Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am finally going to ask DH to leave properly. I need some courage.

(21 Posts)
drfayray Thu 14-Jul-11 11:18:40

I need strength to continue. I guess I just need confirmation that what I am doing is the best for me and my children.

I have been married for 24 years (would have been 25 on September 20). The man I am married to (the Adulterous Cuntknob) has been cheating on me. I need to tell this sad story so please bear with me.
He has been working away for up to 2.5 years now. We live in Queensland and he works in NSW. He works mostly Mon-Fri and comes home weekends. He has a demanding fairly high profile job. I used to work but was made redundant last August and have yet to find a job. Two children, a DS15 and DD 13. In January of this year I found an email on his iPad that he had sent to a woman; highly inappropriate, calling her Babe and beautiful etc. Please note I was not snooping but we were on a short break with kids and I wanted to read Mumsnet on a bigger screen. My DD had also been using his iPad and what shits me is that she could have easily taken it first. He claimed that it was just a good friend and get this?babe is an Australianism. Well fuck me and call me stupid but my first degree is in English Language and I am very very aware of what constitutes endearments let alone Australianisms.

Now about 6 months before, June 2010, I was getting concerned about our relationship. He was very distant and generally cold. We had not had sex for ages but it is very hard to do so when he is away and I have to deal with the children, work, house, everything. I found out about this woman, a colleague from his workplace, and he denied any physical relationship and agreed to see a marriage counselor. We went to 2 sessions. Meanwhile, I found out that he had sent flowers to this cunt for her birthday and for new year's eve. Then I found letters on my laptop (it used to be his work pc but he gets new equipment all the time) and photos of her clearly showing that they had spent the nights together. The letters were sickening to say the least. The Adulterous Cuntknob used language I have never heard him use before. EVER. I should have thrown the bastard out. I asked him if he had slept with her and apparently it had been going on since March 2010. But he said it stopped just before Christmas 2010. I found receipts that showed me he had also bought her gifts. He did not want to go back to the marriage counselor because he would have to tell the truth; that he did sleep with this woman when he said he had not.

Again I should have thrown him out. He comes here to the house every other week. The weeks he does not, he goes camping and kayaking. One of his ishooos with me is that I stop him from having his ?me time?. I do not. What I do not like is that he works away so much and prefers to spend time with other people rather than his children. I wanted to salvage this marriage. I know I could have been a better wife but he also could have been a better husband. He said that he would try marriage counseling but that he would choose another. He comes home and pretends everything is ok. He moved out of my bedroom at the end of March this year. I asked him to. Two weeks ago, he said he did not want to have counseling, that he did not want to be married but he did not want a divorce. He also said that he had two pressure points that he wanted to deal with. One was that I take over the finances, paying bills etc and I have done so. Before, he always did this and never complained. I had no idea it was a so-called Pressure Point. The other was that he could go off and do his activities. I have no control over what he does. He said that he had stopped sleeping with this woman. That he was only seeing her in a work context and not regularly as she was in another campus.

Today, when I am doing the bills, I find a credit card statement that does not make sense. I had asked him if there was any post to the house that was untoward and he said of course not. I also said that as the bills were in his name, I would have to open the post. This credit card shows very clearly that two weeks ago, on his so called camping trip, he had instead had a nice dinner out in her suburb and also bought from a supermarket and alcohol. He had also bought something online which did not come to the house.
This has broken me. The lies and deceit. My health has been affected by all this. My doctor wants to put me on anti-depressants and I am seeing a psychologist (on the doctor?s recommendation). I spoke to him on the phone (well, screamed I guess really) and told him that I do not want him coming back here. He has to tell the children. I cannot continue this farce anymore. I am left here looking after his children while he goes off fucking this woman and basically doing whatever the fuck he wants. I love my children deeply and have a fantastic relationship with them. I think I have been a single parent really for a long time in all but name.
I was clinging to a shred of hope that we could patch this. I was willing to try. He claimed he was. But I know now that he has been lying for nearly 7 months. And for a year before that.

I am broken. I keep crying. I am struggling. My friends (I have many dear friends who have been so supportive) say that I have to kick him out. I have not yet because of the children. But now I cannot bear having his minging fucking face near me.

I know I am a strong woman. For gawd?s sake, I did a Phd when I had two young kids. I am a good friend and a good person. I do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I cannot believe why I did not just throw the cunting bastard out when I first found out. Smart but so stupid I guess.
Well I am posting here because I want to know what you think. I have read the many threads here and have wanted to post before but had no courage. Tomorrow I have a doctor?s appointment and afterwards I am going to the jeweler's to get my wedding ring cut off and will sell it. The ring is thick, and nearly pure gold. I am also very afraid right now.

I have to stop thinking of the long years of a basically happy marriage that is now well in the past. I need to move on and get on with my life. Please help me with your wise and kind words. Please.

Newbabynewmum Thu 14-Jul-11 11:26:12

First off well done. It will get easier in time (cliche but true). Soon you'll be able to look back and feel so strong and be so proud of yourself.

You're definitely doing the right thing. Sorry I don't have any useful advice. But keep on going. Keep posting if it helps you to stay strong.

If you have a wobble then read back your story. You'd regret it if you don't do this. Well done xx

worldgonecrazy Thu 14-Jul-11 11:28:21

When I went through a divorce I found the biggest issue for me was the feeling that I had wasted so many years and the fear of facing life alone. The answer to the first one is that the quicker you get out the less days you will have wasted, and the answer to the second issue was just to get out there and do it, to always look 6 months ahead and one day I woke up and realised I was a grown woman and could stand on my own two feet.

The one thing you have on your side is that you have time to plan things properly, to ensure that you and your children have somewhere to live and money to live on.

Good luck.

DandyGilver Thu 14-Jul-11 11:33:21

You are doing the right thing. You can't fix a marriage on your own, and you have given it a more than thorough effort.

Best Wishes for the future.

Annpan88 Thu 14-Jul-11 11:34:06

I don't know what to say. No one can say you haven't tried your hardest to fix things. Cuntknob broke things and will have to live with runing what was without a doubt the best things in his life. He's not living in the real world if he thinks he can behave basically like a single man, take you for granted and cheat on you without a divorse.

Good luck and I hope you find sone one who deserves you xx

orangina Thu 14-Jul-11 11:53:09

I don't think you have anything to be afraid of re: living your life alone. You seem to be doing that already, as he is so uninvolved with the day to day of it all. The main difference will be that you will be able to be relaxed and happy and not constantly stressed and unhappy.

I can only see the positives I'm afraid. Good luck and enjoy your lovely new future!

smile

epicfail Thu 14-Jul-11 12:00:59

Looking at it written down like that - you cant fail to see just how awful it really is. I am glad you wrote it down - so you can read and re-read in those moments when you doubt you are doing the right thing. The kids will be ok - because you have raised amazing children (almost entirely on your own)
Love you xx

drfayray Thu 14-Jul-11 12:32:21

Thank you all very much. Yes, I know I have to do it. I have done my best.

By the way, epicfail is a very dear friend in RL which is why she has posted as she has.

As our dear Prime Minister says (Julia Gillard), I need to be Moving Forward!

foggyfig Thu 14-Jul-11 13:07:14

I am pleased with this step in your new life. You are strong and will get through this.

I don't think he is worth you destroying your mental health or your self esteem. You have tried to hold this together, but sometimes in our lives we have to say enough, and move on.

He no longer deserves to be a part of your family, even if has only been a distant figure lately.

Love you.xxx

AnyF Thu 14-Jul-11 15:11:44

I do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

This is all you need to acknowledge.

This man has no respect for you.

Get rid of him

And when he comes crawling back (he will) tell him you have changed your mid, and you no longer feel he offers you anything except as the co-parent of your children

AnyF Thu 14-Jul-11 15:12:47

is FoggyFig also epicfail ? hmm

HansieMom Thu 14-Jul-11 16:00:53

You need to protect yourself financially. Other people can tell you what you need to do, but in general, get copies of everything you can re bank accounts and pensions.

Also keep a diary. Put down as many things from the past that you can remember. Look at calendars from the last year or two. More things will come to you as you think back.

I think you are very capable and together and you will do just fine!

foggyfig Thu 14-Jul-11 16:28:08

No I am not epicfail, but I am a RL friend, and have helped her deal with her situation since she found out about her twunt of a husband.

AnyF Thu 14-Jul-11 17:44:33

glad to hear it, FF smile

Saffysmum Thu 14-Jul-11 19:32:26

drfayray: you will be fine. I ended a 22 yr marriage in April, and I haven't regretted it once. The thing to remember is that you can't fix him; you can't change him back into what he once was. Once I accepted this, and realised that the man I have lived with and tried to please in the latter years was one I really no longer knew, loved or liked, it became easy.

You're strong, you're intelligent, you have actually been coping on your own and "separated" (as I was too) for a long time. Things will be easier once you finish it for good. You will be able to live with yourself, regain your pride and self-respect, and move on. Good luck.

Wisedupwoman Thu 14-Jul-11 19:58:07

Yes, you are a strong, capable and clever woman. You are rightly outraged. You are justifiably wanting to tell him to fuck the hell out of it. You are hurting because he has done outrageous things to trash you and your feelings.

So do it. Tell him he's past his sell-by date and you don't want him in your face any more. You'll feel better sooner than you think.

let him fuck off and park his knob wherever he likes, you don't want it any more, do you?

drfayray Thu 14-Jul-11 23:34:34

Thanks again to those who replied. I really do appreciate it. Last night I went to bed early (for me, anyway) and slept like a log! Woke up feeling stronger somehow. I have to go drop my son off at school and then I am going to the doctor. THEN I am cutting off my wedding ring.

I guess it is the fact that we have been together so long and through quite a lot. Worldgonecrazy mentioned that above but she also said the sooner I get rid of this cuntknob, the less time I would have wasted.

And Saffysmum, your post was inspiring.

Thanks again. smile

drfayray Fri 15-Jul-11 01:54:42

Ring is now cut off. The jeweler did not charge me! I did not cry but now feeling oddly calm.
My new life starts now. Cuntknob-less!
grin

echt Fri 15-Jul-11 06:26:04

Good on yer, as we say in these parts.

Do read Saffysmum's thread for further inspiration.

Hurrah for getting rid of lying cheating selfish bastard cunt-knob!

It is normal to want to salvage such a long relationship; but it is better to let it go when the amount of shit you have put up with for as long as you have is too much to bear.

Not necessarily the OW's fault - unless she is fully aware of his marital status etc, which even as a colleague she isn't necessarily. However - neither here nor there - she's not the one who cheated on you, he is.

Consider telling your DC yourself. I realise it's not a great job but frankly, the sooner you tell them how it is in your own words, the better. Why wait for the LYING cheating cuntknob (love that description, btw) to give his twisted version?

Re. wasted time - in reality, you have only "wasted" the time since you first found out about his lying cheating ways. Stop thinking about it as wasted time - it was strength-building time, and time to make an effort to salvage your marriage. If you had bunted him out the second you found out, you might have wondered "what if I'd given him a second chance, what if he'd changed, what if I trashed the marriage for nothing" - this way you know it's dead in the water. Plus, regretting time that has already past is futile - nothing can bring it back. I spent 11 y with my first bloke, and was engaged to him when he fucked off with a secretary (cliché!) - but I don't consider the time wasted, we did a lot of things, bought 2 houses etc. which enabled me to get my own house when he left. There are always good things to be taken from the situation (however few!)

As echt says, good on yer - keep it up and post as much as you like for help, advice, comfort - there are a fair few of us Aussie-based MNers to chat to.

2rebecca Fri 15-Jul-11 08:38:14

I agree that just because a relationship doesn't last forever it doesn't mean you have wasted your time. You have 2 children who wouldn't exist without him, and have presumably enjoyed most of your years together or would have ended the relationship before now. If you stayed with him now, when it sounds as though you don't confide in each other, love each other, talk much to each other or share and support each others interests then you'd be wasting your time.
I think expecting a relationship to last forever is a tall order for most people and many couples in relationships that have ran their course stay together out of fear or inertia.
If it's his house as well he may not just go though. Sorting out finances during a divorce takes time.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now