Petty rows are pissing me off.

[lulu6867]

I have been married for 21 years and the first 20 were great but recently I get really jacked off when my husband does what he has always done and brings me down. He hasn't changed he has always been a very negative person but just recently it seems to get to me. Today I mentioned our holiday and he knows that it has been my dream holiday for years but he said some very negative things about it and couldn't even bring himself to pretend he wanted to go. He says I am spending too much and I should just calm down a bit and not get too excited. By all that you would think I had booked us a holiday in St Lucia wouldn't you, no I have booked us onto a campsite in Scotland so I can climb some mountains. I suggested we could hire a canoe at £35 to explore but he said I am not made of money and it will be cold and raining anyway so why bother, I wish I could go on my own but I would hate to be alone for a whole week and I have no friends at all to go with. I would understand a lot more if we were short of money but we are most definately not and I seem to live like a pauper sometimes and then go mad and spend money on stuff I don't really want just to upset him. I think he is just a real tight arse and need some advice on how to deal with him, as I said this has never really bothered me before but now the kids are grown up he is all I have left and I need to re asses how we go forward. Any tips?

[UnhappyLizzie]

Gosh, sounds grim. Not much to look forward to. Your dh sounds like a miserable (and tight fisted) git. You have no friends to go on holiday with - that's not unusual because lots of people go on holiday with their partner/family rather than with a mate.

Idea he is 'all you have left' is more worrying. If your kids have left home you are free if you want to be, don't have to agonise about splitting up the family. I think your first task should be to make some friends/get an interest outside your marriage so you can get some independence and self respect and not feel your life and happiness are defined by this negative man.

IMO, you'd be better off on your own than with someone who brings you down all the time. It would be liberating, having to deal with someone who counts the pennies all the time is miserable.

I know this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be; I know how you feel, my husband is very negative and also constantly transfers his anxieties about money on to me. I'm splitting with him and I've got kids.

[bejeezus]

couldnt you go on an organised activity type holiday? that includes mountain climbing and canoeing-then you wouldnt be alone.

I used to go away by myself a lot and always found that I was never really alone unless I wanted t be. There are always othe people on their own and you are more aproachable when you are by yourself, so people quite often chat

[lulu6867]

You are absolutely right and you sound like you are braver that me, I will find myself some friends first and then maybe I will feel a little more willing to ditch him. I am just looking for some night classes now. He makes me really negative about stuff too and I wasn't raised like that, you have made me feel a bit more positive about getting myself a few friends. Maybe I can finally move on, who knows.:)

[Fairenuff]

Have you told him that he is depressing you with his negativity? Could you say "You are spoiling my dream holiday so if you can't say something nice then STFU" (or words to that effect)