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Should I confront my husband?

(8 Posts)
LittlePudding1 Wed 13-Jul-11 09:52:02

I'll give you a bit of back story first. We've been together for around 11 years, 2 dc's, toddler and baby. DC2 is just coming up to a year old. DH is a good man, works hard, is great with the kids.

However, our sex life hasn't been great for about a year. We've probably only had sex a couple of times which is mainly my fault (just haven't felt like it, tired from getting up in the night and not really any sex drive). Although partly his fault too as he likes to stay up late and always initiates it when I've been asleep or first thing in the morning when the kids are about to wake up. I have known for a while our sex life has been a problem so its maybe my own fault that this has happened.

This morning I went through DH's texts (don't know why as have never done this before) and there were some quite explicit ones, leaving no doubt that he has been having sex with this woman.

Anyway, after DH had gone to work I called the number (141 in front), no answer and no v/m, not really sure what I was going to do if she answered.

I know I need to talk to DH about this and get it out in the open but I'm really scared as firstly I think he'll try and deny it and push the blame on me for reading his texts and secondly I really don't want our marriage to end.

Also, how do we go about fixing this if it can be fixed?

I have just posted this in AIBU but am not sure it is the right place so have moved it over here.

Would appreciate any advise


pink4ever Wed 13-Jul-11 10:00:36

Am afraid the only advice I would give is to try and gather more evidence. Have you checked pc/laptops? Go through reciepts,bills for any unexplained transaction. Arm yourself so that when you confront him you have enough proof to ensure you get the full truth.
Please do not blame yourself-many womens libido suffer after having dcs but that doesnt excuse your dh going elsewhere.
It does not nessacarily mean the end of your marriage but he does need to take full responsibility and to work with you to try and get past this.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 13-Jul-11 10:02:18

So sorry - I would advise you to talk to your H and confront him with the evidence.

Please do NOT take the blame for his affair or for reading his texts - he chose to have an affair rather than work on the marriage. The affair is all about him and his selfish ego.

As well as reading other affairs threads on here, visit a couple of websites (try googling Shirley Glass, Katie Lersh, BeyondAffairs) in order to prepare yourself for the confrontation.

LittlePudding1 Wed 13-Jul-11 10:13:05

Thanks for you replys and advice. I agree, I definitely need to speak to my husband. Will have a look at some threads/websites now to get prepared

icanttakealltheblame Wed 13-Jul-11 10:15:56

Am so sorry LittlePudding, I know how awful this is as I have been there. Unfortunately I think you are going to have to confront him, because if you don't you will find yourself becoming more and more suspicious. Plus you say the texts leave you no doubt that he is having sex with this woman.

Be prepared for him to lie and deny it, but I doubt very much he will have the nerve to have a go at your for reading the texts - your crime pales into insignificance next to his! My husband denied it, and I ended up becoming some sort of Miss Marple, checking his facebook, internet history etc until I found this woman on facebook, whereby I set up a fake account and emailed her to ask her straight out as he kept denying it. So Pink4ever has a point, if you are still unsure about confronting him, try to see what else you can find - if nothing else it will get you so angry that you will eventually show him all this evidence and it will all come out.

But sadly, it will come out, and wouldn't you rather know, so that you can deal with it one way or the other? Denying it's happening will crush you sad

Am so sorry though, I do know how much of a huge shock this is, and my heart goes out to you. x

toomanyeasterbunnies Wed 13-Jul-11 10:45:11

So sorry pudding. You definitely need to confront and as icanttakealltheblame said he will deny it and perhaps get angry about reading his texts. But stay strong and do not take the blame. I am almost 4 months on from discovering H's affair and I won't deny that it is really hard and I am struggling. But I would much rather that I found out and confronted him as I suspect the longer his affair went on the more he would have perhaps left me as he was starting to fall for her (he initially said it was just about sex). We are going to relate and the counsellor is very much making me see this was not my fault. I was in a similar position to you. Have 3 young DC's and we hadn't had sex for 9 months after DC3 was born before his affair started. I was so exhausted that I just didn't realise he was feeling rejected. He could have told me how he was feeling but he didn't. He chose to have an affair.

Good Luck X

Renaissance227 Mon 18-Jul-11 16:39:03

How have you got on? Did you confront him?

ENormaSnob Mon 18-Jul-11 17:33:38

This is not your fault.

Your husband chose to put his dick in another woman.

Get yourself an sti check.

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