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In thinking my dh orally raped me?

(302 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

MsZ Tue 12-Jul-11 09:52:45

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down sad

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

Geordieminx Tue 12-Jul-11 09:54:44

So sorry. His behavior is inexcusable, but I really think that you should report your post and ask MNHQ to move it somewhere more suitable... Relationship?

Jemma1111 Tue 12-Jul-11 09:55:22

You should have bit him as hard as you could!, then he would have got the message

BuckBuckMcFate Tue 12-Jul-11 09:56:16


Don't know what to say

So sorry this has happened sad

Bast Tue 12-Jul-11 09:56:25

I'd have bitten the bastards dick off, personally.

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 09:56:31

I would say if you have been together ten years, this is the first time he has done it, and he is very sorry (which he does appear to be), then he just got carried away and will be cautious never to do it again.

It sounds horrible, and I dont blame you at all for being furious with him, but I would say a one off incident that he genuinely regrets is not worth breaking your marriage up over.

MoonGirl1981 Tue 12-Jul-11 09:57:22

Well, he's learnt his lesson.

If he's usually a lovely guy then I guess you can assume that he just got carried away in the moment. It does sound like he's sorry.

However, you don't need to be in a rush to forgive him. Let yourself get over it and ask him to leave you alone for a while. You probably need time to get over it.


lubeybooby Tue 12-Jul-11 09:58:07

what squeakytoy said definitely. Horrible but a one off it seems.

OracleInaCoracle Tue 12-Jul-11 09:58:22

I agree with geordiegirl. Im sorry.

SpringchickenGoldBrass Tue 12-Jul-11 09:58:38

Oh you poor thing. Throwing up on him was a good call, though. Is he offering any kind of explanation as to why he behaved like that? If he has been otherwise wonderful for 10 years there must be some reason for such a horrible act.

Bast Tue 12-Jul-11 09:59:19

Sorry, Mz. Not helpful to imply that you should have done something. He was absolutely wrong, no doubt about it. He abused you, no question. This was not your fault.

As to why, maybe porn?

pjmama Tue 12-Jul-11 09:59:41

That's shocking. I don't really know what to say...
I guess you need to take some time to process what happened and how you feel about it, before you can decide what to do next. Totally unacceptable behaviour, but only you can put it in any kind of context - is it something totally out of character and therefore something you might be able to work past eventually, or is this the final straw in an already troubled relationship? Would counselling help, either for you alone to process what happened or for both of you?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. sad

rainbowtoenails Tue 12-Jul-11 09:59:43

What a horrible thing to happen to you. Please dont blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. Has he given any kind of explanation? Not that anything would excuse his actions. Has he ever been abusive or control/ing before? It must be shocking for this to happen so far into a relationship.

EveryonesJealousOfWeasleys Tue 12-Jul-11 10:00:01

"a one off incident that he genuinely regrets is not worth breaking your marriage up over" - seriously? He raped her. They are always sorry, aren't they? Surely this is a classic 'first offence'? OP I am so sorry this has happened to you (but glad you threw up on him, that was extremely apt) - you will get lots of support here to work out what you're going to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 12-Jul-11 10:01:41

Agree with squeaky. I think I'd probably steer clear of BJs for a while and insist on a 'no hands' policy from then on. He does sound sorry, I can see how it happened, throws of passion and all that... very unfortunate.

It's easy to band around words like 'violated' but if you do feel that way then you really don't have many places to go with your relationship. How could you carry on with someone who 'violated' you? You'd debase yourself.

Sorry this has happened, OP.

Bast Tue 12-Jul-11 10:01:43

Doubt it was accidental on his part, personally. A BJ like that is the basis for many vile porn scenes. The women are meant to throw up.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jul-11 10:01:47

You didn't "let him do it to you"

He forced you, physically

I presume he is much stronger than you ?

Do you mean you will be "letting him" get away with it ?

Well, you don't have to let him get away with it. How far you want to make him feel the consequences of these horrible actions is entirely up to you.

GreenTeapot Tue 12-Jul-11 10:02:13

I don't think anyone can tell you whether this is a dealbreaker or not. Only you know whether this is truly isolated or whether there's relevant background, or things you'd previously dismissed which you now need to reconsider.

Take your time to sort your head out and perhaps he needs to be having a good long think himself.

Imnotaslimjim Tue 12-Jul-11 10:03:58

sorry Weasleys but I think you're wrong. I agree with the posters that say he sounds like he got caught in the momentand was worried that she didn't want to finish it. Yes, its horrible and shoudn't have happened, but end a 10 year marriage because of it? I think talking to him would be a better start to sorting it out

LRDTheFeministNutcase Tue 12-Jul-11 10:04:38

Sorry, I can't believe squeaky is saying this - rubbish!

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. It is not normal for a man to force you to keep your head on him. I can imagine how physically intimidating that must have been and you are right it is rape.

Does he realize what he has done?

For me, I'm afraid, this would be a deal breaker. What possible excuse could he have?

TartyMcFarty Tue 12-Jul-11 10:05:45

I'm sorry this happened. Just wondering, as he has been texting and emailing through the night, did he leave the house afterwards? I think an interesting point has been made about porn. FB you check his internet history?

Bast Tue 12-Jul-11 10:05:57

As for him relentlessly texting and emailing you, tell him to fuck off!

He isn't apologising, he's demanding that you alleviate his guilt.

Leave him to deal with that himself, while you recover, then decide what you want to do.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Tue 12-Jul-11 10:06:36

'he sounds like he got caught in the moment and was worried that she didn't want to finish it.'

How can you say this? If he was 'worried', he should have stopped and talked to her. No-one gets so 'caught in the moment' they force someone to have sex - no-one except a rapist.

TheRhubarb Tue 12-Jul-11 10:07:43

Agree with others here. Only you know your dh and after 10 years you probably know if he's ever done anything remotely like this before or not.

If he has done similar things to disrespect you then I would suggest that you insist you both to go marriage counselling to discuss the lack of respect in the relationship because you can't have a healthy relationship imo, without respect and trust from both sides.

But if he's never done anything like this before then you need to sit him down and make it very clear that if he ever does anything like that again, you will bite his dick very very hard and kick him out of the house.

squeakytoy Tue 12-Jul-11 10:08:19

It is quite normal for a bloke to gently push on your head... and I do emphasise the word gently too. I am not saying for a moment that he was right, he wasnt, and from what the OP says, he realises that too and is genuinely full of remorse.

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