dp doesn't cope with my stropy teen ds

[saffy66]

I come out of a really bad relationship then I have been single for about a year before i met someone.I live with my ds (17) and I see my other ds (12) at weekends who lives with his dad. They can be sometimes hard work as teen boys are and I am struggling to controll them . My older has aspergers which doesn't make things easier at all. I can be conservative as a parent , I am not English and I think my values are important to stick too but also I can be judged as a mum who does too much for her children.The man I met a year ago is lovely ,kind and supportive and he says he loves me and for this reason he can not cope with the way my sons treat me they are disrespectful and don't listen . dp thinks I can not controll my 2 sons at all. Things are easier when he is around,(I know it is wrong, I shouldn't put that responsibility on him ) although he doesn't like interfering so he just stays quiet most of the time and let me deal with them.I should be strickter but have my own idea how to deal with them but I have to admit a lot of time I end up shouting at them and get nowhere which can be flustrating watching from outside. I would like to move in with dp and my ds would too as he actually likes my dp but he is against the idea so much that i think our relationship is doomed because of this. I know a lot of you reading this and will tell me that children come first and I agree I am just sad I feel i will never be able to find a way to make this situation better for everybody . The only option is live separately from DP until they grow up and became independent? Am I destined to be alone bringing up my lovely ds as noone can cope with them?

[Bogeymanface]

Am I destined to be alone bringing up my lovely ds as noone can cope with them?

It depends. Would you be prepared to look into whether your parenting technique needs some help? Would your DP be prepared to work at his parenting technique and his expectations as a potential step father of a SN and NT teen.

If you both would then you could work at this problem together and hopefully make a much happier family for all four of you. If either of you isnt prepared to do that then maybe this isnt the right relationship. I am not saying either of you is wrong, but perhaps you could use a little help to meet in the middle and to consider that there are areas you could both improve on.

Btw, does he have children of his own? If he doesnt then there is a good chance that his expectations are far higher than the average teenager is able to deliver and he may need some education on that point!

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

I would like to move in with dp and my ds would too as he actually likes my dp but he is against the idea so much that i think our relationship is doomed because of this

I'm not entirely sure what you're saying here. Do you mean that, although he likes your dp, your ds doesn't want you to move in with dp? Or that your dp doesn't want you to move in with him?

If you move in with dp, what is involved? Will you be giving up or selling up your property to move in with dp? What will happen to you and ds if it doesn't work out - where will you live?

[fuzzynavel]

Its a hard one. Having teens is challenging at its best whether with the bearer or not if parenting skills differ.

I would be inclined not to put my dp in the situation of having to try to wade in. Your kids are too old to have another interloping supposed father figure.

I decided that I will not live with a man until my DS is either off my hand or an adult. It works for me and my DP. We are separate in or dwellings and spend a certain amount of time together.

[AllAroundTheWorld]

I have a 12 yo boy as well and I have made the same decision as fuzzynavel. I have a DP who has moved into a flat a few streets away, so we all spend a lot of time together, but it means we're free of a lot of the conflicts that arise when co-habiting. It is far simpler financially as well.

Just because you are not living together, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed - in fact, I think it's easier to keep the spark when you only see each other a few times a week.