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not IN love anymore.

(11 Posts)
stayforthekids1 Tue 12-Jul-11 12:31:08

I have been with my husband for 7 years. We met when I was very young and I fell pregnant within two months. I made the decision to stay with him even though it was just a 'fling' because of the baby. I know myself we never would have lasted for long if it wasnt for the pregnancy. In 7 years we have had four children. Over the last 3 years things have gradually gone down hill. We have had problems with his drinking and drug use. I have recently started back working and got a lot of my confidence and happiness back that I lost whilst being at home for so many years with small children and a husband that just wanted to drink and watch tv all night. I find myself really looking at our marriage and thinking...is this it? There is no passion between us anymore, around 3 years ago he began suffering from being...premature. I have always been understanding and never made him feel bad. Tried to encourage him to see someone but its only now he is finally agreeing and I just feel like its all too late. We fight a lot, bad fights and lots of things have been said that cant be unsaid. I love him because he is the father of my kids and is a good guy all round. But I am not IN love with him anymore. I am just not. What do you do when you realise that this is how you feel? Do i stick to the decision I made 7 years ago when I saw that blue line and could not cope with the thought of termination? Is this just the dreaded 7 year itch? What do you do when the spark has gone and despite all your attempted to reignite it, its just not happening?

garlicnutter Tue 12-Jul-11 13:55:53

Your OP makes it sound as though you never were in love with him. There's a perfectly sound argument for bumbling along in a dispassionate marriage, however yours seems to be lacking some of the necessary ingredients. Going back to work has boosted your confidence, which means your relationship doesn't do that. Looking at the avoidance behaviours (drink & drugs), dissatisfying sex and lack of connection, neither of you sounds happy.

Personally I think you should cut your losses. You both deserve a decent chance at fulfilment. The kids can still have two parents, just at different houses.

stayforthekids1 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:08:48

I think I wanted to be in love with him. If that makes sense. I wanted it to work. I do love him but in the same way I love my brother. He is not happy, has been very depressed and tearful. Become very insecure, checking my phone etc which is not like him. The problem I have is that when I try to push for separation, he breaks down and I end up feeling so terrible I dont go through with it. Then things bumble along for a bit more until we hit another bad patch and..its all a big circle. We have a 12 year age gap and it seems he is slowing down, whilst I feel as though I am just coming to life. I dont know how to fix us as he never really changes and perhaps I am wrong to ask him to because even if he was to stop drinking each night and spend time with me, I just feel as though the chance to work through things has past.

garlicnutter Tue 12-Jul-11 14:16:07

How about going to Relate together? I suspect his depression is partly to do with feeling he's failed. It's plain that you both began your marriage with the best motives, both wanting the happy family and have both done what you can to create and build that dream. It's very disappointing when it doesn't work, despite your best efforts. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault, really - just that old bugbear, incompatibility.

Counselling might help clarify where you're at, for both of you.

stayforthekids1 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:23:22

I would do, but he is very reluctant to see anyone, about anything. He likes to pretend everything is okay...which is pretty much what brought around our most recent argument where I again pushed for separation. I was trying to talk to him about our problems, but before I was through the first sentence he had slammed the stair gate so hard it broke and took himself off into the bedroom. I told him that we just could not communicate, he was only happy to listen to me if I was talking about everything positively and without communication I couldnt help our marriage. In the end he did end up talking but it always takes serious rows for him to do so that yes mostly escalate because I try to talk to him, he either ignores me or tells me he doesnt see any problems and I get frustrated. In the past I have tried to get him to see a doctor as he has an addiction problem, not just with drink and he finally did go, then missed the appointment with the CPN they assigned him. I think we are incompatible and bring out the worst in each other. But he just wont accept it.

garlicnutter Tue 12-Jul-11 14:34:42

Oh dear sad

You can go to Relate by yourself, you know. Maybe if you go ahead and make the appointment, he might realise you're serious. If you end up going on your own anyway, you'll probably find it helpful.

I don't know how bad you're feeling about things now (or yet) but it does sound like a crappy situation. It can't be very nice for the kids, either. I may well be jumping the gun here - but you'd find a divorce petition will concentrate his mind wonderfully.

Try Relate first, eh?

stayforthekids1 Tue 12-Jul-11 14:48:01

Thats just it. I dont feel bad anymore. I used to. I used to cry a lot. I came from a broken home and its the last thing I want for my babies. But now I feel resigned. That this is just the way its going to be. Sometimes I wonder if this is the way its supposed to be in marriage. Other times I wonder if I will ever feel any sort of desire, passion again. I could quite happily not have sex with him ever. I dont find him repulsive dont get me wrong. I just...have no interest but go along with it when he wants it. Think about other things. Thats just one side of it though. It isnt nice for the kids when we are fighting. We live in a small house and despite attempts to keep that side of things away from them, they must hear sometimes. I just feel like I have done a lot to make this marriage work and he hasnt. Ever since I had my last baby, I found my moods really fluctuated and I thought about suicide a lot. When I realised the effect it was having on my family I took myself straight to the doctors. Was diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder and started tablets straight away which sorted me out. He has his problems that affect me....but never tries to get help with them. I cant carry him forever. I might look into relate. It cant do any harm. Thanks.

stayforthekids1 Fri 15-Jul-11 10:19:15

A little update to this. Two nights ago, we went for a night out with some family members. Despite memaking sure he had ate before going out and that he stuck to the same drink all night, he still ended up in a state. Near the end of the night, he started to turn. We got home, went to bed and to sleep. Two hours later, I am being woken up by him pulling the duvet off me, screaming and swearing, calling me every name under the sun and chucking his wedding ring at me. I tried to ask him what was going on but he just carried on, punching the pillow around me and telling me how terrible I was. To say I was scared was an understatement. He clipped me a few times with his fists though wasnt directly trying to punch me. I ended up pulling my legs up and using them to kick him off and take myself off to the bathroom.

He doesnt remember a thing about this at all. It was definitely drink induced as it isnt the first time its happened. He says he is devastated, keeps crying and asking me not to leave. I think I need to. Its just very scary to imagine being on my own with four kids under seven.

Zanywany Fri 15-Jul-11 10:37:38

Stayfor It is hard being on your own and I only have 2 DC's but it does sound as though you aren't in love with him anymore (I was in the same situation several years ago). I would try counselling/relate as they can help and even if you do split up for me they clarified the reasons for the split both to me and my XH.

My XH was also aggressive once I mentioned seperating, it is certainly no excuse but looking back I think my XH did it out of frustration. If it isn't the first time he has done it then maybe councelling and time apart will help him to realise how his drinking is affecting your relationship.

Lizzabadger Sat 16-Jul-11 07:30:15

So he started off punching the stairgate and is now punching the pillows around your head and clipping you a bit. I think it sounds highly possible that the next step in this escalation will be hitting YOU.

I don't think Relate is advisable in these circumstances. I would get legal advice about separating as soon as you can.

Stay safe. X

stayforthekids1 Mon 18-Jul-11 10:23:37

Thanks Lizzie.

I am in so many knots just now. I cant seem to sleep anymore and have lost so much weight in the last month (nearly a stone and I was a size ten to begin with). I feel like a terrible person because he wants us to work but I just cant make myself feel anything towards him. Since the punching pillows thing, he has been contrite keeps saying he cant believe it and hasnt touched drink since. He made an effort in the bedroom and....I just didnt feel a single thing. Pretended I did.

Even if he did sort the drink issue out and the bedroom issue...I just think we are at totally different stages in our lives. He has no outside interests. He used too apparently. Surfing, drawing, golf. I have pushed and pushed for him to get involved in them again but he says he doesnt want to.

In my head, I know I should be getting him to the doctors. He needs help. I know I should be supporting him, making an effort. I know I should be being a better wife. I just feel so uncaring. Which is not like me, I am a very compassionate person.

In my head I have it all worked out. I will stay here with the kids, as its my brothers house and can be leased to me. The kids will need the security of their school and not be moved. He can stay here until he can get somewhere sorted or my brother has said he can stay with them, or with my mother. He is a fantastic father and as far as I am concerned he can see the kids as much as he wants whenever he wants. I can see it all being so amicable. But when it comes down to it, what if its not? I am going to be responsible for ripping my family apart. Thats a very big responsibility to bear.

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