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I need help being empowered and with an arse kicking please

(22 Posts)
EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 12:06:52

Help me

I have got in a mess and I feel the familiar anxiety that I used to feel when I was single. I slept with someone 2 weeks ago. I met this guy back last year when H and I were on a separation. I was drunk and he was ridiculously effusive and flattering. Said he had fancied me for ten years (gave confirmation of where I used to work etc) and was just so over the top about how amazing I was that my head got turned. So I met up with him later and did sleep with him though there was no chemistry and I started to think he was a bit weird and intense. Not normal to be so over the top about someone you don't know.

Last week I was having my first 'single night out' and my friend and I were on a mission to pull (first mistake, I know) the night wasn't turning out great when I bumped into this guy. Drunk again, no inhibitions, went back to his. Again slept with him (second mistake) and he went on about wanting to see me again. I said this counldn't happen as I have just seperated from H and he just kind of dismissed how I felt. I didn't get a good feeling. So I ran away in the small hours but I did text him because I felt like a bitch not to. He has text me yesterday (quite innocuous, how are you) and I replied this morning (fine, busy, hope you are ok etc) and he's just replied. I don't even want to open it.

Now I know I have an extreme reaction to this but I feel panicky and anxious because I don't want him to contact me. I used to get like this before I met H. I think I settled down with H because he didn't make me feel like this.

So please tell me it's ok to reject him, and also kick my arse a bit about sleeping with him and being desperate and having shit boundaries.

Here's a red flag if ever I saw one - he said he loved me angry [puke] [panic]

PersonalClown Tue 12-Jul-11 12:10:21

Just because you slept with him does NOT mean you owe him anything.

Chalk it up to a mistake and ignore him.

HairyGrotter Tue 12-Jul-11 12:14:58

Christ, I've done that HOW MANY TIMES? I will never learn, but I am getting better at just being straight and open when needed now.

It's ok to reject him! I get pissed and get up to all sorts and get myself into certain situations that I know I wouldn't even contemplate when sober, so I try not to drink much now lol.

Really, we've all been there at some point. Mistakes happen, just get on and start again

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 12:15:40

Can I delete it without reading? Doesn't that make me a callous bitch? waaah

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 12:16:34

It is ok to reject him, but you do have to stop giving him confusing signals too. Sleeping with him twice so easily has probably led him to think you fancy him, and if he is as besotted with you as he sounds, he will think you feel the same way as he does about you.

You can either ignore the texts and hope he will go away. If you bump into him again, tell him you got back with your husband or something else that will hopefully put him off pursuing you.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 12:24:17

Well I've just read the text. He said he would love to see me again and he has a feeling he has lots of making up to do. I don't even know what that means confused

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 12-Jul-11 12:26:52

So I ran away in the small hours but I did text him because I felt like a bitch not to.
Can I delete it without reading? Doesn't that make me a callous bitch?

Trust your gut. Not the conditioning that made you believe you have to put other people's needs and feelings first.

You are not a "bitch" to do so: you are setting the limits that you need. And you do need them if you feel so queasy about interactions with this man!

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 12:33:04

Ok I feel I need to reply saying I won't be seeing him again at the very least. Ugh I'm such a twat blush grin

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 12:33:44

I would say he probably feels that he let you down somehow if it made you run away in the middle of the night.

If it were reversed, and you woke up to find the bloke you had taken to bed had done a runner, you would probably feel a bit shit about yourself and wonder if you had done something wrong, or just been used.

I am not saying for a moment you should see him again, your body, your choice of course.

buzzsore Tue 12-Jul-11 12:40:45

Do not feel guilty, do not feel obliged to return his messages, you do not owe him anything. It's far too quick for him to say he loves you and being OTT like that is a red flag, you know this smile.

If you feel you must text him, say something like "Thanks for last night. Sorry I'm not interested in anything more." Don't be surprised if there's a hail of abuse or woe-is-me reaction and just ignore from there.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 12:46:17

Squeaky I left at 7am instead of 9am which is when I would have had to leave at the latest. I left because he kept hugging me and I couldn't sleep and I felt icky. He knew I had to leave in the morning, he was half asleep when I left and didn't know what time it was.

Ok I'm going to text him a kind message saying I can't see him again. Or don't want to.

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 12:57:38

Ah ok.. you did say "the small hours" so I took that to mean 3am ish...

He does sound very clingy and a bit stalkerish tbh... not an attractive quality in a bloke.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 13:07:28

'I don't think you do! Seriously, I'm not going to date anyone so I think it's best if we don't see each other again. I don't want to give the wrong impression (though I probably already have) and I wish you all the best! x'

Too breezy? Not breezy enough?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 12-Jul-11 14:52:42

Too much apologising for yourself!
And your first line is off: who are you to judge what he wants?

How about something like: "Thanks for the offer, and thanks for last night, but I prefer not to meet up again. All the best, ENMoP"

spookshowangel Tue 12-Jul-11 14:55:49

is this the night with a certain belgium belly dancer?? please tell me this isnt the guy that remembered you from madasions. i would say that you really dont need to panic. what do you have to panic over. he doesnt know were you live, work, who your friends are, does he even know your last name? you dont owe him shit. he has obviously built this massive thing in his head because he is a bit well crazy. i think you text is too nice and should be more blunt. he didnt harass you last time did he? it was just a shag no harm in that per se, but love you can do better xxxxxxx. just say sorry you are not interested thaks for a fun time but you dont think its a good idea to see each other again end of. he sounds super creepy hun.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 14:56:11

I meant I don't think he has anything to make up for. Ok I'll rethink smile

spookshowangel Tue 12-Jul-11 14:59:36

he doesnt but it doesnt really matter if he thinks he does, he is putting it on you and trying to what guilt you in to seeing him again... very odd.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 12-Jul-11 15:34:35

Oh ok sorry I assumed the "I don't think you do!" referred to him stating he wanted to see you, not his wondering if he had something to make up for.

Good luck! No harm in being direct, and don't beat yourself up over it.

Malificence Tue 12-Jul-11 16:00:17

If you can't trust yourself not to do stupid things when drunk, I think that not getting drunk might be a good start?

I feel a bit sorry for the bloke in question, why would you sleep with him if you don't like him? You need to work on your self esteem and not act lke a 16 year old.

spookshowangel Tue 12-Jul-11 16:15:57

mal i would say the same to you in regards to answering posts, if you cant trust yourself not to say stupid things could you please refrain from saying anything at all, might be a good start there is a dear.

most human people are allowed to behave a bit out of character when coming out of a painful break up and sometimes do stupid things. i know sleeping with a 22 year old virgin on my friends floor was not my finest hour but hey we live we learn and we dont do it again.

obviously mal you have never done any thing a bit silly when pissed good for you then you cant empathise so no need to get involved, feel sorry for the bloke?? how can you feel sorry for a bloke who after meeting some one twice in about 6 months says he loves them...that makes me shudder.
your mo mal is to make people feel bad i know this but can you not do it here please.

HairyGrotter Tue 12-Jul-11 16:24:23

I like acting like a 16 year old grin

We all make mistakes, all acted out of character when a bit lashed up, fun times, bad times, all stuff to learn from.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 12-Jul-11 16:37:16

I'm quite happy to act like a 16 year old but I don't want to hurt anyone along the way. Mal is quite right that I shouldn't drink so much if I can't stop myself from doing stupid men things. I suspect there may be a tendency in my post break up mindset to do just that, so I have to be on guard against that.

However, I slept with him because I was flattered, drunk, had my guard down and thought it might be fun. He turned out to be a bit pushy and clingy and weird, lying next to me saying 'I love you I love you' is absolutely not normal behaviour, hence why I left! I'm not a raging monogamist but I'm also not a heartless person and I don't want to hurt anyone. The thing that has thrown me is how excessive his feelings seem to be, but then I remember that it's all fake and whatever he thinks he feels about me, he doesn't actually know me at all. I can't be responsible for his feelings, if he hasn't developed some emotional armour by the age of 41 that's really not my problem.

Thanks everybody! Message sent smile

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