]

Hi eva what a shock it must have been for you. I agree with branston that it is likely that his 'low sex-drive' is actually due to porn use.

You do need to discuss this and he cannot deny it. You saw him. Don't let him turn this around on you either. Try to have as non confrontational a conversation with him as possible. Maybe open with, 'I saw something last night that shocked and upset me but I would like to talk about it calmly' Perhaps in a quiet, child-free environment.

Also don't leave it for Sunday night it will be better for both of you if you have the weekend to deal with it.

[eva123]

I agree with you completely, but he will still deny it or have some sort of excuse, I know...something like 'Oh, I was just channel hopping'.

I watched him watching it for about 2 minutes before I crept into bed, and am still feeling sick just thinking about it.

He is normally in bed and asleep before me, it just so happened that he decided to stay downstairs watching TV yesterday, which he's done maybe once before...about 6 months ago - he said it was a cricket match then, but now I'm doubting everything.

I'm just not sure if I can ask him about it in a calm chatty way -I don't even want to look at him.

[eva123]

Thank you all so much for the replies - proundandscary, I didn't know about the polarisation on MN so thanks for the heads up.

This was also 'soft' porn...something along the lines of the 'Movies for Men' channel, lots of bare breasts etc, but still, yuck.

I am just hoping this was a one off - he really doesn't watch that much TV normally, and his laptop is a work one that gets checked regularly.

Will definitely try to confront him calmly later, but am dreading it.

[notsorted]

Hi,
you are religious, so is there someone you can talk to in that community? It is so common and reactions to it are potentially explosive, so I guess a priest/rabbi or whoever will have come across this before. It's so hard to feel calm when you've had a shock - and this definitely is - so may be you someone else who you can talk to about your feelings without approaching your DH first will allow you to calmly state your feelings to your husband?
Best of luck

[eva123]

Going to sign off now - he will be back soon, but will update thread later.
Thank you all again.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

unfortunately it is religion, not porn, that has done the damage here. Religion is often linked to sexual issues (ie a great deal of guilt and conflict about having or enjoying perfectly harmless sexual activity).

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Sorry, hit 'post' too soon. I think you and H might benefit from some psychosexual counselling ie someone helping you see that sex is fun and that there is no need for the sort of anxiety and guilt that your H must be feeling.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

SPring, some of the assumptions you made have amazed me. Just because the OP is upset (as many normal women would be) about her H watching porn it does not mean she doesn't view sex as fun...

The same goes for religious people - many actually view sex as a healthy and vital part of marriage.

[squeakytoy]

I dont think you should "confront" him. Perhaps a chat rather than a confrontation will be more productive and get a better result. If you go at him all guns blazing, it really wont help.

If neither of you have had other sexual partners, then maybe he wants to be able to have a higher sex drive, maybe he is hoping watching some sort porn will help that (it can for many people.. not all porn is bad, and not everyone that watches porn are perverts or cheats).

[jesuswhatnext]

ffs spring! - who said the op dosent find sex fun? who said her dh is feeling guilt and anxiety?

he was caught watching something that has upset his wife, she is entiteled to her feelings and has every right to ask him about it - he has taken a moral stance and has backed tracked on it, in secret, too bloody right it needs sorting out!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

THe more of a big religious stance a man takes, the more likely he is to watch porn and hate himself instead of enjoying sex with his DW. I didn't make it clear enough it's the H who is more in need of counselling, though it would probably be helpful for the OP too.

[Ivortheengine8]

Spring thats not true, Where are the stats for that?
If the OP is religious, thats her right to be and you have no place to judge her for that. Like Jesus said she is entitled to be upset. Just because you take another view doesnt mean she shouldnt be upset.
Every couples makes standards in a relationship. If those standards have been corrupted then sure, its going to cause problems.
Even if your standards are not the same you shoudl be able to understand that other people have them.

[Ivortheengine8]

There is NOTHING against sex in religion anyway? Where did you get that from?
In christianity for example sex is something to be enjoyed between man and wife - the same goes for most other religions to my knowledge.

[fortyplus]

I agree - I'm an atheist but have never seen a correlation between porn use and strong religious beliefs. I know loads of religious people who don't appear to have any hang ups about sex.

[nailak]

it depends on the religion surely? in my religion it id encouraged to have sex and enjoy it within marriage.

[TheRealMBJ]

It is known that porn affects sexual relationships adversely. I'm not so sure about religion. I think that is just a myth.

I'm religious, DH is not. I think I have fewer hang-ups about sex than he does. (But I'm not British )

[jesuswhatnext]

spring - over the years i have watched your posts with interest, im usually amazed at the 'know all' tone of your posts - today i feel quite angry, you have made huge, sweeping statements, with no evidence to back them up and in a tone which dismisses the OPs feelings entirely.

im in no way religous, have no axe to grind etc. but to assume any devout man is a porn junkie is bloody insulting!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Religion is a hugely damaging concept. All religions have hangups and restrictions around sex and think women are less than men. SO the stricter the religion, the more messed up the sexual attitudes and (in men) the more likely the believe is to act out unpleasantly eg by secretly watching porn while publicly condeming all sexual expression.

[TheRealMBJ]

Were is the evidence though? Not just your opinion, evidence.

[nailak]

how does hinduism for example condemn sexual expression? lol they encourage it, they have religious texts about it, and statues, and polyandry in their scriptures,brides wear red to symbolise passion, they have karma sutra ffs,

[SingOut]

SGB, you're generalizing. Why don't you take the debate about religion over to chat or something so the OP can get the focused support she needs on this thread. She obviously feels with good reason that her DH has breached some sort of moral and ethical code that they were both assumed to have. She's understandably distraught, and while the debate about religion is interesting, it might not be totally pertinent to her feelings of grief and confusion. Your posts are excellent generally, but on occasion can be low on empathy; I think perhaps empathy is what the OP needs right now. Sorry OP if I'm off the mark here.