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My mum has finally told me what I already knew, that she never wll forgive me for choosing my dad.

(19 Posts)
TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 17:14:57

I already knew that she felt lke that, i've been able to tell for years. Even though we appear quite close, it has always been there bubbling away under the surface.

I have told her that I refuse to be made to feel guilty for the desicion I made, and that I stand by it and would do the same again.

I quite want her to leave me the hell alone now. She just won't leave it alone, and I feel lke I have been transported back over 15yrs to the middle of their divorce.

ImperialBlether Tue 12-Jul-11 17:33:50

How awful for you. What were your reasons for choosing your dad over her? Did you see much of her afterwards? How was she towards you?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Tue 12-Jul-11 17:36:03

Why did they put you in the position of having to choose?

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 17:38:13

In the end I chose who I thought we'd be happiest with. I considered how both of them had behaved during the divorce and how that had effected all of us, and also how they both were to live with generally.

After the divorce I didn't see my mum for about 3mths, but then i started staying over at hers once a week with my younger brother. My eldest brother didn't speak to her from before she left to about 3years ago.

We appear close on the outside but really that s because we live close by and I have children i think.

She has now fallen out wth my younger brother and his gf and was having a go at me about ths when it all kicked off about the divorce.

I have told her that I do not want to talk about the divorce with her again ever, or my dad, but she won't drop it. Sge always has to make nasty and snide comments about my dad ( he doesn't about her). They haven't spoken since the divorce btw and I am fine with that. INfact the thought of having them in the same room sends me into a panic.

orangina Tue 12-Jul-11 17:39:49

(good question magnificent)

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 17:40:09

Well they didn't really I suppose. It was just assumed at the begnning that we would all stay wth my mum. Thats not what my eldest brother wanted though, and as he was 16 he was allowed to choose without any real problems.
I was 12 though and when I decided I also wanted to stay with my dad I was constantly told it wasn't allowed and my mums family said I was horrible for even thinking of such a thing.

In the end I got my own legal representation.

Proudnscary Tue 12-Jul-11 17:50:23

I have quite a lot in common with you and I totally get the 'transported back to childhood' thing.
You were a CHILD. Your parents chose to split up, it was not your fault or your problem although it caused you so much heartache. You sound like you were a very brave youngster who tried your best to do the right thing for yourself and those around you.
Please do not get sucked back into the past or engage with your mother about this.
Want her to leave you the hell alone? Ok well you have absolutely every right to cut her off completely until/if you are ready to manage her or she is willing to see how unreasonable she is being.
Why should you go through all this pain again - you've done it once.
She can fuck off.
I hope you are ok xx

DragonAlley Tue 12-Jul-11 17:55:01

Devil's Advocate: Imagine how you would feel if your children chose not to live with you.

i'm not trying to justify anything she's done as I don't have the whole story. as I said, devil's advocate.

discrete Tue 12-Jul-11 17:56:04

What further confirmation could you possibly need that you made the right choice?

I did the same btw (though years after the divorce) - and my mum has never once said a thing about it.

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 17:56:22

Thank you Proudandscary.

I have hung up on her twice in 2 days because she rings and starts all over again. I will continue to do that until she gets the message.

It's daft because it is exactly this type of mad controlling behaviour that made part of my desicion for me all those years ago.

My dad never talks about what happened, not unless I bring it up. Enough was said all those years ago and it doesn't need going over again.

discrete Tue 12-Jul-11 17:57:57

Dragon - I'm sure it hurt my mum, but she was at least mature enough to understand that she had to accept my choices as to what to do with MY life.

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 17:59:16

Dragon - I have thought about that many times, because I am a lone parent. Honestly, hand on heart. If my children did that to me I would be absolutly gutted but never ever would I make them feel the way she makes me feel over it.

It is so hard to explain why i chose my dad. It wasn't even a case of one being better than the other really, it was just the right choice.

My dad did a brilliant job wih us all, and it was hard, and we all had our moments but it was the right thing.

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 18:01:02

That's exactly it Discrete. It's like she is basically saying that my choices are rubbish ones and count for nothng and that I must bjustify them.

I spent the whole divorce and after justifying my choice to people who thought it odd that as a girl i'd chosen my dad.

defineme Tue 12-Jul-11 18:02:00

I am imagining how I would feel in her position all those years ago...
I'd feel gutted that my kids had decided that and I'd do my very best to make up for whatever shortcomings had made them decide that.
I'd feel very guilty that my children didn't want me.
In short, I'd blame myself and wouldn't dream of blaming a 12 yrold or a 16 yr old for that matter.
She's a bit mad-try not to let her send you the same way-it can be infectious.

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 18:04:28

Thankfully defineme I am quite dfferent to her and don't really bring my chldren up in the same way as she did. That's another thing she often disagrees with.

I am sure in time it will blow over and we will talk again, but right now I think I just need some space.

Proudnscary Tue 12-Jul-11 18:05:17

I think you are doing the right thing by cutting her off, I really do. I know exactly what you are going through, trust me. I really feel for you.

I feel the same as you, I've had the shit thrown at me and all around me for years. Now - ENOUGH. I don't want to know. I am 41 years old with my own (very happy little) family.

I hold my mum at arm's length, I manage her. She finally got the message that I will not engage with her on anything other than niceties and conversations to do with the dc. I won't be drawn in to her histrionics and bitching about myself or anyone else in the family. I cut her dead if she tries to do that. My mum has 'mad, controlling' tendencies too but if you don't respond or react you take the wind out of their sails. She will probably now try some guilt tripping tactics.

Stay strong.

DragonAlley Tue 12-Jul-11 18:17:19

I don't think there's a lot you can do if she doesn't want to move on. Can you write her a letter, put it all down on paper about how you feel, how you understand she was hurt by your choice, that you are sorry she feels that way (NB this is not actually an apology) but that you need to get past it and start your relationship afresh. if she can't get past it then it won't work between you and that's not what you want.

(I'm usually Soupy btw)

whizzyrocket Tue 12-Jul-11 18:20:10

I think you're doing the right thing in holding her at arm's length. She sounds like the sort of person who when she was a child threw a tantrum and everyone did what she wanted just so she'd stop; when she grew up she saw no reason to change her ways.

So if I were you I would just blank all the crap until she sees that her manipulative tactics aren't going to work on you.

Good luck though, I know this stuff makes you feel just horrid.

TheOriginalNutcracker Tue 12-Jul-11 18:21:34

I have said that Soupy, but maybe writing it down might work better.

My relationship with my mum is very similar proudandscary, which is a shame but that is how it has to be.

Life is never simple is it.

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