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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My son and daughter in law

57 replies

volleyball · 15/07/2011 22:44

Just had a big bust up with son and d i l because I went to my grandaughters sports day when they were away and I was told by her that the had no interest in sports day so I shouldn't go - but when my grandaughter asked if I would I went! They hauled me in and told me I had no right to hav e gone - it turned into a big blow up - I and my husband who have been generous and loving grandparents have been banned from speaking to them or the girls and will still not give a reason why they think I did such a " bad" thing??? Where did I go wrong - they loved to see me there and now the whole family is in bits! What is the psychological problem here? Any one know?

OP posts:

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scarlettsmummy2 · 15/07/2011 22:47

That is awful- I don't think you have done anything wrong. They sound a bit unstable. I am presuming you wouldn't have done anything when you were there that is inapporpriate!

buzzsore · 15/07/2011 22:48

Maybe they feel guilty that they didn't attend? Maybe they think you were stepping on their toes in some way?

Without much context for your relationship with them generally, it seems very bizarre.

DuelingFanjo · 15/07/2011 22:49

have they asked to to stay uninvolved with their family in general rather than just sports-day?

This sounds like it may be a wider problem to me but perhaps I am wrong?

Do you see them all as a family at other times?

Aislingorla · 15/07/2011 22:50

That sounds a bit extream, banned from speaking to them! Surely there is more to it than you going to the sports day. Have you had issues before this?

Hassled · 15/07/2011 22:53

I suspect there's a much bigger back story here. Have you trod on the DIL's toes a bit in the past?

volleyball · 15/07/2011 22:56

We are a very close family - have three daughter in laws! - this one had always tried to find ways to make trouble and this is not the first time - we have been banned from the girls before and have worked for the last two years to get it back again and now this...he is my eldest son and I was very close to him - but before you say I have been a meddling mil I have completely let him go and dont see him except when we are together as a family. Do you think she is jelous of me? She comes from a broken family and has problems - weight looks etc. What should I do? I am so hurt and love my girls so much.........

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buzzsore · 15/07/2011 23:00

They're her girls first, and so you have to bend backwards, rightly or wrongly. Maybe do more asking and checking with them?

NonnoMum · 15/07/2011 23:04

She sounds like a loon.

DuelingFanjo · 15/07/2011 23:06

why were you banned before, what reasons did your son and dil give?Presumably your son is in agreement with your DIL? Have you spoken to him about this?

What ways has she made trouble?

Did you choose to go to the sports day because you knew your DIL and son would be away even though they had asked/told you not to go?

emsyj · 15/07/2011 23:08

"She comes from a broken family and has problems - weight looks etc"

Hum, well, your wonderful son has married her so perhaps not so challenged in the looks & weight department, eh?

volleyball · 15/07/2011 23:09

buzzsore- I do check and ask all the time - I tread on a very thin thread with her and am very careful ofcourse they are her girls first but a silly thing like going to watch them at sports day should surely get a thank you for going - how nice of you - not a how dare you go ?

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hellymelly · 15/07/2011 23:11

I do think that is very strange,(and am someone who doesn't have a great relationship with the in-laws). My mil upsets me more by her lack of effort actually.I would be happy if she was doing things to make my girls happy.
Can you get to talk more closely with your son? Or even with her? I suspect she thinks that she asked you not to go,and then you went against her wishes and went,but why on earth she would mind you watching a sports day is totally beyond me.Why did you get cut off before?

cat64 · 15/07/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wtfdoido · 15/07/2011 23:13

If what you say about her childhood is right then it could be that she has little or no concept of what a "normal" family is like, and your love and concern for your granddaughters may be an alien concept for her therefore hard for her to deal with. Her "making trouble" could actually be her being totally unable to understand or deal with a close and loving family. And yes, she could be jealous of your close relationship with your son, again because she may not understand it and therefore percieves it as a threat. as a result of all that, it may be that because of her upbringing she is determined to be a better parent to her own children and therefore anything you do that she doesnt like, such as attending a sports day that she had no interest in, she takes as criticism.

Sadly, I dont think you will win if you try to make her see reason, she sounds very troubled. If you really want to see your GDDs again I think you should write to her explaining that it was never your intention to upset her. You could include something implying that you are so doting on the girls that you didnt realise you had overstepped the mark and that you are sorry. Apologise and promise that you will never do anything again that will go against her or your sons wishes and see what she says.

I would normally say that you should tell her to bugger off as she is being vv unreasonable, but you will lose your GDDs if you do that so you will just have to dance to her tune on this one.

So sorry you are going through this and I hope that you get it resolved soon.

volleyball · 15/07/2011 23:15

duelingfanjo -yes had big break up two years ago because she had a massive row with my other dil about something really silly and stupid - nothing - but I am afraid we took side because we though she was being so unreasonable and tempers flew because she just would not back off - so they dont speak to her either! As for my son - well he seems to turn into a mute infront of her and when I manage to ask him - he just keeps repeating a mantra to me - " I am with my wife" !!

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jesuswhatnext · 15/07/2011 23:16

i dont get this - why would you have to 'let him go'?, why cant you just embrace your dil as a new daughter? why the power struggle? he wasnt yours to 'let go', he is a human being not something you own.

as to the weight and the looks and you wondering if she might be jealous of you, hmm!! tbh, you sound like a bloody nightmare (and i should know, i've had 4 mils! )

jesuswhatnext · 15/07/2011 23:18

ohhh!! 'i am with my wife' - now i see where the jealousy lies!

Xales · 15/07/2011 23:18

She comes from a broken family and has problems - weight looks etc. Nasty and judgemental much.

What should I do? I am so hurt and love my girls so much......... They are not your girls they are hers.

If this is your attitude no wonder she doesn't want you around.

DuelingFanjo · 15/07/2011 23:19

what was the 'nothing' argument about?

Maybe the fact that you took sides back then has never been properly resolved, maybe she is being a cow about it? It's so hard to tell but obviously there is a history here which must play a part.

If your son is in agreement with her about your treatment of her then I fear there is little you can do, though what wtfdoido suggests may work.

AurraSing · 15/07/2011 23:22

If both your son and DIL were unhappy about you going to the sports day, why are putting all the blame on your DIL?

But, unless you turned up to the sports day drunk or naked, I can't see why you shouldn't go.

volleyball · 15/07/2011 23:25

Funny you should mention doing things for her - I do so much - pick them up, bring them home ( 45 min ride away) feed them , buy them little treats - used to even cook for her and clean her untidy undomesticated house. Dont do cleaning now coz never got a helo thankyou - but I look after them in school hols etc - Yes wish I could write to her but I think she would throw it away and it wouldn't help the situation. I think you are right she does not have any concept as to how a family works - her ma was married twice and she has a stepbrother but both men wanted nothing to do with the kids at all - should have seen it coming really with the mother!! She seemed so sweet at the time my dil! Happy to say get on great with the other two never had a cross word!

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DuelingFanjo · 15/07/2011 23:27

Ah - they use you for childcare but ban you from sports day?

Will you be having them over the summer!

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buzzsore · 15/07/2011 23:29

Oh dear.

You made a huge mistake taking sides in an argument between your dils, and you sound quite overbearing.

I think you should apologise and do whatever it takes to get back on track, if you want to see your gc.

jesuswhatnext · 15/07/2011 23:30

yep!! you're a nightmare!!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 23:31

Whatever happened and however unreasonable she might be I really don't understand what you did.

You say she's touchy, has cut your contact with the children before and 'have worked for the last two years' to get it back. And yet you decided to ignore a clear request not to do something? Even with all that history???? Why would you do that???

If she doesn't have a close family it might be hard for her to cope with the kind of family that is very lose about boundaries. Honestly, even if you thought it was ridiculous, choosing to attend a school event when the children's parents have specifically asked you not to is a bit odd.

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