I think it depends on a whole bunch of other stuff.
I admit to being controlling at times.
Crappy childhood means that to me there is security in having a feeling (if it is only an illusion) of being in control...but I am conscious of this need so try to NOT be controlling.
I'll give an example...
DH and I have an appointment to attend that I am finding particularly difficult to deal with emotionally...so find I am telling him what to wear. (Security in control actions)
He will say to me "Oi, who's wearing this shirt? Me or you?" Which makes me look at the way I am behaving and I reply meekly "You." Then I back off and get on with controlling myself only...ie get a grip of my emotions and control them.
Now this behaviour I see as being acceptable...as I really do know I have ishoos and am trying to deal with them.
Someone who says they are controlling and has no intention of looking at themselves and/or adjusting their behaviour is someone I would run away from very, very fast. |
They want you to accept their controlling ways and do as they say/as you are told without question.
I'd say it depends on whether they are working at trying to change...many people admit to being controlling but believe that is the right way to be...IMO it isn't hence my trying to change.
If you said..No I don't want to wear that, go there or eat a certain food...would the controlling person just accept your choice or sulk...if they sulk or punish you in anyway for thinking differently from you..then time to run.
I was married to a controlling man once so my opinion may be biased, but I would say admitting it is a start. A good start would be if they modified their behaviour without constant reminders, and good progress would be if they kept this up.
It can be quite difficult to live with, or have a relationship with someone who is controlling, because they tend to take any opportunity to resume their old ways given half a chance. It means the controlled person has to be aware of the others behaviour all the time which can be quite draining. Day to day life shouldn't have to be a struggle, although the controlled person can learn how to deal with the controller, why should they need to? Eventually it leads to resentment, lack of respect for, and actual dislike of the controller. They have to be really motivated to change and realise what they stand to lose if they don't.
I just want to say that in everyday life I'm not what would be classed as controlling...well I don't think I am anyway...DH of 20+ years only has to tell me 'get a grip' when I am extremely stressed emotionally...when I feel out of my depth in anyway.
Bar work - I'm not allowed to do. Clothes - won't try and stop me but will moan about other men looking at me when hes not there to protect me. He will say i'm his. As far as going out is concerned he is happy to do what ever i want to.
To me those behaviours thesunshinesbrightly are of someone who feels entitled to be controlling and IMO does not truly want to change.
If he wanted to change he would let you get the bar work and even appear to encourage you - as he would know stopping you from getting the job is not right - then he would deal with his emotions about it through counselling or whatever.
But he isn't he has laid down the law and expected you to adhere to the rules - not good.
There's a saying that comes up a lot here, Sunshine: when a man tells you who he is, believe him.
They don't usually say it quite that explicitly. But really the question is: ok, he's told you he's controlling. Are you going to keep living with a man who's controlling and makes you feel like a possession?
My DP was a lot more controlling when I first knew him than he is now. He had grown up with a very controlling mother and repeated a lot of her behaviours. He wasn't very happy though, and he is a lot happier now he has let go.
I'd like to stress that it's his beliefs that need to change, sunshine, and not just aspects of his behaviour. And beliefs are really, really hard to shift.
"Letting" you choose your own clothes and your own job would not be sufficient, if he sees it as a concession on his part that you should reward him for through continued loyalty. That would just be adjusting bits of his behaviour without challenging the core beliefs underlying them.
What has he said he's going to do to change? "Let" you do a little more of what you are completely entitled to do as the sovereign human being that you are?