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Lost friendships - how to get closure

(7 Posts)
anxietyridden Sat 16-Jul-11 07:45:13

I lost a group of friends some time ago; it's been several years and it still haunts me. These were friends I'd known for 15 years.
It's complicated and I think I either needs some good counselling or just a chat with someone who understands female friendships and how they can get really bitchy, and what that can do to a person.
I realise now having read up on it the group functioned on relational aggression and I am best out of it.
However i see that relational aggression happening again eg it's just happened in my Nct group and that was quite upsetting.

Anyone lost friendships and had a hard time getting over it but finally did? These were people I thought were real true friends and while I'm glad I know they aren't the sense of hurt is massive. One of them just didn't invite me to her wedding, and that really sends a clear message out that the friendship is over.

slovenlydotcom Sat 16-Jul-11 07:48:41

have a virtual hug, it may be that some counselling may help. Sorry not to be much use, but I wanted you to know that I had read.

Fuzzled Sat 16-Jul-11 20:50:58

I don't think you ever really "get over" it.
I've been in the same situation many years ago, and to this day it still (if I think about it at the wrong time of the month) can make me feel angry and sad.
What you can do is keep telling yourself (as you would if a cheating partner dumped you!) that you are worth way more than that, and that it is very definitely their loss.
I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason; in my case I learnt that people are not always what they seem to be and that I should trust my instincts as well as my head and I'm guessing that you have also learnt a similar lesson.
Mourn the loss of what could have been, but celebrate the fact you've got out and moved on. (God I sound like a hippy now!)

Basically, you're allowed to be angry and sad, but don't let it rule your life.

maristella Sat 16-Jul-11 21:00:53

I really understand your pain, I have lost 2 of my best friends this year, my friendships I mean. The first is mentally unwell (but functions really well) and made it impossible for us to stay close, and the other behaved so nastily towards me we will never speak again sad The difference over time had occured because I have changed, I have improved, I have bettered myself and my life and sometimes being the better person, even when you do not realise you are creates a problem. What I don't have is the loss of those that came with my friends, and I feel that you might have lost friends who are essentially behaving like sheep here, and that is a shame. But if people do not have the confidence to go against the grain, or the group norm, and be friends with you then they have chosen to remain sheep in the shadows.

You are likely to become sensitive to similar issues, that is natural.

And you may feel like you will never have such close friends again, or such a close group of friends, but I am learning that the closeness I had was use against me in such a cruel way that it was unhealthy.

I'm going to see a counsellor over the events that ended my friendship with my best friend (the second i have described) because I recognise this could stay painfully with me for a while and I want closure

Tuppenyrice Sat 16-Jul-11 21:10:01

Hi, sorry you're feeling upset over this.
About 7 years ago I fell out with my best friend. We had foolishly gone on holiday together with our babies. It was stressful from the get off (even at the airport). I won't go into the details but we fell out and didn't speak for years. Another friend sided with her and I lost her too. She turned up at my father's funeral 3 years ago, a gesture I appreciated, and we texted each other a few times after that but never resolved anything or met up. I have mourned the friendship and missed her terribly for years but I have to say I'm over it now. Like you with yr group I think the relationship was a bit toxic. We would say quite hurtful things to one another. In some respects we are better off without each other.
Good luck with your feelings on this as it is hard x

faintpositive Sat 16-Jul-11 21:21:43

Well to be honest it is like a bereavement and so you will need to work through the stages.
Thats how i did it, bargaining, anger and all that jazz.
Its been about 4 years now and actually i am at peace with it and ok about it, but i cried buckets and was very very upset for a long time.

Its not fixable is it? Its just gone too far to recover. so that has to be the cut off and ending of the episode.

It IS hard and it does affect you emotionally but now i look back i am a bit cross with myslef for wasting so much precious time over these friends AND there after. It was an utter utter waste of my time and energy.

You go over and over conversaions and arguments dont you, re-live it and break every expression down, its not good.
sympathies love x

timidviper Sat 16-Jul-11 21:22:00

I understand too. I had a friend for years who suddenly did something so nasty (and publically, embarrassingly nasty!) I was really hurt. When it was pointed out to her by other friends how badly she had behaved and how much she had upset me she was just not bothered and was very manipulative in trying to win over others who disapproved without making any effort towards me.

It does still hurt which is odd when you know someone is ultimately self-centred and nasty, and when you really don't want to be friends with them any more anyway. It's as though the emotional response lasts even after the logic has figured everything out.

The other thing that upset me was other friends who said privately they thought her actions were awful but as she hadn't done it to them they didn't want to say or do anything which made it difficult if they invited us both out because I didn't want to be in her company for a while so I felt excluded by them too even though that was my decision.

It's sad that loyalty does not seem to be an important part of friendship to a lot of people.

Good luck with sorting yours out. Counselling may help, I was lucky enough to have some close friends to talk things over with and that helped me.

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