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Been nosey on FB and not so sure I should have......

(22 Posts)
OhToBeFree Thu 14-Jul-11 14:01:11

So I have met this guy who seems great with but he is going through a nasty divorce. We are just keeping in touch at the moment because of divorce. We haven't slept together etc so are pretty much just friends.

He does not bad mouth his STBEx but is finding it hard to understand the things she is alleging against him. She is also using their kids as a weapon to get to him (last week when he was dropping them back, their daughter was crying as didn't want to leave him and she said "if you don't stop performing, you're not seeing your father again" in front of him).

During my coffee break this morning I went on FB and her name came up on right hand side as 'someone you may know' (we are from same area). Curiosity got better of me and I clicked on her name.

Her profile is not secure so is open for anyone to see. So think you know where this is leading, I read her wall posts and status updates. I know, I know, wrong on lots of levels but I couldn't help it.

Her status updates seem to focus on slating her STBEx. Nasty comments in my opinion where she is criticizing his appearance and saying stuff about she wasted her life etc etc.

People have commented on her postings with stuff like 'better off without him' etc etc.

I don't really understand why anyone would want to put their personal issues all over FB, especially when you have it open for all to see. Many of the updates are late at night, seemingly after a few drinks.

So, being quite insecure myself I'm wondering whether I should just not think about what I read and it is just a bitter wife getting divorced from her husband, and keep my damn nose out or would you be alarmed by the comments and people branding him all sorts of nasty names???

TheBolter Thu 14-Jul-11 14:03:50

I kind of have the attitude that people who join in with nasty comments, particularly on a public website, are probably not very nice people themselves!

DamselInDisarray Thu 14-Jul-11 14:04:58

There isn't anything wrong with reading the public posts and status messages of anyone on facebook. If they don't want people reading them, then they can use the various privacy settings. You haven't invaded anyone's privacy.

I wouldn't be alarmed at what she or her friends have to say. It's not likely to be in any way factually accurate. If it bothers you, just don't click on her page in future.

Tillyscoutsmum Thu 14-Jul-11 14:06:23

Presumably the people making the comments are her "friends" and have only heard her side of the story. People using FB in this way make me cringe hmm

SingOut Thu 14-Jul-11 14:07:37

I wouldn't get involved with a divorcee until several years after they'd received their decree absolute. So for me I might be perturbed in the sense of 'Do I want to be friends with this person? What is her side of the story/what has he done/is he capable of doing?' but I wouldn't be that het up about it as a separated (not even yet divorced) man would not be an option romantically as I wouldn't want to wait around for literally years. I've been burned in the past and that's why I'm of this opinion - I'd at the very least suggest you proceed with extreme caution as there is potential for you to get very hurt.
Take care of yourself.

OnlyWantsOne Thu 14-Jul-11 14:09:21

Male your own decisions snout your feelings and instincts for this man

IME you will only end up feeling envy and sad by snooping.

nickschick Thu 14-Jul-11 14:12:10

Everybody knows how facebook works - she wants you to read her page.

TobyLerone Thu 14-Jul-11 14:14:53

Fair enough, the people posting these things are likely only to be hearing her side of the story. But don't forget, he's only giving you his side of the story. He's going to want to make himself out to be the wronged party in this because the alternative is that he looks like what she's saying about him.

I know for a fact that my ex-husband lied through his teeth about me to all of our mutual friends when we split up, and they chose to believe him. This made him look like the wronged one, when in fact it was the other way around and I just kept my mouth shut.

Basically, make your own mind up about him, but don't necessarily immediately dismiss what people are saying as bitter lies.

Also, I don't buy your story about her appearing as 'someone you may know'. I have never been recommended anyone I don't actually know in this box on FB. Just saying.

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 14-Jul-11 14:15:54

I agree with nickschick and she sounds very bitter. Block her so your not tempted to read her page again.

JaceyBee Thu 14-Jul-11 14:17:53

Well there is obviously always 2 sides to every story, I guess he has told you his side of why their marriage hasn't worked and she has her own views which may not exactly tally with his. I wouldn't necessarily believe everything her and her friends say or think, although you can't take his word as gospel either. You can only really judge people by how they treat YOU, and I don't mean by what they say but by their actions. He may well turn out to be all the things she says he is but you can't just go on her and her friends opinions.

In my experience, people who post on eachothers walls/comment on status updates etc on fb aren't always particularly close friends anyway, they're probably just digging the drama and chipping their 2 cents in!

Enjoy getting to know each other and make your own mind up about him based on how he is with you. And fwiw, I would have read her profile too, shouldn't have left it wide open should she?

thesunshinesbrightly Thu 14-Jul-11 14:18:13

Think it would come up if she is friends with someone you are or she had looked at yours.

Or was you just being nosey - nothing wrong with that.

Reality Thu 14-Jul-11 14:20:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SingOut Thu 14-Jul-11 14:20:46

Isn't it the case that if you look at someones profile on FB a lot, you will then be suggested to them as a friend in that sidebar thingy? So perhaps she is in fact stalking you! And does want you to read her wall. Just a thought.

YouCantTeuchThis Thu 14-Jul-11 14:20:49

I don't know...[sigh]

Say you had come across the information another way...overheard a conversation in a pub between friends of his ex-to-be. You may be able to better gauge whether they were just nodding on their friend to be supportive, or whether they held the genuine opinion that he is a 'bad sort'.

But, but, but... the red flag for me is that they have kids. They will always have a link and that may be acrimonious or not. You need to decide whether you really want to get involved in this situation, when you already have doubts about your judgement of him.

SingOut Thu 14-Jul-11 14:21:10

X posts with reality grin

OhToBeFree Thu 14-Jul-11 14:21:57

Thanks all.

I will not be rushing into anything nor will he. We are well aware of the need to keep our distances at this stage. We just get on very well as friends and find it easy to talk to each other.

I have posted about 'red flags' before and on the occasions we have seen each other have been looking out for these and so far have not had any niggling doubts at all.

He's not gushing, puts his kids before anyone or anything, works hard but not so hard it effects his time with kids, does not shower me with gifts or compliments, just a few subtle ones smile

I will be blocking her so as not to be tempted to read again!!


OhToBeFree Thu 14-Jul-11 14:24:27

My FB page is FBI secure so even if she has looked me up, she wouldn't be able to see anything.

JaceyBee Thu 14-Jul-11 14:25:30

"I am fairly sure that people who have nosed at your profile show up as 'people you may know'. It has happened to me."

Really! Shit! shock blush

LtEveDallas Thu 14-Jul-11 14:27:54

Toby, I have been recommended people that I don't know almost daily on FB. It seems to be friends of friends, so maybe the OP shares a mutual friend of the ex. Just saying.

OhToBeFree Thu 14-Jul-11 14:32:19

I will add, she is friends with people that are on the school PTA and I am on the PTA FB group so maybe she is linked that way?

buzzsore Thu 14-Jul-11 14:47:33

FaceBook says: ^What is "People You May Know"?
People You May Know helps you find people you are likely to know. We show you people based on mutual friends, work and education information, networks you’re part of, contacts you’ve imported using friend finder and many other factors.

Since our formula is automatic, you might occasionally see people you don’t know or don’t want to be friends with. To remove them from view, just click the X next to their names. Remember: Facebook will never send friend requests to anyone that shows up in this list on your behalf.^

It's most likely the PTA connection, I'd have thought.

OhToBeFree Thu 14-Jul-11 14:50:55

Thanks buzz!

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