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My MIL doesn't like me or my oldest daughter :(

(43 Posts)
WhingingMum Wed 13-Jul-11 18:33:23

I can cope with her not liking me, but she makes it so bloody obvious she doesn't like our oldest daughter as well. DH takes all the kids there every few weeks for the day so I can get a day to myself - this is a happy arrangement with them, before anyone says 'no wonder she doesn't like you'. I know exactly why she doesn't like us and it's entirely her issue - nothing we've done wrong.

I'm just ranting really. Wish there was a way I could protect my DD from her grandmother's blatant and hurtful dislike of her sad

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 13-Jul-11 18:33:52

Why can't you?

Sparkletastic Wed 13-Jul-11 18:36:14

If it is that obvious don’t subject DD1 to her until it is addressed and resolved. Is DD1 not your DH’s child? What does he think?

MizzyTizzy Wed 13-Jul-11 18:40:10

There is a way to protect your DD, either less contact or only supervised contact with MIL.

WhingingMum Wed 13-Jul-11 18:43:02

Magnificent - because the other DCs want to see her and also her Grandfather is great with her. Can't do one without the other IYSWIM

Sparkle - he feels the same as me. Sadly resigned to it.

Mizzy - we're going to try to do that, but she (MIL) gets the hump so easily and the other DCs love her and she is great with them, and, as I said to Magnificent, FIL is fab.

Northernlurker Wed 13-Jul-11 18:46:53

Why are you subjecting your dd to this when you yourself avoid it?

Tell her grandfather to come to you if he wants to see her.

Protect your dd from this abuse.

MizzyTizzy Wed 13-Jul-11 18:51:16

In that case I'd make alternative arrangements for DD for some of the visits...somewhere where she will be appreciated...until MIL got used to the idea.

Sorry, but when it comes to DC's I think they should be the priority not the adults who are behaving like children.

OddBoots Wed 13-Jul-11 18:52:30

I can understand how you feel trapped. But if your dd knows that she has the freedom to choose to go or to stay with you then she will have some security in that power and hopefully that will offset things a bit.

WhingingMum Wed 13-Jul-11 18:55:17

I agree with you all. It's just very shitty sad She's not abusive to her or anything, but is impatient with her and makes no effort to play with her. She gets the hump so easily, and my oldest is very introverted. Where as most mature adults don't take offence when kids are like that, my MIL does, and has done since DD was a baby hmm Other three are so forthcoming.

I was wondering if I was being overprotective not wanting to force her to keep going there. Sounds like maybe I'm not.

MizzyTizzy Wed 13-Jul-11 18:59:16

I don't think you are being overprotective...DC's pick up on all sorts of unsaid 'messages' at a very early age...and it can have a huge impact later on.

I also think that part of the crapiness of parenting is having to make difficult decisions on your DC's behalf...the easy option is just to 'play nice' and hope it gets rarely does improve though.

Sparkletastic Wed 13-Jul-11 19:03:22

Has anyone ever confronted her about it? Or spoken to FIL about how it makes you all feel?

WhingingMum Wed 13-Jul-11 19:04:21

That's really helpful, Mizzy. I think you're right. sad She definitely knows something's not right. She was determined not to go last time, even though she has a fab time with FIL. Bad atmosphere's are horrible, and she knows it's bad. Honestly, though, how can you take offence at children behaving like children? It's pathetic! Makes me angry, and sad. Silly woman.

WhingingMum Wed 13-Jul-11 19:05:58

Sparkle - DH has thought about talking to FIL, but sometimes talking openly can just make everything much worse I think. She's not going to change, is she? She'll always be like she is - she's been like it all her life.

AnonymousBird Wed 13-Jul-11 19:15:38

Did I miss your DD's age? Sorry, am speed reading a bit here but couldn't spot it.

Dozer Wed 13-Jul-11 19:16:39

Agree with mizzy. Your DH should pull your mil up on her treating the kids differently and reduce the time mil spends with all the dcs until she can be nicer to dd.

Dozer Wed 13-Jul-11 19:17:21

If this won't work, just do it quietly and make excuses.

ebbandflow Wed 13-Jul-11 19:18:07

I have MIL problems and have found minimal contact is best for me. If you have the feeling that your MIL is hurting your daughter's feelings I would keep your DD at home with you, and just occasionally send her to her MIL. Also, I agree with you that your MIL sadly won't change.

Fairenuff Wed 13-Jul-11 19:18:11

She definately won't change if she doesn't think she has to, that's for sure.

ImperialBlether Wed 13-Jul-11 19:20:55

Can you tell us why she doesn't like you and why, specifically, she dislikes your daughter? Were you considered unsuitable? Did you get pregnant (gasp) before being married?

I wouldn't let her see any of them if she wasn't good to one of them, personally. I could not enjoy a day off whilst my daughter was there on sufferance.

EssentialFattyAcid Wed 13-Jul-11 19:21:01

There is a way to protest your dd - give her the option to stay at home with you

EssentialFattyAcid Wed 13-Jul-11 19:21:36

that should read "protect" your dd!!

WhingingMum Wed 13-Jul-11 19:21:53

She's 8, Bird.

Dozer - DH does pull her up on specific incidents, but it's a bit more 'hidden' than that, though. If he said 'you don't like DD' she'd just say 'yes I do, don't victimise me' or something along those lines.

Ebbandflow - I think that's what we'll have to do. But the others get a lot from being with them sad And, as I said, FIL is great.

Fairenuff - she won't change anyway. She treated DH and his brother differently too.

Fairenuff Wed 13-Jul-11 19:26:56

But presumably no-one has told her if you can play nicely, then you can't play at all? Not being patronising here and I'm sure you and your husband do what you can to handle this difficult situation but I would keep all the children away if she can't be nice to all of them.

If she wants to see them, she will have to treat ALL of them well.

If she can't see where she's going wrong, tell her.

If she can't/won't understand that's her problem tbh. Life's too short for these games. She needs to grow up or leave well alone (imo).

ImperialBlether Wed 13-Jul-11 19:27:36

Just laughing at "don't victimise me." Surely the only people who'd say that are the people who victimise others.

Fairenuff Wed 13-Jul-11 19:27:48

Also, your other DCs won't miss out because seeing her like that is bad for them, even if it's not directed at them.

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