Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Famil ruined by blame?

(6 Posts)
KingsleysMummy Tue 12-Jul-11 16:16:36

I feel so hurt sad

My brother and I had a rather difficult child hood, as our mother (our only parent) was physically and mentally abusive towards us, me especially, but that is because i knew my father, and missed him terribly. She hated me for this. My brother, being 5 and half years younger, never knew him.

I would say we carry the scars from this, and although we are a tad messed up emotionally. We have done ok.

I loved my brother, and felt we had been in it together. I ran away when i was 15 (my relationship with my mother was terrible by this time), but always stayed in touch with my brother, perhaps a bit intermittently, as there was no phone in the house, or mobiles / internet back then. But i did my best.

When i turned 16 i was offered a job working for a man who kept horses. Before running away, i had sometimes ridden his horses for him, and he was keen to employ me. I lived in a caravan, illegally at the back of his stables, but i did not care, anything was better than living with my mother.

I worked for this particular employer for about a year, and other than being a bit of an arrogant man, i quite liked him really.

I came back to work for the same employer when i was 19, it was only for the winter only. During this time i managed to secure a job for my brother, mowing lawns, digging gardens, etc.. He was almost 14. I was delighted for him, as i knew he was never given pocket money, and mother refused to buy him the latest trainers etc, which seems to be so important to young, teenage boys.

I moved to london after the winter and started to settle there. My brother continued to work for this person.

Fast forwarding some years, my brother went to uni. Did well, and left to work in Japan - for 5 years. Up until he left for Japan, i had, what felt like, a mutually good caring relationship with my brother.

He returned a different person sad

At first he said he was too busy, and stressed to make/have contact or meet up, as he started a masters degree straight away upon his return. I found it a little odd, but accepted it. Then 2 years on, I lost my partner (he died) and i needed and wanted to move away. Although i felt my brother had been acting a little odd towards me, i wanted to move to the north to start over with my life, and my babies life, who was due to be born, and to build the bond again with my little brother.

Since moving to be be near him, i have been treated with utter disdain. I have been trying for over 2 years to 'be his friend'. In return i he has treated me like an unwanted dog. I could not understand why he almost breathed hatred when having to speak to me. I asked why, on so many occasions, does he make feel as though i have done something wrong. He never gave me any answers, and the more I asked the more nasty he would be.

It has reached the point that i can take no longer take his treatment, and i have ceased to make contact with him. He would never contact me, and i can only imagine he is now very happy.

A few days ago I found out that he has been abused, sexually. And the abuser was my former employer.

All this time, for these recent years - he blames me, as it was I who got him the job.

I am mortified. I was trying to help. To do a good thing for my brother, to make his life better. I had no idea, not in the slightest, that this man would do such a terrible thing to my little brother. I had know this man since i was 12, and I myself had been with him alone on many occasions since once i turned 16. He had never once indicated that he was a bad man.

I have not slept for a few nights now. I feel a range of emotions.

I am devastated that i did not protect my younger brother, but i also know i am not to blame. or am I ? I don't know what to think.

I am mortified, and angry, that my brother blames me, and has treated me so badly for so long because of this. I feel i want to scream at some one, i feel such rage towards this man who did this. I feel such rage to this man, and my brother for ruining my relationship with my brother.

I know this sounds strange, but i kind of feel like my brother has been covertly abusing me emotionally for the last few years, and i kind of feel dirty now that i know why. I am not sure how this will sound, i am sorry if it sounds strange. It feels strange, but i really do feel dirty, knowing i am the link to something very bad that has happened to him, and knowing that he blames me.

I feel absolutely terrible for what has happened to my brother. but i also feel i will never be able to forgive him for blaming me. I know that sounds so selfish. I am sorry. Having been through bereavement (when i lost my partner) I now also feel like my brother has died. All those, what were once happy memories, playing with him as we grew up, now feel sad, and deeply painful.

Please can anyone help me to work through these awful feelings? My brother does not know that i now know, and I am not sure telling him would be a good idea. I would be grateful to know what you think? With no family, or friends for support, and having not long recoved from depression, due to bereavement, I feel I need to be able to get things together, and quickly for the sake of my lovely little boy. Please don't ask me to visit the doctor.

Thank you so much if you have managed to read this far.

I hope you may be able to help xxx

oldwomaninashoe Tue 12-Jul-11 16:45:29

I feel you need very specialist help to work through all your feelings and would strongly suggest counselling.

DutchOma Tue 12-Jul-11 16:55:50

In the first place, I agree with you that you are not in any way to blame. It is terrible what has happened to your brother, but you were not to know.
The question I would like to ask is: "Why did your brother never talk to you when it was happening?" You were in touch, at the time. He could and should have talked to somebody, but most especially to you. He was no baby, he had a voice.
I also agree with the previous poster that you need specialist help in working through all the different emotions. You have suffered a double bereavement, that of your partner and also of your brother. Of all the happy memories you had. You have also lost your mother and father, don't struggle alone with terrible feelings of guilt for something (many things) that are not your fault.

reelingintheyears Tue 12-Jul-11 16:59:08

Of course you are not to blame.

But i do agree with oldwomaninashoe.

mummytime Tue 12-Jul-11 17:01:30

Okay why can't you visit the Doctor? If you can't visit them then you need to get a new GP.
You need counselling. And yes I think you do need to tell your brother, maybe in a letter to let him know you didn't know and do know now.

Thingumy Tue 12-Jul-11 17:08:25

Dutch-it's very common for abuse victims to have been threatened with violence,death threats and also being told that they will revolt family members if they tell anyone about the abuse.

Op-I'm not sure what to suggest but please do seek out some counselling for yourself.

Your brother has his own journey to make and sadly he's directing all his hurt towards you,I'd back off and wait for him to come to you but make sure you'll always be there when he's ready to speak.

Thoughts to you sad

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: