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Divorcing a Narcissist - useful reading material

(11 Posts)
MollFlounders Wed 13-Jul-11 14:58:24

Hi there, I haven't posted for ages but had a huge amount of support in 2009/2010 in relation to leaving my soon-to-be-ex husband (he is refusing to get divorced on any basis other than consent, so I've had to wait the 2 years- up on about 7 August - hurray!).

Anyway, he has been (predictably) been giving me a huge amount of trouble in relation to DD, turning 3 in October. Just before Christmas, he started shared residence proceedinngs. While I had been avoiding mediation, I organised to go the week before his Court conciliation appointment- which meant that the judge dismissed his application, which was a huge relief.

Since then, we have been in mediation- and it is awful. H lies, twists, manipulates- everything you would expect. The mediators are very good, and I have been very frank about the nature of our relationship, and I know they take that into account.

The reason for posting is that I'm very interested in reading some helpful / supportive material on going through divorce proceedings / custody issues with a narcissist or borderline personality disorder sufferer.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. And any views on: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I've got loads of support in my life these days- fantastic lawyer, wonderful GP, amazing family, lovely new man, and my dearest of dear DDs. But I'd find it helpful to have some reading material.

I hope everyone who helped me or read my old threads is well, happy and healthy.

Thanks very much.

Lemonylemon Wed 13-Jul-11 15:01:19

I've no advice I'm afraid. I was wondering about you the other week <<not a mad stalker, honest grin >>

Glad that you've got lots of support, but your STBX is a right pain, isn't he?

SingOut Wed 13-Jul-11 15:58:08

Moll! So glad you are doing well, apart from stbx anyway. I remember you very well (I used to post under c.h.e.e.r.f.u.l.v.i.c.k.y) and it's nice to have an update. No advice I can give except that I'm delighted you're finally getting shot of the git legally, and just stick to your guns. Sounds like you've done really well which is fab grin

cestlavielife Wed 13-Jul-11 16:18:21

well done thus far!

the only thng is the book is american so some of the legal stuff may be different

some of the lundy bancroft stuff might be useful too - but again american legal system (for batterer read general abuser/controlling person)

GettingaWarmGrip Wed 13-Jul-11 16:21:31

I divorced a narc.

We had three court hearings taking four years. He lied his way through them all. He twisted everything. Everything was used against me.

I kept my cool. I told the truth. I spoke to the judges and called them 'Sir'.

Luckily for me, his own barrister thought he was a loon, and so when I was questioned by him, it was very gentle.

He showed his true colours in court as he is so arrogant. He thought that all the men in there thought like he did, I was only female present. Of course other men in there were normal, so were sickened by him.

I got more than I could ever have dreamed of as a settlement, and he was so angry he could hardly contain himself.

My advice is, just be yourself and be truthful. They do all the damage themselves.

He will never mess with me again as I hit him where it hurt him the his pocket.

With a narc you have to find the thing that they fear most and go in there hard. It was a hellish four years but in the end it worked out well for me and the kids.

Judges and barristers aren't stupid. They have seen this a million times before.

There is a forum in the US which talks about legal issues and narcs. It's a bit full on though so may not be for you. Let me know if you want a link.

MollFlounders Wed 13-Jul-11 17:31:24

It is so nice to hear from some familiar faces! Lemony, SingOut and Cestlavie - it's really great to see you here. I hope you're all ok. Sometimes the state I was in two years ago seems totally unimaginable- I never would have made my way through it without the support I had here.

GettingaWarmGrip - thanks for your post. I'm so glad you've made it through. I am sure I'm going to end up in the same position in terms of being put through court hearings etc. Stbx continues to hold the threat of a new residence/access application over my head- and we haven't even started to talk about money yet. That ball will get rolling when I re-start the divorce process next month (when I started about a year ago, on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, stbx's lawyers sent me a letter saying he was proposing to defend the divorce).

Anyway. I think I will take a punt on a few books.

Thanks everyone.

mathanxiety Wed 13-Jul-11 19:30:48

I am divorced from one and currently facing my fourth motion for contempt of court, filed by him. I had hoped by now he would have found another hobby that didn't involve kicking me in the teeth, but sadly no. It seems my role in life until youngest DD turns 18 will be punchbag/toilet/pantomime villain.

I don't think there is anything you can do to really shake them off, sadly.

Are you familiar with the work of Sam Vaknin? Maybe this page will give you some insights.

The worst part of trying to divorce anyone with NPD or BPD or a combination of both (quite common) is that it is so hard to convey to judges, lawyers, etc., what they are really like. There seems to be an information gap between what victims know about these people and what they are capable of and what 'others' know. They can dress up everything they are trying to do to you in a thin veneer of legalese and they are masters of disguise. And they can be relentless.

Hope I haven't depressed you. But forewarned is forearmed. Good luck in your process.

NicknameTaken Thu 14-Jul-11 11:40:54

Hi Moll, I remember your thread well, as I left my N ex in May 2007 and got a lot of consolation from your thread at the time. I agreed to wait the 2 years for divorce as well, as my ex was massively indignant at the suggestion he might have behaved unreasonably. In fact, he got me to agree to another 3 month wait (he's out of work and worried about his immigration status. Remind me why that's my problem, again?). So that takes me till August too...

I have a court order which gives me residence and him fairly generous access. Ex is talking to solicitors to try to get me to revisit it - I don't think they can do much, so he keeps trying to urge me to go into mediation. To which I say har har. Remember, the status quo is your friend. If your current set-up ain't broke, why should a court try to fix it? If your DD is happy and settled and has contact with both parents, then I don't see that it's in her best interests to unsettle everything again.

Don't know what is useful reading material, beyond revisiting our old friend Lundy. He has a book called The Batterer as Parent. I'm not sure how relevant it is to EA rather than physical abuse, and frankly, I'm too scared to read it. If you do go for it, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

springydaffs Thu 14-Jul-11 18:49:31

I'm watching this thread with interest. I went through this years ago and nobody, but nobody, had any idea at all what ex was like, what I was going through. Finding Sam Vaknin's work was a total revelation for me - at last I had found the exact description of ex's behaviour.

I wish you well OP. It sounds like you are already conversant with what to expect. I was in and out of court for 15 years (at ex's instigation) and it only stopped when he died. I admit to a shot of elation the moment I heard he was gone and couldn't touch me ever again. I won the last court action because by that stage I had to represent myself as legal aid refused to continue to represent me after endless court cases. I spoke clearly and reasonably, didn't get upset or riled, kept answers short, didn't go on, kept to the point. As I was getting the sympathy of the court, ex dismissed his team and represented himself. Ha! He dug his own grave. His barrister was astonished as ex showed his true colours. Barrister called out to me a 'goodbye' as I left the court, having won hands down. The one and only time though sad

I'm sorry that isn't much help OP, just to say that some of us have been where you are. In n years time the books we need will prob be out... and everyone will be accusing every ex of NPD. or has that happened already confused?

HansieMom Thu 14-Jul-11 19:41:45

Hi Moll, I was glad to hear from you too. I was riveted to your earlier thread. He was an arrogant so and so. The two things that stick in my mind was how he would take your toddler to the park and lie down in the sun with his arm over his eyes (am I embellishing this? maybe, that's how I remember it) while your toddler daughter chased pigeons. He didn't want to play with her, or have fun with her, he was just putting in his time. The other thing was him sitting out on the balcony which overlooked a river, which was quite high off the ground, completely unsafe for children, in an apartment you paid for, enjoying himself and thinking it would be just fine for you all, cause he liked it. Congratulations on how far you have come.

springydaffs Fri 15-Jul-11 00:38:52

Mine lay on ds's hospital bed after ds had been wheeled off for heart surgery, put his hands behind his head, stretched out, sighed a contented sigh, and flirted with the nurses. He was having a whale of a time.

sorry, not a competition here blush

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