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Baby 5 months old, partner walked out, please help :(

(14 Posts)
girlwithouttattoo Tue 12-Jul-11 20:44:10

I'd been with my DP for nearly 6 years and gave birth to our DS in January this year following hypertension in late pregnancy and an emergency C section. Two months ago I was diagnosed with PND and although our relationship was tenuous throughout my pregnancy I just put this down to hormones/work stress and to some extent DP's work related problems/ depression as I noticed a change in him too. No longer fun loving but continually angry with everyone and eveything. Two weeks ago my DP said he no longer loved me, hadn't for months and could not live with me anymore - not to my face but whilst I was visiting relatives 200 miles away. I'd always had some reservations as to whether he would be happy in another relationship as two years before meeting me his partner of 12 years walked out on him taking his DD away from him. He has always said he would do anything for his kids but obviously not enough to stay with me. I am hurt, angry and confused as to why my family disintigrated? Not only have I lost what I always wanted but also my SD, and the stable family unit we all shared together. I just don't know what to do? He is refusing my calls and the caring, sharing family man I once knew is gone. Its now come down to, 'Here's your maintenance, now FF and bring up our son'.....6 years together and its all gone down the pan. What can I do? I love him and want my family back?

LonelyLinda Tue 12-Jul-11 20:49:00

Oh no, I'm really sorry to hear of your horrendous situation that has appeared out of the blue, what a shock. I'm sorry but I don't have any advice really but I'm here until someone else turns up who can help you! x

girlwithouttattoo Tue 12-Jul-11 20:59:01

Thanks Lonely Linda, I feel my world has been turned upside down and I don't know what to do. Should I give him what he wants or should I leave him be? I can't bring myself to believe its over.......

lifesohard Tue 12-Jul-11 22:36:16

I am really really sorry - I completely understand how you are feeling as I was left with two kids (one a newborn) 7 months ago. It is a nightmare but I promise you it will get easier and I would say try and leave him be and concentrate on you and your child.

girlwithouttattoo Tue 12-Jul-11 23:12:23

Thanks LSH, I sometimes wish it was a few months down the line as I keep thinking he'll call and change his mind - delusional I know!

Its not really hit me emotionally yet and I don't know if I'm in denial but I don't want to spend months crying when it finally does. At the moment I'm so peeved that his dad is already missing lots of 'firsts' and that's someting you can never get back.

Hopefully my angry phase will kick in shortly and I can think about getting my life on track and out of this limbo. Its bad enough dealing with PND and now a breakup that I really don't know how I will cope. That old cliche comes to mind, 'I can't see the wood through the trees'. Arrhhhhh!

What is it that he wants? Is he saying that there is something you must do and that he will return to the relationship if you obey him?

lifesohard Wed 13-Jul-11 08:29:36

I completely get wanting time to pass - I still do. I want to fast forward to next year by which time I hope I am feeling better! I won't lie to you, you have a long way ahead of you but each day you get through is an achievement. I think having a young baby makes it really really hard but in a way it kept me strong so I hope it will for you too. It gave me a purpose and I had to eat, drink, sleep etc to look after my baby not me.

You will feel like you are in limbo, I still do, and you will feel in denial. Again I can't believe that I am actually going through this, but I think this is life's way of protecting you. Each day you will get through because you HAVE to and it will get easier. You will begin to realise that it is his loss, that you deserve better, and that life will move on. I know that is impossible now as it is such early days. Please PM me if you want. I honestly understand how you are feeling. I was so low in the first few weeks but I can now think about my DH and not cry which is a good thing!!

Good luck.

PS I would put money on thee being more to the situation than he is letting on and also him regretting his decision at some point... X

oldwomaninashoe Wed 13-Jul-11 08:56:55

You poor thing. I'm sure there is more to this than meets the eye but whether you will get to the bottom of it in the near future is questionable.

As Lifesohard said you need to go into self protection mode for you and your child. Lean on your family and friends, and try not to think about him and what he is missing.
Remember HE is doing exactly what he wants to do, you have no choice in the matter.

I hate to say this but this type of behaviour, and the "not loving you any more" often indicates someone else on the scene...yes he will deny it till he's blue in the face!

You and your child are the most important people in all this, make sure you get some legal advice and really take each day as it comes, and look after yourself xxx

girlwithouttattoo Wed 13-Jul-11 11:40:00

Hey ladies, thanks for your support. Its really helping me to cope in these dark days.

SpringChicken, he says his feelings for me are dead and that he would end up hating me if we stayed together and I would eventually become his door mat! Nice to know the man I love could be such a bully! He basically said its not working and that's that. I really do believe that he can't handle being a full time dad to our son, because he was never allowed to be a full time dad to his daughter. He's done to me what his x did to him. I think she tainted him for good..........

Lifesohard, isn't it great that we let these men do this to us? He was my world and maybe that's the problem, I put him above everything and everyone else and he still threw it in my face. Maybe he couldn't handle that a baby was now occuping my time. He also got it into his head that he couldn't give me what I wanted, marriage (which I accepted) and to move away. I think he felt as though he was losing control of his life again? I look at my little one and I have moments when I say I can't do this, then the next, I feel like its time for a new chapter in my life and I get excited. Its the constant ups and downs that I'm finding hard to deal with and the flux of different emotions. Its also really hard to come to terms with the fact that over the last month we were making love nearly every night. Guess what he said to that? He was going through the motions...... Bloody cheek! Now I just feel dirty!

Oldwomaninashoe, I really hope that there isn't OW and there is something else that has caused this. We were finally getting the physical side of our relationship back on track and I thought it would bring us closer. It obviously cemented something different for him, and I feel USED.

I promise to try and look on the positive side of things and keep my chin up. Let's see what the next few days bring and if he responds to my solicitors letters. xx

girlwithouttattoo Wed 13-Jul-11 11:43:15

P.S Maybe one day he'll be able give me the answers I'm after and I can put our relationship to bed and just let him be a dad to our boy.........

lifesohard Wed 13-Jul-11 12:11:31

I think wanting to know answers is one of the hardest things, and you may have to realise that you will never really know them. I still don't and am really struggling with this. Sometimes I think they don't really know either. I never ever thought there was an OW involved in my case but there was. I found out a few months after he left; he is now no longer with her but I think was the reason he left so maybe bear it in mind. I still don't understand how he could throw 12 years away, a family, a home, future etc and like you he was my world, but you will create a new world, I promise, and you will one day be able to see him just as a father to your son. It will take a lot of time, and it may be before then he comes back and you can reconcile, but don't pin your hopes on that.

I wish I could say something to take the pain away, but I know there is nothing at this stage. Just hang on in there and take each day as it comes.

Wilkoa Wed 13-Jul-11 21:21:09

Oh hun, my heart goes out to you. Your situation is very close to mine - horrible, horrible. H of 5 years started going downhill when I was pregnant with DS. He dumped me on the phone a week before I had DS. I miss my SD very, very much. I helped bring her up for 5 years and miss her every day. BUT - things ARE getting better one year on. The shock and devestation was replaced by anxiety and I'm afraid I am still very angry! Haven't got passed that yet.

Take care of yourself, focus on your baby, surround yourself with family and friends. I also got counselling on the NHS to help make sense of it all.

I don't want to make assumptions about your situation but there was OW involved in my case, a close friend of mine. I was never told, I had to find out for myself....but once I knew, it helped to move on.

All I can say is look after you and your little one. These are tough times and you need support right now. And don't take any crap from your ex. Keep contact to a minimum! It's all about you and your baby from now on. And you probably don't believe me now but you will gain enormous strength from this awful situation. And you will forge an incredibly close bond with your child as a result. Promise.

StableButDeluded Thu 14-Jul-11 01:03:48

Hi, girlwithouttattooI just wanted to add my support too. My DH told me in April that he wanted to part and moved out 3 weeks later, saying that he didn't love me anymore and couldn't cope with the stress of me having anxiety issues. Apparently I made him sad, stressed and miserable. We have been married 19 years.

I too had PND when DS was born 5 years ago, and although the PND has been managed, I have suffered with anxiety ever since. This sometimes meant I would have panic attacks about not being able to be on my own with DS whilst my husband was at work, so I would sometimes call him home early, or get him to take days off when i felt really bad. He absolutley hated the disruption this caused him at work, and so he often used to act as if I was doing it on purpose, which made me feel guilty and even worse. I guess after 5 years, he's finally had enough.

They way you say you feel is so similar to how I felt at first, and still do feel to some extent. You have PND and I have anxiety, and that makes it especially hard to cope with life-changing events like these. Your first reaction is denial, or a kind of numbness, like your brain can't take it in. In my case, the anger came next, mixed in with hurt and grief, it's such a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I was screaming that I hated him, but at the same time grieving over him and wanting him back. I think those feeling are all normal, and everyone who has lost someone they love goes through them.

I also have the same flux of emotions you mention. One minute I'm in despair thinking 'I'll never cope alone with DS', then the next I'm much more confident and thining 'yes, I can do this and maybe my life will end up being even better in the future'. It's all so up and down.

Your husband has said exactly the same as mine-that he would end up hating me if we stayed together. Also that he would do anything for our DS and I thought exactly the same as you-that if that's true, how could he leave us and split our family up?

The hardest thing I have now found to cope with was the fact he met someone new barely a week after moving out. I felt as if it was another blow and all the same feelings started all over again-shock, anger, hurt. It wasn't that I thought he would come back to me, he's already made it clear that wasn't going to happen. But he had said he wanted to remain friends if possible, and for us to still take DS out on day trips etc together in the future when things were more settled between us, and I think I hung on to this as my 'safety net'-a sense that there was going to be a time of adjustment for us both, time for me to come to terms with being on my own most of the time with DS and getting used to my husband as just a 'friend'.

But his meeting someone so soon has completely shaken me, and caused me a lot of anger as he now changed his mind about us still doing the occasional day out with DS-but he is pushing me to let DS meet the new woman, because he wants to be able to do stuff with her and DS! It is so, so hurtful, but he just doesn't get why I get so angry with him.

You say he is ignoring your calls, the only advice I can offer from what I'm going through is to try to stop calling, or at least cut down how much you call. Believe me, I know how hard it is, I've spent the last three weeks calling and texting, sometimes valid stuff but often angry stuff that just doesn't help. Then the next minute I'm phoning to say sorry and crying and apologising, and it just goes round and round in circles.

In the end all the phoning has made things worse, because whereas my H was talking to me about his feelings and mine, he now won't talk, phone, or text about anything other than practical things to do with DS. He says he will only talk to me if we go to Relate to sort out how we can move on amicably for DS's sake.

So for the last 3 days I have not texted or spoken to him at all and I am trying to think that the best way not to let him 'get to' me is to focus on trying to be the best mum I can to DS and to stop making my H feel that I need him, by ringing & texting all the time. Even though I still feel I need him, I'm going to tell myself 'I CAN do this on my own, these feelings WILL pass'. It's not easy, but I'm sure you too will get to a point where you can do something similar.

DS has a school assembly on Friday that the parents are invited to. I will be going and as far as I know so will H. But I'm not going to give in and ask him, I'm just going to go, find a seat and if my H is there already, or comes in after, well-where he sits is his choice. As long as my son sees me there supporting him,that's my priority now and I feel quite proud that after two weeks of severe depression, I can actually feel able to do that.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, I probably I haven't really helped you much! I just wanted you to realise you're not alone in the way you feel, and that all your feelings are valid. Are you getting any additional help with your PND now that you have this extra stress to deal with? I have been assigned a community psychiatric nurse who visits once a week-she's only been twice so far, but I've found talking to her a great help, as she is a 'neutral' person who doesn't take sides, yet manages to make me feel that my feelings are valid and I'm not being unreasonable. And I think we really need to feel that when we have ex-partners who are acting like idiots and making us feel guilty and crap!

Sorry you are having such a shit time. Really, the only way to tackle this, one step at a time, is to sort out all the legal/financial stuff (do not agree to or sign anything in a rush, see a solicitor), keep contact with him to a minimum and fact-related only, then slowly start rebuilding your life. Trying to work out why or how to make him come back is a miserable waste of time and energy.
Best of luck.Every single day is another day on the way to feeling better.

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